My Heroes Have Always Been Mother's,

I have quite a few heroes, there are the ones' I was blessed by being born into their lives, some I have met along my journey, and some were the blessings I gave birth to. I will focus on the ones who are Mother's, since this is the energy that ultimately made me the woman I am today. I would not possess the strength to overcome the things I have gone through if it weren't for every one of these women. I am grateful to each for each and every one of them.

It all started early in life, My Mother, Cindy Lu Wood, and her Mother, Patsy June Wood, (my Mawmaw) would be the first ones with the task of shaping me. I can promise you, it was no "walk in the park". I was a spirited child, strong willed, stubborn, intelligent, creative, jealous, basically an all-around pain in the rear. They loved me though, even when I vomited on the two of them at the age of 3, because I thought Scotch tasted good enough for me to take a sip every time, they turned their heads, and even when I got into my Mawmaw's expensive make-up, and got it all over her brand-new white carpet. OOOOOweeee, she was pretty upset about the make-up and the carpet, I had to go fetch her a switch for that one. A quick fun fact, selecting a small thin switch is not a good idea, it is painful, choose a bigger one, you will thank yourself.

Throughout life I would make many more mistakes. I changed as I grew and our relationships changed from time to time, but the one thing that never changed was the love they showed me. My Mother and I did not always see eye to eye, at times she was too busy to give me a "pat on the back" or tell me I was doing well. She made time for scolding me when I messed up though. For a long time, I had pent up resentment, thinking I was a disappointment to my mom. All I ever heard was what I did wrong. Looking back now from a different, more evolved perception, I understand now that the reason she consistently stayed on my case for making mistakes was because, she did notice how much potential I had, she knew I was destined for greatness. She didn't want me to become an adult repeating her mistakes, and living the kind of life she had to live. She wanted better for me, and expected better from me. She already knew the strength I had within, and she knew or sensed that I was special. She felt she had to teach me at an early age valuable lessons, that would instill the high values, and moral standards I would need in order to be successful in life.

Integrity, something she was very big on, she hated being lied to. She taught me to never lie, she said if I was always making sure I wasn't doing anything I needed to hide, I wouldn't have to lie. She also told me that it was better for me to be honest when I did do something. She said it demonstrates strong character, a person will trust an honest person who makes mistakes. A coward who lies will never be respected, and will not get very far. You word is what you have, always make you have strong integrity.

At fourteen years old, I was able to have my first job. I worked for my mom at a Subway she managed. This is where she went to work on molding my work ethic. She never let me call in to work, she forced me to cover shifts when someone else called in, and she was far harder on me than she was on any other employee. I was more than half the age of her youngest employee, and even younger than the other crew members, but I was expected to be a more efficient employee than all of them. I used to think that was so screwed up, in most cases when a child works for a parent you hear of nepotism, the child gets away with kicking back, shoot, not in my Moms house! Her child was expected to lead by example, I was required to set the bar, because I was her daughter, so I should know better. My Mother had a very strong work ethic, she was a dedicated employee, no matter where she worked, or who she worked for. It didn't matter what the work was, My Mother took pride in everything she did. She took pride in keeping a clean house, she took pride in cleaning freaking toilets in a truck stop, why, because, that was one of the things required for her job as a truck stop cashier. My Mother never called in sick, even if she was sick, she was never late, and she was always the one the boss could call in to work last minute, if someone else failed to report to work. All her hard work and dedication is what earned her the offer of managing a Subway that would be inside the truck stop she had been working at. I was so proud of my Mom. She never was able to go to college, my grandmother refused to pay for her to go to school, saying to my mom, “Women don't need to have an education, men don't care about how smart you are.”

My grandmother was very old fashioned, born in 1934, she was from the generation where women were to be seen, not heard. They made kids, kept the house clean, and their husband's well fed. They never spoke to anyone about their problems, “You do not hang your dirty laundry out to dry!” She had many mantras that she drilled into my mind. Some more were things like, “There is no such thing as a perfect man, you just have to decide what imperfections you can tolerate and which ones are unacceptable, a man who does not provide for his family is unacceptable!”, “A woman’s reputation is all she has”, she always taught me to “know my place” in a man’s world, she would tell me to never butt into a conversation between men, never undermine or disrespect your husband in front of others. She told me that an intelligent lady can run the house hold and be in full control of everything, the trick was knowing how to talk to your husband and coax him to the outcome you desire. She said men don’t do what a woman tells them to do, their male superiority won’t allow it, but if you know what you’re doing you know how to put an idea into their mind, they will do the rest, because it was their idea. I smile when I think of some of the crazy things that woman seen as important enough to drill it in my mind. Other things are kind of shallow, like taking care of my appearance, and teaching me to care about what others thought, and how I looked. She took a lot of pride in her looks, My Mawmaw was beautiful, people would say she looked just like Elizabeth Taylor. My grandparents were pretty well off and at the top of the social class due to my grandfather being the superintendent of Brown & Root. Where I grew up 75% of the men worked in nuclear power plants, therefore everyone who was anyone knew RG and Pat Wood.

