Movies

Firsts: Movies

We all have a few movies that bring out tears, you know they’re coming, but you watch it anyway, it’s a healthy cry, it sweeps the cob webs from your soul, it’s memories of moments long ago, of what we considered better days. Not knowing the future, our references are slim, devoid of what we haven’t or can’t see.

I just finished watching one that hits me on so many levels it’s hard to fathom, I ball like a baby needing a bottle. When my dad passed it seems a part of me died as well, something I’ll never get back, something I long for but will never be able to reach for again. He was my guy, my personal Shell Answer Man, he taught me everything I know, but not everything he knew.

I was channel surfing when I saw the movie Field of Dreams, and every son that’s lost a dad or every dad that’s lost a son knows this is dreadfully great. Commingling baseball and fatherhood is the easiest way to turn on my eye sprinklers, and it was no different today than the other twenty times I’ve seen it. When Ray and John share a ‘catch’ at the end, every nuisance in my body breaks down into a flood of tears, yea, I miss the old man that much.

I have awful regrets with him I can never take back, little things that will haunt me forever, and now that he’s gone, I can’t apologize for my youthful stupidity. It was never a big rhubarb, but the little things that are burned so deeply, tics in my craw, and there’s no escape.

One I remember like it just happened minutes ago, he had gotten home from a long day of work and I was shooting hoops on the driveway, the hoop he had set up for me. He pulled into the garage and limped to the corner of the front walkway, he had his cane to help him walk, and he set it down gently.

“Throw me the ball son”, he beckoned and I sighed in frustration. He wanted to take a few shots but that meant I would have to rebound and feed him the ball until he had enough. I tossed him the ball carefully, for if it went by him, I’d have to run after it. He took a few shots and I kept feeding him the ball, but all I could think was “what’s in this for me?”

What a selfish prick I was, he could barely walk and I could run all day, and all he wanted was to share some time with me, but he saw my angst and wandered into the house, most definitely saddened by his piece of shit son. Now I’d die to spend ten more minutes with him, to say I’m sorry, to tell him how much I love and idolize him, but those chances are over.

There he stood, barely erect, just wanting to bond with me, writing this brings back those sad memories. I’m guessing I was eleven or twelve then, and here I am at sixty three with scars that will never heal. A precious gift I wasted, and too young and dumb to realize it. I want that time back, I can’t have it, instead I cry and wish for a miracle I know will never come.

I know in my heart, he too was young once and forgives me for this slight, but I never will. I too ended up with four children and now know my best days are seeing them smiling, laughing and being together, and years from now one of them will feel like I do today. Maybe once again that will be my fault, one never knows, but being in Idaho I know I miss them a lot, more than I imagined.

No one lives life faultless but most every regret I have is for things I didn’t do, life is short, do what makes you happy. Make everyday the best day possible, believe in yourselves, and show emotions, it only hurts when you don’t.

Crack Egg Out