Mom Guilt

I was familiar with the term “mommy guilt” long before I became a mom myself.

Friends and relatives who were working moms habitually shared their worries about not doing enough. Sometimes they were made to feel that way, due to social and cultural expectations.

When I became a mom, I opted to be a stay at home mom. Thanks to my hardworking husband I had the luxury of doing so, but did this put an end to my mommy guilt?

No, being a stay at home mom is no bed of roses. There are times when you still seem to fail the social and cultural expectations. You spend your whole day looking after your kids yet at night you feel guilty for not being the best.

From screen time to timeout everything you do makes you feel uncomfortable one way or the other.

“The realities of motherhood are often obscured by a halo of illusions. The future mother tends to fantasize about love and happiness and overlooks the other aspects of child-rearing: the exhaustion, frustration, loneliness, and even depression, with its attendant state of guilt.”

― Élisabeth Badinter, The Conflict: How Modern Motherhood Undermines the Status of Women

Mom guilt is a part of us

For the past 15 years, I have had the experience of both stay at home mom, and working mom. I have learned no matter what I do I will still be subjected to mom guilt and it is only up to me to utilize the feeling positively.

Mom guilt has many origins, from personal insecurities to outside pressures in the form of family, friends, social media, and other sources.

A quick scroll through Instagram or Facebook will show hundreds of posts of what other moms seem to be doing so well, from educational activities to perfectly groomed toddlers posing sweetly. (Remember: Little do we know whether they were having a full-blown tantrum just seconds before or after that shot.)

Even formal recommendations, such as those from doctors and organizations, can create feelings of inadequacy.

According to a 2013 survey of 2,000 moms by NUK, 87% of mothers feel guilty at some point, with 21% unfortunately reporting feeling this way most or all of the time. 69% of moms feel guilt over the ratio of their work-life balance, and 40% worry they are not giving enough time to their children.

American moms

As more mothers have entered the U.S. workforce in the past several decades, the share of two-parent households in which both parents work full time now stands at 46%, up from 31% in 1970. At the same time, the share with a father who works full time and a mother who doesn’t work outside the home has declined considerably; 26% of two-parent households today fit this description, compared with 46% in 1970, according to a new Pew Research Center analysis of Current Population Survey data.

A full 70 per cent of mothers with kids under age 18 work outside the home, and 40 per cent of these moms are the family breadwinner — the majority of whom are single mothers.

In 1970, just 40 per cent of American children had a “traditional” stay-at-home mom, with a working husband. Today that number is about half that.

A survey by Fisher-Price suggests American moms are particularly vulnerable to feeling this guilt, and “seem to feel more pressure than moms in the other countries surveyed based on a higher level of agreement with statements reflecting parental confidence.” In that survey, 42% of U.S. moms polled felt that “properly caring for the baby while taking care of myself and my responsibilities is a big challenge.”

Uncontrolled Mom guilt can be dangerous

Mother guilt starts during pregnancy and continues to rear its ugly head at home, work, and in society in general. So-called experts — as well as plenty of amateurs — like to point out perceived flaws in moms, saying we’re too free-range, to tiger mom, too pushy, too controlling, etc. And because we love our children so fiercely, we’re susceptible to second-guessing and ongoing regret.

Some moms feel a weight on their shoulders (or chest, soul, etc.), and some feel panicky — like they need to fix the problem right now. Mom guilt is the should, the supposed to’s, and the other moms are… clanking around in your head as you try to make it through the day.

At times working-mom guilt leads some women to drop out of the workforce, take less-demanding and lower-paying positions. Long-term, they rarely catch up, and collectively, this keeps the pay gap alive and well.

Unrestrained mom guilt can be a sign of depression which can lead to serious mental health problems.

Women need to learn to forgive themselves. Nature has chosen them for this strenuous task of being a mom and apparently they seem to be doing it well, being the only bearers of their status for billions of years.

Embracing mom guilt as a sign of positivity

“When people feel guilt, they tend to focus on behaviour. Guilt is more proactive.”

_June Tangney, PhD, a George Mason University psychology professor and author of several books on moral emotions.

What we need to understand as a mother is that if we feel we are not doing enough for our children that means we are keeping our selves on a check and always striving towards improvement.

Nobody likes to carry feelings of guilt around for long. It can be the push we need to make some changes in our lives, so we come closer to being the parent we want to be.

When we do something wrong and apologize for it our children learn from our behaviour and they know how to react when they make a mistake.

Mothers can do things for their children that they couldn’t think of doing for themselves.

It is about time we stop pulling our selves down with mom guilt and accept it as a positive driving force.