My grandmother was always concerned with images, never wanting to be the subject of small-town gossip, but as shallow as she could be, she had more heart than most who are shallow. One of the things she taught me that I love the most, was never to place importance on having money, never to be greedy. She said money is for bills, it is to sustain life, having money does not make you any better than anyone else, and not having money doesn’t make you inferior to anyone either. She told me that many people blamed money for people being snobby, greedy or ugly, but it was not true she said, money does not change your heart, or your soul. If you were a kind and generous person when you were poor, you will remain humble, kind and generous when you have money. Money doesn’t turn a good person into a bad person, money just gives the bad person freedom to show their true colors. She said that if I had only 5 dollars in my bank, all my bills were paid, and someone needed that money that I should give it to them, not lend it, give it. She said you don’t need to hang on to money, if you turn the corner and die, you can’t take it with you, so you might as well share your wealth, with someone who has nothing. She said being greedy and ugly doesn’t get you anywhere, she also taught me to kill everyone with kindness, no matter how mean they were to me. She said people can look so attractive, and have all kinds of money and live a privileged life, but if they are mean and nasty towards other people, they’re nothing more than just ugly. She said you are either beautiful or ugly, you can’t be both. I never understood that until I was much older, when I got it, it made a lot of sense, and she was right, absolutely right.

My Mother was just as wise as her mother, if not more. My Mother never ceased to amaze me; she has been such an inspiration to me. I never knew that my mother had a low self-esteem, I never knew she didn’t know her worth, maybe because I was a child and didn’t comprehend those things, yet, or maybe it was her strength that kept her inner pain hidden from mine and my brother’s eyes. I was too young to understand a lot of things, and to be completely honest, I had my own demons to fight within myself from a very early age. I guess I didn’t realize that was the reason she put up with my A-Hole stepdad for way too long. He hardly ever held a job, he was rude, disrespectful, he would put my mom down all the time in front of me, he would talk bad about a lot of people, he was so negative. No one in town liked that man, and no one understood what my mother was doing with him. My grandparents threatened to write her out of their will if she didn't leave him, but my mother was loyal, she loved him, I guess, or maybe she was just determined to prove everyone wrong and make her marriage last just to be defiant. Could the truth have been that she was just afraid of being alone, and didn’t see herself as worthy of having better. Perhaps she believed he was the only man that would want her. I never knew any of that, I know it now. know she tolerated being treated poorly, because from a young age she was made to feel insecure about her looks, and made to feel she wasn’t good enough. I am not sure my Mom ever felt loved or valued.

My Mawmaw wasn’t the best mother to my mom, my Pawpaw was good enough that my Mom never doubted his love for her. Being a superintendent meant he worked a lot, and wasn’t around to counter the toxic ideas my Mawmaw instilled in my mother. Like men don’t like fat women. No parent should ever body shame their child, you will send your child out dressed up like a sheep into a world of wolves if you do that. Despite the reality of how broken my mom truly was all of my life, I never knew how much it affected her, because all I ever saw from my mother was courage, strength, perseverance, integrity, kindness, leadership, humbleness, and a fire that never quit, no matter how hard things got. She never gave up, she never accepted defeat, she did what she had to do to provide for her family. She never cried about it, never complained, she just got after it. She may have cried when she was alone, or maybe she never let herself cry, maybe she thought if she let one tear drop, she wouldn’t be able to stop. Now that I realize all the pain my mother carried throughout my whole life, I am even more inspired by her strong will. I know without a doubt the courageous strength I possess, and my ability to get myself up after every nose dive, comes from her. It is in my blood, it is in my heart, it was passed through DNA, and it was instilled through watching the example she set.

