Mom Is Gonna Be Alright

While it is difficult most days to admit to my kids I am going through mental health struggles, the best thing I have done is admit to them that I am struggling. They were one of the first ones I told, I told them out of respect and so that they could understand that adults aren't impervious. Telling them I up and quit my job was one of the hardest things I've had to do, but I did it for my mental health.

My kids are 9 and 12, I've always raised them with open minds and open hearts and told them there is nothing more important than self care. I know a lot of people look at self care as selfish, that we are told to work, make money, and support the family. "Put on your big-boy pants and just do the job," what kind of mindset is that? I wouldn't have quit if I didn't the support to do so, I have too much to risk at this point of my life.

I knew my whole life that I wanted to be a mom, I knew that was one of my callings, to raise my kids in this crazy world we live in. I want them to have a different view than the rest of the world, I want them to understand that the world is cruel, that it's ok to be vulnerable...but always have your shell on, your walls up, your armor on (whatever phrase you prefer). So let's just say I'm repairing my armor at this point, that I am working on myself so that I can head back into the world.

The upside of spending so much of my kids' summer break with them isn't what you would think. I don't have the funds to go on vacations like I try and plan, I don't have any big plans besides taking care of myself, this is the goal! However I love waking up with them and just talking with them. Every morning I wake up, grab coffee, and tell them good morning. This is my favorite part! My heart swells with pride and love for my kids, I can't even express how much I see myself in their inquisitive faces. I love talking about our dreams, to go through what we have planned for the day, (or not have planned for the day), just having some social time before we get on with our daily business.

We all have some sort of chore everyday.

We all have daily responsibilities.

We all pull our weight...mostly, (sometimes it takes mom being extra assertive for them).

I often wonder to myself if this is how stay at home mom's do it? Mind you I am not a stay at home mom type of gal. The concept seems crazy (obviously no offense, to each their own), but maybe eventually I can be a work from home type of mom (if something happens for me in that department). Every day I would get up have coffee, a small breakfast, say good morning and head out to work for the day. That was the 'norm' and it was ok for awhile, but deep down, I knew there was more to my life than that.

So for now we hang out at home, enjoy playing with our animals, go run random errands, play games together (video games and board games), I also went and bought some paints so we could do some art therapy.

I show them resilience.

I show weakness and strength.

I do not hide my feelings.

I tell them that it's okay, that I will be okay.

I would rather them have the view of their mom fighting for her wellbeing then to be the mom who is never there for them. The one who would come home too depressed and withdrawn to listen to a word they would say. The mom who would wait from the moment she got home for them to go to bed. I didn't like that version of myself! What kind of parent was I?

My mind was dark, my heart felt darker, I put on the face of happiness only to be struggling so massively on the inside. It was exhausting playing two-faced all the time, not only that but as COVID restrictions started lifting my shell, mask, armor, begun to break. I was having a harder time holding my self together, the smallest comment and I'd crumble, there was an internal struggle that I didn't see until I was called out on it.

Realizing you are not well is hard to admit, coming to terms with it is harder. Knowing from my own past how hard it is on your psyche to bottle things, in my case, a tad dangerous. I become verbally abusive, drink too much, and take too many risks. I know my weaknesses and I admit them.

I have grown.

I have adapted.

I am happier.

While talks of, 'sorry we can't go out to do [fill in the blank],' happens a lot over the last couple weeks. They get it, at least they tell me they get it. That sometimes convenience isn't worth the cost, when you are trying to budget. Sometimes we forget that kids are extremely resilient too, that they get it. They keep me going, they keep me sane, they keep me, more than anything, alive!