Mom Boss, Mom Bitch

My mother was crazy. Seriously, bat wing certifiable nuts. We didn't find out though until she was almost 80 years old. At that point she couldn't take care of herself anymore. Or, more accurately she couldn't find anyone or bully anyone to take care of her. The doctor had to provide exam results to the nursing home so Mom could be admitted.

What a relief that day was. Finding out your mother is nuts after so many years is cathartic and shocking to be sure. But it also helps explain much of the underlying trauma, angst and bitterness residue I carry around from growing up. I'm trying to be kinder to myself, reflect more gently on my past when it comes up, and generally feel better about myself.

Not having the luxury of growing up with a "normal" mother simply means that I have learned behaviors and beliefs that are different. Many of those life lessons can be boiled down into about 10 things you should know. Especially if you suspect or think your mom is a little bit wiggy or off-center shall we say.

1. Money is a funny thing.

Money had its own personality in my house. For one thing, Dad was always at work or out playing golf. He was asleep when he was home except for the very early hours of the morning. Before he went to work.

Which meant us kids dealt with mom every day. Before school, after school, after work, at meal time. And mom was definitely the boss, the chief money officer and other related titles. If you needed money for something, you had to ask mom. Even when Dad was awake, we got the "Go ask your mother" response.

The task of asking for money -- maybe for a school project, or you needed lunch money -- became an ordeal. She had to know what it was for. And she always gave you a different amount than you asked for.

She would say, "Here. This is what I have." And, hand you a fistful of quarters, dimes, nickels and pennies. If you counted the change and were still lacking, a second ask was usually met with "That's all we have."

God forbid you had to ask her to write a check for anything. I can laugh about it now, but at the time it was so strange. When I was in college my first year, the folks had agreed to pay for tuition, room and board, and a little bit of spending money. But, if I wanted that spending money, I had to ask for it.

Then she would send a check. I asked for $25 and about a week later, I would get a check in the mail for $26.49. I let it pass several times, then had to ask. "Why the funny amount? All I needed was $25." The response still makes me laugh... "That amount made my checking account balance come out to whole dollars... zeroes on the end."

Still today I have money challenges. And opportunities, more than most, for which I am grateful. But darn if I didn't make my checking account balance come out with all zeroes on the end, just the other day.

2. Gaslighting is real.

Gaslighting is an interesting topic. To me and any other kid that grew up under a constant barrage of it. Its gotten more press lately and I notice now that we understand a lot more about how damaging it can be.

If you grew up with it you have to learn to discern between the truth and lies. My grandfather didn't actually serve in World War I, he was in ROTC. My mother never actually belonged to a sorority, she had her picture taken that way for the college paper. My grandmother was not part Cherokee.

And so it goes. You learn the truth over time about what you've been told. Some truths are shocking or can be, until you realize that it doesn't matter any more. What you were told at the time was wrong, so you have to adjust now. Adjust how you think, what you perceive as the truth, and what to say when someone asks about a sensitive subject.

I still have issues with the truth. Either what someone tells me or what I tell someone else. But I'm a work in progress. Striving to tell the truth always will indeed set you free. Free from the gaslighting at least.

3. Sex education can come from books.

When all my friends in high school were taking Biology class and learning about the human body, I was not allowed. "It's dirty" I was told. But I was made to read "Even Cowgirls Get The Blues". That was my sex education.

Did I learn things from that book? Yes, definitely. And I still remember certain passages. The Chink, yam oil, the time keeping device in the cave, "It's time to do something." And, so on. Plus the parts of the female anatomy described in the book are accurate as far as I can tell.

Later on in college I enrolled in and passed a real Biology class. Not for any prurient interests, but because I had to have a science credit. Rest assured, my mother never knew.

4. Act like you know what you're doing.

One of the best lessons I learned from mom came about because of a need to visit a friend in the hospital. I didn't have a family or relative connection and my friend was sick enough that she had restricted visitation. Mom had volunteered at the hospital at one time, so she knew her way around.

Her best advice was to find out my friend's room number ahead of a trip to the hospital. "Go to the hospital and walk in like you know what you're doing." Don't check in or ask to visit my friend. Act like you know what you're doing and no one will bother you.

Sure enough, worked like a charm. I was able to visit my friend several times and all because my crazy mother told me to "act like you know what you're doing". There have been many applications of this lesson outside the hospital as well. As I grew older I realized that no one really cares what you do, as long as you act like you know what you're doing.

5. Don't drink and lie.

Drinking and alcohol has been a touchy subject in my family for many years. Dad was a closet drinker... didn't want anyone, especially mom, to know he was drinking. One of my uncles had issues with alcohol but that's a whole other story. Like a lot of people growing up I experimented with beer, wine and liquor. But found I had very little, if any, control.