My mother made a lot of mistakes, she caused me pain, and I am sure I caused her heartache. I wish I had known the reality of all my mother had fought through her whole life. Had I understood things more clearly, instead of being a little selfish brat, victim feeling sorry for myself, allowing it to affect the way I see myself; I could have had a very different outlook on life, and my own self-worth. I guess that is what they mean when they say to look at the bigger picture. I spent a lot of years feeling unworthy, having a low self-esteem myself, and blaming her for it. It caused a lot of issues in all aspects of my life; it even caused me to push my mom to do things and treat me in ways she probably never thought she would treat me. I can honestly say that my mother and I have been more than mother and daughter; she’s been my teacher, my therapist, my best friend, and sadly she’s even been my enemy. Now, she is my best friend, my sister, my mother, and my hero.

My Mother has been the most influential person in my life, I am independent because she taught me at a very early age never to depend on an income that I don’t work for. She showed me unconditional love, she taught me the meaning behind unconditional love, she taught me how to see the good in people, never to judge someone by their past, or their mistakes. I learned how to believe in people that no one notices or takes the time to see potential in, and to inspire them to see the potential within themselves. She made such a huge impact not so much because she drilled these things in my head, because actually she rarely repeated herself. Her influence was strong because I watched her live by the lessons, she instilled in me. My Mother was the person who taught me what a real leader does, they lead by example. I have nothing but respect, and adoration for my mother now that I have understood the big picture. One thing I can’t comprehend is why my Mother still lacks confidence, I don’t understand how she can inspire so many people throughout her life to believe in themselves but fail to see the value in herself. Her belief in me is unfailing, and inspires me to see in myself what she sees in me. She has always been my number one fan, in all that I try to do, from singing karaoke to my elementary level art work that I have recently began exploring. She encourages me, her faith in me drives me to keep going when I face obstacles.

I am often told that I am a very strong person. I know without a doubt my strength comes from two places, my mothers’ example and DNA, and the love I have in my heart. Love can truly move mountains, it gives you courage to face your fears, if refuels you when you are running on fumes, and it forces you to never accept defeat, no matter how much you hurt or how hopeless things may appear.

My other hero came along in seventh grade, her name was Tiki Venglar, she was my theatre arts teacher. She would be my teacher just about every year that followed, whether it was for Speech, Theatre Arts, English, or Yearbook class. More importantly she was the woman who taught me how to stand up for myself, and inspired me to have the confidence to explore my creative abilities more. She seen the potential I had within and pushed me to bring it forth. She was also one of the few teachers who cared enough about her students to take the time to look past the behavioral issues, and see the potential where other teachers saw a “lost cause”. For that I am forever grateful. This woman is truly remarkable, and if I ever publish a book, you can bet her name will be in the Dedication, along with the other important people in my life. She deserves the credit, because had it not been for her, I don’t think I ever would’ve realized how talented I truly was. She also set the example to never be afraid to walk away from something you no longer believe in, or no longer feel you are making the impact you once made, and to just start all over. This woman, after teaching for centuries, walked away from being a teacher because she felt she was no longer making a difference, and decided to go back to college to get a degree in nursing. Her happiness came from knowing she made a difference, and she was not afraid to walk away and search for a different way to make a difference in peoples lives. This is why she is my hero.

Last but certainly not least, my middle child, and oldest daughter Priscilla Ann Pena, is one of my heroes. Her strength and courage have always amazed me. She has been through some very traumatic experiences, and her father didn’t always show her the love she deserved and needed. She has been through some pretty rough times with me as well, but she has still managed to be one of the kindest, most generous people I have ever known, and she is ten times the mother I was to her son, my grandson. She really sets the bar high for mother’s, my eyes fill up with tears and my heart overflows with love and admiration when I see the beautiful woman she has grown to become. She has given my strength when I was weak and has been a constant reminder that despite the many wrong things I have done, there are important things that I have done right. All three of my children are my heroes, but this particular piece was specific to mothers, and at this time she is the only one of my children who is a mother.

I have gone through some pretty traumatizing experiences all of my life, the most recent being the worst, that was my marriage to an abusive narcissistic jerk. I can honestly say what I went through with him nearly broke me, had it not been for the influence of all four of these women, I don’t think I would’ve had what it took to recover and start my life over from scratch. I am most definitely not 100% through the aftermath, but I have come a long, long way, and because of these women, I know without a doubt, I will continue to grow, learn, and fight, until I have surpassed my full potential.