My Explanation of the"Gentle Parenting" Method

There is a lot of buzz right now about a parenting method that has been around for decades(maybe even since the very first parents- who knows?) but is gaining a lot of traction and attention because of social media. It's called gentle parenting but it has a few other names it can be associated with- Conscious parenting, respectful parenting, and authoritative parenting. The basic philosophy of gentle parenting is fostering a parent - child relationship that is rooted in cooperation and proactive communication rather than making demands and rules.

The gentle parenting mindset can be described with words likes, empathetic, peaceful, understanding, and positive. It's founded on an ideal wherein the parent models patience and acceptance of feelings and reactions and removing the child's fear of punishment to gain compliance.

To summarize, it's about the adult treating the child like a person. As a practicing gentle parent myself, it all boils down to care vs. control. This is a questions I ask myself everyday: "Am I trying to control them?" "Do I feel the need to control this situation?" "Why do I feel a need to control their attitude, behavior, reaction, etc?" Or "Is this safe for them?" "How can I encourage cooperation?" "What are they trying to communicate through their behavior, reaction, attitude?" "Are there skills I can teach to problem solve this particular situation and impart some understanding?"

The thought process involved in this kind of parenting is very methodical and practiced. It is not at all permissive which is a common misconception out there. That all gentle parents are tree hugging hippies(no offense to the tree hugging hippies) that just let their kids do whatever they want whenever they want however they want. I suppose a part of that is true. Stay with me while I break this down: The parent does allow the child the autonomy that their existence validates. The parent does allow the tantrum in the grocery store. The parent does allow the use of expression of emotions. The parent does allow the child to make choices. The gentle parent realizes that these are all control issues and knows it isn't their place to dictate those things. On the flip side, the parent does not allow the child to hurt anyone. The parent does not allow the child to not perform basic care tasks. The parent does not allow the child to be reckless and endanger themselves or someone else. This is a matter of care. The gentle parent knows it is their job to keep the child safe and teach the child skills for life.

There is this beautiful harmony between strong, healthy boundaries, and empowered, free, choices.

I'd like to provide an example of an interaction in my home that I have had to figure out how to handle with these ideals in mind. My three year old, ADHD, son gets very physically aggressive toward his five year old sister. He will scratch her face and pull her hair. Now, my non gentle parented self wants to react to his behavior with an intense anger. The default in me quickly goes to- he needs to be punished for this behavior. And my mind goes through the various punishments that, when I was a child worked on me- spankings, groundings, isolation. But then I take a breath and remember that those punishments didn't actually work for me. They were fear based punishments that taught me to toe the line or expect the worst. It didn't actually instill in me some value or teach me a skill to better prepare myself for the future. So how do I handle this situation in a way that aligns with my values? Well, first I stop the unsafe actions by separating my kiddos. Usually, I grab up my daughter and sit down to comfort her. While I do that I say to her, "I'm sorry your brother did that to you. It's not ok that he hurt you." Then I turn my attention to my son and say, "It's ok to be angry but it's not ok to hurt." And then I sing a song about having nice hands. I remind him, "If you can't be safe. Your sister and I will have to leave the room and go somewhere safe." Depending on the moment, I can leave the area and let them coexist again. However, if this is the repeat offense, I instead say, "Sissy and I will be in my room where it is safe. When you're ready to be safe around us, you can join us."And my daughter and I will go into the room. Usually my son will take a minute and then come find us and say, "I'm ready to be safe now." Then I find that he and I can talk about his feelings and what he was trying to communicate with his behavior.

This method of parenting is hard and it takes a lot from the parent. It's anything but permissive.

The other thing I hear a lot about gentle parenting is that is provides kids with too many options. To that I say, don't you, as an adult like to have options? Do you want to be told what to wear everyday? Do you want someone else to plan your whole day? Don't you have a favorite coffee mug you want access to? Come on, having choices is what is to be human. Your need to limit choices for you child is a control issue and that can be let go.

Basically, what it comes down to is this: gentle parenting is a foundation for how your child will interact with the world and themselves when they're no longer in your care... or under your control.

And you get to decide every day which one that will be.