My Guardian Angel

The worst thing for many young adults is seeing those close to their heart age. Realizing that they may no longer be in your life as you grow up is something that is unbelievably hard to come to terms with. When you think of life without them, it makes you think about things like how they'll never see you graduate, come to your wedding, attend your first football game of the season, etc. Whatever it may be, losing someone who is everything you need in life to feel wholesome, is something that will never get easy...especially knowing that you have your whole life ahead of you and they can't be a part of it anymore. For me, it feels as if I am a puzzle, only that there are pieces missing to complete me. Here and there you'll feel the missing piece, and wish you could have the puzzle completed just once more.

On February 27, 2010 I lost my great grandmother, a woman that I absolutely adored and aspired to be. She was beautiful, insightful, physically strong (surprisingly), and most importantly, one of the kindest human beings I had come to know in my lifetime. I vividly remember my mom calling me and my siblings into her bedroom to break the news. I couldn't convince myself that her death was real, and I had even hoped that my mom was playing a sick joke on us all. Although it was unrealistic, I prayed that it wasn't. I was ten years old, and although I could understand that she lived to the age of 89, I couldn't grasp the concept of her no longer being around. I couldn't bear to be in the room any longer, so I left, only to have old memories of her return.

It is true when they say that we as humans ignore the little things, and the little moments in life. We take advantage of our time spent with those who are worth our time, and ignore the little things that make up the most meaningful memories. Eventually I realized after her passing that it really was the small moments that I held dearest to my heart. It was witnessing the excitement on my grandma's face as I walked through her door; that gave me pure joy. Watching her put strawberry jam on her saltine crackers at one in the morning; that made me want to do the same, which left me to mimic similar things that she did. Staying up with her all night only to sit and watch muted infomercials; that made me value the concept of simplicity. Smiling at each other across the room in nothing but pure silence, leaving just the television in the midst of the dark to illuminate our faces, which made me understand what it was like to truly feel safe.

Those little moments with her were the little things that I had thought about for months on end, just to attempt to bring the feelings that they once gave into the present. To say that I missed her was a complete understatement; I longed to have just one more “little” moment with her.

When you lose someone you love, you’re prone to let the pain and sadness take hold of you. Time is truly the only thing that can mend your brutally aching heart. You have no choice but to completely reinvent yourself around all of the heartache, because you know you're not the same person that you once were. That, and it would also hurt immensely to pretend to be. But what many fail to recognize is that this reinvention is actually giving you the chance to experience beauty in a new and an unseen way. Death is not only your opportunity to celebrate an important person’s life, but also an opportunity to celebrate your own, to look around and appreciate the little things and little moments in life. In the end, those really are the big things, and that's the one thing that we as humans fail to understand.