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Mum in a Pandemic

PCRs, Sniffles and Sleepless Nights.

By Deborah RobinsonPublished 3 years ago 4 min read
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Mum in a Pandemic
Photo by engin akyurt on Unsplash

Dear Diary,

The first day of school is here. K has been desperately waiting for this day; waiting to get her uniform back on, and waiting to see her friends.

The pandemic meant no travel for us this summer. Sure, the rules stated that we could certainly go camping, or have a little staycation somewhere, but sadly, that would mean going to places everyone else would be going. Campsites would be rammed, the coastal towns (our hometown included) would be packed, and anywhere with a little bit of tourist appeal is out, as far as I'm concerned. What's the point in going away for a break when there will be people there? Germ spreading, noisy, entitled people.

So, we mainly just stayed home, did half-day trips here and there, and used local parks. K was well up for seeing her chums after 7 weeks off, and I had to stand by, grinning like it was all fantastic, when inside I was screaming through a whole load of 'what-if?' scenarios: what if she coughs? What if another child coughs? Will they go back to home-schooling? How will I be able to fit in work? And most terrifyingly- what will this do to her mental-health?

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Dear Diary,

So, three days in and there has been a positive case. Covid has entered the building. Which means I have to keep my child off, get a PCR test done, and await the results before she can go back to school. Photographic proof of a negative result is required. Then, same again on day 8. I'm devastated for her, and I actually cannot handle the thought of having to rattle a mini toilet brush around her throat and up her nose! It is actually hard not to resent whoever brought the flipping virus into school.

It's no-one's fault, but my nerves are on edge, and my anxiety and agoraphobia are up to the ceiling, not being able to control any of this, and having no choice but to 'follow the rules.' As for trying to run my Etsy shop, feed a permanently hungry child, who only wants 'snacks' and not actual bread or anthing more than 'mouth-food', as I call it, and trying to do live tuition online, I just don't know how I will manage. It's funny how these things always fall onto mothers. Dads somehow, are entitled to go to work and come home when the deed is done. Meanwhile mothers have to coax reluctant babes into accepting the bog brush swab, while all we want to do is cry and soothe them.

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Dear Diary,

The result came back negative, thankfully, after a whole night of waking every hour or so to check my phone. I'm exhausted. The highs and lows of this are enough to drive anyone up a mountain. I can now actually focus on work, which I couldn't do since my stomach was churning, and I couldn't sleep properly.But I'm too tired and adrenaline fatigued to be productive.

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Dear Diary,

Day 8, and here we go again. The mini toilet brush caused many tears. K tried to be brave, but she's only 7, and it actually destroys me making her do this. I want to just say 'F**k it', but I can't keep her away from school either.

Deep breaths.

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Dear Diary,

The results came later than last time. I took her for a walk on the beach with the dog- far away from actual people of course, and dressed and ready for school. I just assumed she was negative! And she was. At 9.30am the text came. So, I marched her home, got her to school, had a coffee and then just sat, staring at my computer screen, totally wrung out from another sleepless night of checking.

Here's to a 'normal' week.

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A week later...

Dear Diary,

She has sniffles! She has a runny nose! F**k sake! Pre 2019 I would have kept her off for a day or two and sent her back in. I made the mistake of asking on the Messenger Group if anyone else's child had cold symptoms. One plucky mother said yes, but the LFT was negative and so her son would be attending school. Our LFTs were negative, too, but still I felt scrutinised, especially when two mums claimed the 'positive case' kids they knew had cold symptoms, and maybe a PCR would give peace of mind. Also, 'LFTs only show Covid if the virus is strong.' An axious mind reads this as 'If you don't get a test, you are an irresponsible, selfish person.'

So I caved and booked another stressful test, went to bed, cried, and rolled around actually thinking 'I'm losing my mind, here. This is the apocalypse and the end of the world as we know it.' Husband basically told me to go and get it done, as 'we are being responsible because others aren't.' We had a bit of a tense moment when I said 'You're lucky you can just go to work, and not have to put our daughter through this.' He was angry. So was I. I cried more. He left me to it. Probably for the best.

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Dear Diary,

So, here I am again waiting for another result to come through. I'm expecting another sleepless night of checking, unless by some miracle the results come tonight. And again, hoping my motherly instincts are right, and she just has a cold. Because if she doesn't...well, they were right.

parents
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About the Creator

Deborah Robinson

I'm new to the 'writing for real' scene. Previously, I've kept my poetry and writing under wraps in a fancy notebook, but now I've decided to give it a proper go!

I hope you enjoy my work.

Thanks, Deborah.

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