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Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss

by Mar Ta 3 years ago in grief
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My Journey

I've been coming across more and more women opening up about suffering a miscarriage, still birth, or loss of a child. If you've ever experienced any of those tragic events, you feel SO alone because of how "taboo" the subject is. No one wants to talk about their miscarriage, and people don't know how to console someone who has suffered the loss of a child. That's where the problem lies. When this subject is brought up, it's usually quickly dismissed or made into an awkward moment when the other person doesn't know what to say. If you've ever been in that situation, you don't need to say anything! Just be there to listen. Listen to all the details the mother wants to share with you, listen to all the horrible parts that she can't get through telling without crying. Just simply, BE THERE. Before suffering a miscarriage, I was that person. I had no idea what to say (I'm horrible at finding the right words to say in tough situations). But upon having experienced that, I've learned that there is NOTHING you can say. Nothing will bring that sweet baby back, nothing will change the outcome of what the mother went through. She just needs your listening ear and support.

The purpose of this post was to share my past and shed some light on just how common miscarriages are.

My (now) ex and I were just moving into a little studio apartment together. Living our lives to the fullest. Happy, content, traveling, working hard, and building a close relationship with each other. One evening, he came home from work late and we had been arguing. I was in fact, emotional and moody. I just thought it was my period but prior to him coming home, I had taken a pregnancy test, which did come out positive! Amidst the argument, I just shouted "Can you please be nicer to me, I'm emotional because I'm pregnant," and he just paused. A baby had been something he had wanted for a long time, and I could see the excitement in his eyes. We drove to Walgreens and picked up four more pregnancy tests, that I took back to back. All showing "PREGNANT" on the fancy little digital tests. I was nervous, but also excited. I didn't know what to do first?! Do I buy pre-natals, schedule my first appointment, tell my family? I was so confused as this was my first pregnancy. Totally planned, but caught us off guard a little as we had had a few months with no luck.

I went to my first doctor's appointment and had my blood drawn, in order to confirm my pregnancy. I was so excited, sitting in the doctors office receiving all these pamphlets, books, tips, etc! I took everything home, sat on my bed and starting to go over EVERYTHING. I wanted this pregnancy to be a healthy and beautiful experience as I've always imagined it being.

The morning of September 30th, 2016 I woke up with cramps. I went to the restroom... light pink blood... I immediately panicked and called my boyfriend at the time. He was working overnight, and an hour away but left work as soon as I told him what happened. He took the wrong exit and ended up going even further away... I couldn't tell you how long it took him to get home, because I was laying on the floor crying my eyes out–but it felt like forever. He finally arrived... picked me up off the floor and just hugged me. We knew what was happening, just didn't want to believe it.

Me, being the negative person that I am, I already "knew" this was a miscarriage. I had no hope, I was devastated before even arriving to the ER. He tried to stay positive for me, but I felt the uneasiness within him. After hours in the emergency room, the doctor walks in, shuts the door and takes a seat across from my hospital bed. I will NEVER forget the look on his face and the few moments he took to gather his thoughts and relay the news to me. "I'm sorry this is not a viable pregnancy. It doesn't look like it's going to make it." I finally got the tests results of them having drawn my blood... I knew the HCG level of my previous blood work, so I had something to compare the ER's result too... and it was heartbreaking to hear the new number being lower than a few days prior... more heartbreaking were the words out of this doctors mouth–a grown man having to tell a young woman a child within her has died. I could tell he dreaded the times he had to deal with situations such as this one. He had encouraging words and tried his best to convince me that this wasn't my fault. But I still felt guilty for months to come...

The day prior I was at lunch with my sister, about to tell her about being pregnant but I didn't–I already had some sort of "off" feeling about this. So I held off on telling her. I held off on telling my family. At that moment, there is no one who knew besides the father. Therefore, no support system besides him. I ended up breaking down to my siblings about what had happened. and they helped me through a horrible panic attack I had that evening.

To anyone suffering a loss–I am so so deeply sorry. I hope you find peace within yourself to accept this tragic event, and keep your baby's name (or memory) alive. You are still a mother, you are still enough as a woman, there is nothing wrong with you. One in four women suffer miscarriages or pregnancy loss, you are not alone.

Stay tuned for my next post about my rainbow baby!


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Mar Ta

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