My cancer journey

Cancer itself is unspeakable, or at least it was how I find it when I come to learn that cancer was treacherously eating my flesh inside.

When I started seeing my doctors, I thought my cancer was only a mistake. I was completely fine and felt no pain in any part of my body to complain of, except feeling fatigue and an irregular menstrual cycle, which is I have no more control over my own body. The only thing peculiar about me was my body temperature as it was then turning steel cold, had it not been with my beating heart, I would say that I was slowly cadaver. It was then that I come to notice that my strength was slowly leaving my body. Soon, I found myself unusually exhausted with what little task I have accomplished.

My doctors diagnosed me with endomentrial cancer stage 111 and with what they said, I inferred that I had only few years to live and so I had to listen and consent to whatever was best for me to further my life span. Eventualy, I underwent a surgery which had my uterus taken out from my body as my cancer was thriving thereat.

I was all alone in hospital when I found out. I tried to cry but no tears came out. I felt fear- but what could I do?''

Upon discovering my critical condition, my doctors had my body filled with bags of blood, and I was sure to leave the hospital the next day as I was really feeling no pain at all. Just as I thought, I did leave the hospital on the morrow and then, sadly, I had to come back the next day, and come back again and again, just to have my body refilled with bags of blood from people whom I have no way to return the kindness they gave. I was like a flower in a broken vase that must be refilled with water every time or else, I will expire before my time. It was then that I started to panic, and then I became terrified, angry, and overloaded with emotions opposite to hope and joy.

Finally, I was discharged and home again with my 5 childrens and my husband, but I worried to tell my children that I have cancer, I was fearful that oneday I leaving them behind. which is I'm not ready yet to leave them knowing that I don't know what the future hold for my children, in a foreign country that is away from our homeland.

Consequently, every night I found myself holding a syringe and as much as I was anxious just by the sight of its needle, I would pierce my stomach with it as I quietly screech in pain with a cloth between my teeth for my husband and children to be clueless about it in the next room. This self-torture was a countermeasure against the side effect of my medication which was sure to form blood clots in my lungs. This medical ritual was stretched into many nights than I can care to count.

The next step would have been to undergo radiation and chemotherapy to ascertain that I become cancer- free. I was almost ready for it, but on my scheduled dates, my white blood cell level would go against it. And so I had put off my plan for chemotherapy. All those hospital visits and vacations were already draining the life out of me, and whatever remains of it, I resolve to live it purposefully.

My cancer journey had me crippled in my darkest thoughts during my long nights in my bed at the hospital. It was a complete nightmare, only my eyes were wide open. And just when I succumbed to all those horrifying thoughts, the images of all those tiny babies I have carried in my arms came flashing in my mind. I have carried in my arms. I thought of my little brother whom I had to carry with me in my grade school as my mother was often away. And then I thought of my firstborn daughter who I named Angel as she looked like one: then my firstborn son, Jhon, then came Jeric, and Justin: my sweet little boys. And then came to my little version Vanah, my youngest little girl.

I thought of everyone I hold dear to my heart, especially my husband who is also fighting a silent battle. Surprisingly, these beautiful thoughts freed me from the debilitating fear of death. Then a miracle happened to me. A miracle must have come from the kindness I have received from everyone around me.

Tomorrow is never promised to anyone, this fact of life makes us all equal. So don't go crying thinking you will be the first to die. That is not automatically mean we cannot make life worth living. Do whatever it is that makes your heart beat a little faster. Read books, write a letter. Dance, or sing. Water your plants. Or do anything equally meaningful.

Cancer may come looking for me again, as I cannot say that being totally free of it, but I will cheat it while I still can. I have so many things to do. I have to keep going. I am maybe a goner but am also a mother and I have a house to make a home.