Mom tried to discourage my drinking by gaslighting several family accidents and tragedies. She would say that the person who died in the car accident was the one drinking. I found out many years later that the person who died was not at fault. It was actually her dad, my uncle. These were problems left unaddressed, subjects we were forbidden to talk about.

Drinking is one problem. Lying is another. When you mix the two, all sorts of disasters can occur. Not the least of which was, for me, mom's anger when she found out I'd been drinking. The punishment was usually doubled - one for drinking, and one for lying. My best advice, and the lesson I learned from mom? Don't drink and lie.

6. Control is an illusion.

If you think you have any control when you live with a crazy mother, you are mistaken. One of the most difficult parts is never knowing what to expect. When you get home from school or from work, you have to open the front door cautiously. And the first thing you do when you walk inside is check mom's attitude or feelings right then, at that moment.

Sadly, even then, the situation can change at any moment. The reason for the change may not be immediately apparent either. People today talk about "triggers". I grew up with several. "Don't move the furniture." "Don't touch the thermostat."

When I was newly married, we went to see the folks for Christmas. And, my beautiful wife packed holiday food, including sausage, cheese and crackers. Food prep included broiling the sausage first, then broiling the cheese on top to melt it before putting it on crackers. When we used the broiler, you would have thought all hell had broken loose. "We never use the broiler."

Gradually, I've learned its okay to move the furniture around. My wife periodically did that to clean behind it, get all the dust bunnies, and so on. And, if you are too hot or too cold, you can actually use the thermostat. The earth will not shift on its axis if you use the broiler. Life lessons.

7. Let your hair down.

Mom was brilliant too. Her IQ had to be over 150, even though I'm not sure I could find her test results. She was the Senior Editor of her college newspaper. She made up her own crossword puzzles. Every once in a while, she would be lucid and we'd talk about history, farming (she grew up as an only child on my grandfather's farm), or current events.

On those days she would "let her hair down" as she used to say. Any subject was okay to bring up. There were no repercussions or disapproval. And it seemed she was actually enjoying herself. Regrettably I never figured out how to help her maintain that calm or happiness.

The next day or maybe a couple of days later, we would wind up back on the crazy side. On reflection, some of the medications she received later in life might have helped her much earlier. But, it's okay to let your hair down once in a while, even if you are crazy.

8. You always know the truth.

No matter how many times you've been gaslighted. Or how many lies you've been told or tell yourself. The truth is always there. Sometimes you have to dig deep. Or spend a lot of time reflecting and thinking about where the truth actually lies.

Other people can help you too. Therapists and counselors make a living helping people like you and me and my mom. They have a variety of tools and experiences that can help you relate. Relate to yourself and to those around you.

Good friends who are truly friends can help as well. Cultivating good friendships has become a journey for me. I rely on them, perhaps more than I should, to help me talk through my issues. And I do my best to be the same for them when they need it.

The truth is there. And it will set you free when you find it. Free from some of the crazy you grew up with.

9. It's not your turn.

We had a small family, three of us kids in total. One of mom's rules was that each of us had to take turns at whatever it was we wanted to do. If I wanted to invite a friend over on any given day, I had to check and see if it was my turn.

Once after school I showed up at the house with a good friend in tow. But it wasn't my turn. The shouting and yelling about it was embarrassing to say the least. My friend looked shocked as I did. All I could do was go back outside with him and apologize.

The sense of resentment, I can still feel today when talking about it. What do you mean its not my turn? All I wanted to do was ask a friend to come over to play. No big deal, right? You would think so. I tried to make sure my own children had no such restrictions. Maybe I left a little bit of the craziness at its point of origin, where it should be.

Along with "not your turn" came the "you're not smarter than your brother or sister" rule. That one has gotten me into difficulties more times than I can count. I'm reasonably intelligent and can carry on a conversation with just about anybody. One of my friends and roommates in college once said to me, "For somebody as smart as you are, you sure say some stupid things." It took me a long time to figure out that came from mom. And her crazy rules or triggers.

It finally dawned on me when a former boss took me out for a beer after work. He's really very smart, almost scary smart. Before we walked into the bar, he opened the door. Then looked at me and said, "How does it feel to know that you and I are smarter than 95% of the people in here." I had to laugh. And all the old rules disappeared.

10. Never, ever give up the hope of being "normal".

Fact is, there is no "normal" when it comes to family matters. Every one of us has experienced the good side and the bad or challenging side. Maybe your mom wasn't crazy. I hope that is true. But on reflection, I have no idea what that would feel like.

So I carry my crazy parts around and press on. There is always hope. In fact, one of the lessons learned from my mom is to never give up. No matter how good or bad a day she was having, she always pushed. Go farther, do more, spend some money, read a book, and act like you know what you're doing.