My first childbirth was scary

I have seen a lot of films where the women give birth, and show emotional bonding with their baby. And the audiences see time fast forward of the baby growing up…and blah blah blah. Well, I just had my first baby but it wasn’t like the movies in fact it felt like I was traumatized, I didn’t have a normal birthing process, this was due to me being 40 years old, and developing Pre-eclampsia. In case you didn’t what it is, “Pre-eclampsia is a complication of pregnancy. With preeclampsia, you might have high blood pressure, high levels of protein in urine that indicate kidney damage (proteinuria), or other signs of organ damage. Preeclampsia usually begins after 20 weeks of pregnancy in women whose blood pressure had previously been in the standard range.” I got this information from https://www.mayoclinic.org/ click the link below to read more about it.

My baby is a girl but born pre-mature about seven and a half months, and I had to do an emergency C-section, to save her life. I have never had surgery, so I was scared. She is healthy and strong, thank the Lord. She was screaming which is a good sign. But I couldn’t hold her because she had to go to the N.I.C.U. (a hospital ward or department equipped and staffed to provide intensive care to dangerously ill or premature newborn babies) The nurse showed me, my baby, for a few seconds I kissed her then they took her. I felt like I did something wrong I wanted to hold my baby when I went back to the room I started to feel like I wasn’t worthy to be in the presence of my daughter. I felt broken. I was so scared to go visit her in the N.I.C.U., it was so bad I couldn’t produce breast milk, and I have to do it every three hours. I felt like a failure. That was until I was explained I was suffering from Postpartum Depression.

At age 7 I suffered from depression, I had years to master it and keep it under control. But Postpartum Depression is a whole other demon. It is the worst, because it is making me feel like I should give up my daughter, that I will fail, and other horrible things. I feel disgusted. Because my daughter is my little angel, I want her in my life because she is a miracle, I prayed for a baby and I got one. I want this Postpartum Depression to leave, I hate getting these thoughts of not wanting my baby. I feel like I am on a battlefield and I am fighting an enemy that has no form.

I did gather the strength and courage to see my baby, and when I saw her I broke down and cried because I saw my daughter in an incubator, and a feeding tube, because she doesn’t know how to eat yet. Things got much worst when I left the hospital and my baby had to stay behind at the N.I.C.U because she had a lot of growing to do, and it wasn’t safe for her to leave. I cried for two days because I missed my baby and I was hit with a panic attack, my mom comfort me, as well as my husband. I would say my dad comfort me but he passed away in 2017, and I know his spirit is with me and my daughter.

Thankfully I am not alone in facing my fears and raising my beautiful baby girl, I have an amazing support group. My mom, my husband, my cousins, and my mother-in-law. My cousins call or text me to see if I am ok, or if I have any questions because they are experienced in raising kids. Because now all their kids are getting ready for college. My husband is my backbone and tells me every day how much he loves me and our daughter. My mom is my best friend and told me she will guild me in raising her granddaughter. My daughter will come home soon, and I am happy to say I am calming down and my Postpartum Depression is fading away, the same with Preeclampsia.