Motherhood is so weird

You are exhausted, drained, touched out and all you want is just a break. But then once you finally get a break and leave the kids with their daddy you feel so guilty about it so you’re rushing to be with them.

Just wanting one shower alone in peace and quiet - mom guilt.

Even just showering while the kids are with their dad downstairs and you hear one of them crying - mom guilt.

Not getting the time to fold the laundry or get dinner going before your husband gets home from work - mom guilt.

Looking forward to nap time or bed time - mom guilt.

Not showing my toddler as much attention as I used to because I’m so busy with my newborn - mom guilt.

Motherhood is messy. It’s chaotic.

Throw postpartum on top of it, it’s even harder. It’s a balance that you have to figure out.

But it’s a beautiful messy.

It’s not the cute little squares you see on Instagram. It’s far from picture perfect.

This picture is not what most would call “IG worthy” but it is to me. I look at this picture and for once see past my post baby body. I see pure happiness.

Motherhood is the hardest but best thing that’s ever happened to me.

I asked a friend to describe her postnatal condition a month ago, and her message caused me pain combined with admiration.

"My throat burns, my eyes hurt, I’m tired, shaking, and ashamed...THIS is real motherhood.

Before you send me your love notes saying “you’re doing a great job, mom”, or your advice, “have you tried...??”, let me say this, as much as I love your support and guidance, I post these moments not for me, but because society has created this monster in motherhood. This monster that says we are supposed to be perfect, look perfect, and post the pretty. I, personally, feel so isolated by the image society has created for me, scared that in these moments when I should feel like I need to reach out for help, I will be judged instead. .

I think one of the hard parts of motherhood is that you can have a wonderful, engaged, memorable even day with your children and STILL have moments like these, moments when you question your sanity, moments when you question your ability, moments that crush you. .

What am I crying about? Well, it could be a mixture of many things. Lack of sleep due to teething and my rigorous schedule, lack of time for myself, lack of naps, anxiety, depression, relationships, money, housekeeping, feedings, teenager, infants, twins...what DON’T moms have to deal with? In the end, it doesn’t matter why. My kids are alive and healthy (thank God!), and I could have much bigger things to cry about. But, that doesn’t make me any less ashamed for yelling at my kids, having feelings that don’t make me “normal” according to society’s mom standards, putting my twins to bed early, or needing a second to myself and hiding in a room away from my three year old while he watches TV. .

Please, don’t feel sorry for me and please be gentle (with everyone, you never know what people are going through!)"

Much easier thanks to you

"Dear husband,

I’m sorry for all the madness I put you through, for all the times I’ve screamed at you in the middle of the night when the baby woke up for the 10th time, for all the date nights we have to cancel and for all the times I forgot to tell you how amazing you are, just because I was too exhausted to speak.

I’m sorry for all the times I’ve pooped with the door open, even though I promised we’d always do our best to keep the romance alive, I’m sorry for all the times I’ve kept score of who changed the most diapers or who’s turn it was to do the dishes. .

This isn’t our forever my love, this is just our beautiful chaotic present. This is the hard part, the part where we’re rushing through life, trying to be enough for each other and our kids - the part where we grow, the part where we test our relationship to the fullest.

It’s the part where I need you the most, the part where I need you to love me a little extra when I least deserve it, because it’s still me, underneath the sleep deprived monster you meet in the morning, it’s still me, it’s still us, it all started with you and it will all end with you. .

One day we’ll miss this, even the chaos, we will have time to actually go on a date night again, our kids won’t need us as much then, but I will always need you my love. So thank you - for choosing me day after day even though I’m not always my best self, if our love can be this great today, in the middle of all the chaos, can you imagine how beautiful it will be in 10 years when we have time to finish the laundry?"