My brother, he was my friend, my protector, father figure. When I lost him it felt like I lost everything, he passed away in September 2017. That day was the worst time of my life, it’s like I felt it. I felt it was coming, something inside me kept saying his name as I sat at my desk. I looked at his picture and just smiled. My mom called in the frantic, most hysterical mood that I have ever heard. All I remember are the words, “Marvin, your brother, my baby... gone."
Life has a funny way of showing you things before they happen, preparing you in a sense before it happens. My brother and I were so close, like two peas in a pod. My singing co star, my laughing partner, my friend. Our relationship over the years did start to change—he became more wrapped up in his relationships and me in my marriage. But the bond could never be broken. I say life prepares us because of that separation we started to have... it wasn’t like us at all. But it was the new normal. His girlfriend said she found him in the car, slumped over. She called 911 and they instructed her to not perform CPR, that is a little alarming due to they don’t advise that. At the hospital, the doctor stated my brother's heart was down too long and there was nothing he could do. It’s still considered undetermined.
A New Day
When my brother passed, I became a different person. I was lost, broken, sad... I went through a whole different collection of emotions. Mostly, the reason for that was because I didn’t know who I was without him. As I stated he was everything to me. If I got into a jam, I looked to him to help me out of it. If I was confused about something or not confident, I looked to him to bring me out. Now, I was forced to put on my big girl pants and become the new me. The more in control me, better me, grown me.
On My Own
I have never been on my own. Ever since I was a little girl, I remember my brother always being there. Me in his shadow, right behind him, two peas in a pod is what they called us. It just feels so empty that he’s gone I’m still waiting for that text or funny message on FB. People tell me, he’s still there... focus enough on the memories or his cologne and you will smell him or see him. I probably have felt him and just didn’t know it. Maybe at the time I was crying or excited about something. I just need that reassurance that everything will be okay.
The family has divided at this point. We have lost so many people. My brother was the last one, and he was the last glue keeping us together. It’s sad how many family gatherings people have when there is a death and not a celebration. Marvin, I love you. You will forever be missed. There is not a day, moment, or minute that I don’t think of you. Someone told me, “Talk to him, he can hear you.” I really pray you can, because I need you. I’m not a selfish person. I just miss your love and acceptance of me. There is so much to tell you. I pray that you finally found the peace you needed and don’t worry anymore.