My Father Hated Me
You Must Be Unlovable If Your Own Parent Hates You!
I’ve titled this article “My Father Hated Me” but in fact it was a lot worse than that: the truth is my father despised me and everything about me. As I write this I hope I’m not sounding too much like a victim, and to this day I still wonder if a lot of this is in my head, but then I remember: I know the truth, because this has been my life ever since I was a little girl. For reasons unknown to me, my father has always had an intense dislike of me, and that includes just the sight of me. I often wonder: What do I remind you of; or what was going on when I was a baby that turned you so against me? But, I don’t know the answer.
It's Difficult, if Not Impossible, to Accept Love from Others
The reason I’m writing my story is because I know I’m not alone in having a parent who doesn’t love you. This is not a sob-story; it’s the reality for many people out there who, as life progresses, will struggle to find their identity, always wondering what was so wrong with them that their own parent hated them.
When we become adults, people like me will push others away who are trying so hard to love them. Why? Because we know we’re unlovable! If your parent couldn’t love you, how on earth could anyone else? And, that’s the damage. I strongly urge anyone like me to please seek help immediately. The right therapist can help you understand that it was never about you – it’s about your abuser!
Get Help and Learn to Accept Love
Believe me, it’s a depressing and sad life always feeling alone and wondering what it was about you that was so terrible that your own parent didn’t love you. Logically you know that it couldn’t have been something you did or said because you were just a child, but the doubt never leaves you. The sooner you ask for help, the sooner you can move on and start enjoying fulfilling, loving relationships.
My Story
I was born just after WW2 when my parents were dirt-poor, and I know their marriage was a pretty rocky affair. Their early years were spent in poverty, and their marriage suffered because Dad’s family were totally against him having married a ‘foreign’ woman during the war. My eldest sibling was born while Dad was still away, so I was the first child born while they were together after the war.
Years later my younger sister was born, and she was a delight to the whole family. We all adored her, and my father was very sweet and playful with her. I used to watch him interacting with her and wonder what it would be like to sit on his lap, or have him play with me but, in my memory, that never happened.
Things Just Went from Bad to Worse
As I grew older, his dislike of me only intensified. He openly blamed me for things that were way beyond my control and humiliated me at every opportunity. Once I left home, things became even harder for me because he made it very difficult for me to visit. If I called on the phone he was openly rude to me; and when I did visit, again he was openly hostile to me. He ridiculed me in front of my children so many times that I said I’d never visit again, but I wanted to see my mother, so I always went back for more.
Today He’s a Changed Man
Now that my Mum has gone, things have changed. My father is a very old man now and when I call him he’s so happy to hear from me. He even says he loves me! Visiting is still difficult because I’m not comfortable being around him, but I do think that I’m the one creating the awkwardness between us. When he says nice things to me I wish with all my heart that I could have heard those words from him when I was younger, because the truth is that his kind words mean nothing to me now. I would never desert him because he’s an old man, but I wonder what he’s thinking when we speak on the phone and he says I’m such a “wonderful daughter”.
When I see him in person I sense that he’s trying harder with me, but it’s all way too late. In the past I would have done anything for just a kind word, a compliment, even a hug, but today I just don’t trust him. I’ll still be there for him, but my caring doesn’t come from love, it comes from not wanting anyone else to suffer the way I have. For some reason, I look at this sad old man and I don’t want him to feel the same pain and rejection I did.
Your Life Can Change if You Ask for Help!
Please, if this is your story too, don’t put it off any longer – make an appointment to see a therapist today and work through all your confused feelings. Believe me, your life will change completely when you understand that this was never about you!
About the Creator
Mari-Louise Speirs
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