Motherhood

Entering motherhood, you think its going to be a walk in the park. You believe that you are going to make it through all the obstacles with your significant other. But what happens if you’re doing it alone? What happens if you begin struggling with being a mom because even though you seem good, the stories from others that traumatized you.

Ive been there. I am still there. But everything makes life feel a little more confusing. It makes me double think everything I do when it comes to being a human being and being a mother in general.

Becoming a mom was one of the scariest things I think I’ve ever encountered. I was giving life to a human being, but this human being was my child. Someone I need to make sure I shape into a man, someone who I need to make a standup person. I mean, can we all agree that within this day and ages upcoming generation its perfectly understandable? I will need to protect this child, make sure they have everything they need. These are responsibilities many people don’t need to worry about having while they’re only nineteen and just leaving home to attend college.

Throughout the months and becoming ready for the day where my child enters the world, I started becoming more wary of things. Unfortunately you begin noticing that those “friends” you once had, stop coming around. Will you hear from them? Sure, but not as often as pre-baby. Physically, you wouldn’t be seeing them either, unless they were the ones making the effort. Experiencing this made me realize that I didn’t need them. I didn’t want this false picture painted to make my child think that this person will always be within their lives.

I honestly denied to have any friends, other than one person when I had my son. I literally didn’t give people the time of day any longer, and I stopped caring about what others were able to do without having any other worries in their lives.

As petty as it seems, recently, and this is five years later; I cared what others were able to do. For a little while I was extremely jealous of the fact that people were able to drop whatever they were doing, like it didn’t matter, and run off to get drunk whenever they pleased. For a little while, being a mother made me cry uncontrollably because within my pregnancy, I had a lot of extreme health issues. From severe pre-eclampsia, to hypertension, blood pressure, and severe acute sleep apnea that is affecting the left side of my brain. From everything I encountered I gained almost two hundred pounds. Being a first time mother and seeing everyone else bounce back to their pre-baby bodies, I was jealous. I would try the most extreme dieting plans out there, then fail miserably every single time.

Now, I know that seems extremely petty. It seems as if I don’t want to have my child, that I’d rather be worry free. Well, you’re wrong. Just because I’m a mother, doesn’t mean that I cant have a night off here and there. That I’m not allowed to take time to myself without having extra attachments. I’m proud of being a mom. I love watching my son grow and learn new exciting things everyday. I couldn’t picture life any other way.

If I didn’t have him, I’d be lost. I’d be lost within life itself. The common thing mainly said from time and time again is “My child saved my life.” My younger self was too outgoing, always up to do things that most parents wouldn’t want their children doing in the first place. I never really cared about what I said, and whom it potentially affected. Having a child felt like God’s way of saying “here’s a child, now calm down.” Looking down into a little babies face and realizing that this baby is yours, you changed your demeanor. You change your whole outlook and aspect of life. You want the absolute best there can be for that little ones future.

Five years later and now I can fully say that I am happy from where I have come from and where I have overcome throughout the years. Needless to say, every storm eventually runs out of rain. Normally when that happens, I’d say that’s the best time to come to terms with whatever you were once battling. Be thankful for what you have and who you have within your life.