Meow Means Meow

Sequel to Hunter Stalks the Darkness, find that story here.

Hunter Stalks the Darkness was not stalking right now. The sun was out, the beautiful marigolds were in bloom, their blossoms golden, and other shades or red and yellow reflecting the light and warmth. He was truly content. Ceiling Cat had provided the most wonderful of days to be a cat. Just behind his barn, there was a wide fat fence, tall enough that the dogs could not jump it. The mice and other vermin would never come out in the open, and in fact the humans could not see it from their house, making it the perfect place to enjoy the warmth from Ceiling Cat in total peace. A little-known fact, no creature on earth does contentment as well as a cat. His entire body had formed a sort of puddle, like smooth furry black pudding. He seemed almost boneless, with no movement, besides the gentle rise and fall of the entire puddle, accompanied by a gentle purring snore. Every so often, a gentle swaying of the lustrous brush-like tail went along with the purr. Everyone knows that Ceiling Cat abhors too much contentment however, as before long a voice was heard calling. “Georrrrge, Georgie kitten…”. One eye opened in the lazy puddle of vicious killing machine. While it may be true that cats are not terribly adept at mathematics, a twitching, furry, black ear precisely calculated the vector of his person calling to him. As repeated calls came, it became obvious that his hiding place would soon be compromised.

The repeated calls of “George” were met by indifference by Hunter. He had repeatedly told his person that that was not his name, and she had even made token efforts to meow his name correctly, but then she would persist in calling him by his domestic name. Hunter was many things, guardian of the barn, lord of all the farm, killer of rodents, but he refused to acknowledge that he was domestic.

The problem was that when his person, Fern, scratched him in that spot behind his ears, he was completely helpless. Since he was not hungry, her enticements had no effect upon him. He stood up and stretched his two-foot-long body almost to three feet, as he prepared to find another hiding spot. Just as his person turned around the corner of the barn, and spotted him, he was in a leisurely saunter away. He quickly scampered once he was out of her sight, and found another hiding spot too high for his person to spot him. This time, on top of a tool shed, still overlooking the beautiful field of green and gold, and still caressed by Ceiling Cats glowing sunlight. Spinning clockwise twice, and then counter-clockwise once, he settled down into a contented puddle once again. Another little-known fact, is that cats are indeed solar powered. They need to nap in the sun for hours in order to perform their night time stalking duties properly. They are in fact solar powered non-Newtonian fluids, rather than simple flesh like humans. Since the voice of his person was headed away from his current hiding spot, he closed his eyes, and enjoyed the bounty of sunlight, with just the occasional twitch of his ear proof that he was tracking his person.

He napped for a short period of time, and need I say, was fully content, until suddenly clouds covered the sun, and a brief summer rain poured down upon him. His startlement was brief, but explosive, as he leapt more than twice his body length straight up in the air. Apparently, his nap in the sun was done for. He quickly ran to the barn, and found another spot on some hay bales to hopefully continue it. After the required clockwise and anti-clockwise turns, he was ready to settle down, when an entire family of mice scampered past him cursing at each other. He was completely prepared to ignore them, as his belly was full of kibble, until one of the mice ran right over the top of his body. He again was startled into a full vertical leap, but when he landed, and his nap addled brain caught up, the mice were all almost to their mouse-hole. The laughter of the pig and other barn inhabitants showed that everyone had seen his embarrassment. He of course started grooming himself like it had been part of the plan all along. He casually sauntered out of the barn with his nose in the air, completely ignoring the other animals.

His fence was no good because his person would find him, the shed no good because it was completely wet, and while the rain had stopped, there were no guarantees that it would not start once again. The barn was also out, as it was too busy to nap properly. The only decent napping places were in the house. When the rain came down his person gave up her search, so he was not sure where she was now. Hunter walked to the back of his persons house, and leapt several body lengths to the open kitchen window. Sometimes you had to work hard to get in a quality nap. His person’s mother did not like him to be in the kitchen, and he had to move quickly to avoid the business end of the broom she wielded. Once in the house, he could tell that his person was making noise upstairs, and it was quite easy to find a quiet place on the home’s opposite side. Another bedroom with light shining in the window unto the bed made up just for him, was perfect. He scratched the bedding up a bit to make it even more perfect, before his three required turns, and plopped down directly into the pool of sunlight. His nap was undisturbed for quite some time. Of course, eventually the pool of sunlight moved and finally disappeared, as a good thing can never last as long as you would like. Before long, he found himself rudely awakened.

“There you are kitten,” his person said. She was too close for him to escape this time. She picked him up, none too gently, and he was about to hiss out his displeasure, when she started scratching him in his best spots. He was doomed now, as he was helpless when she scratched him. Before he knew it, he was sitting on a pink chair in front of a pink table covered in pink dishes. His person was placing a pink bonnet around his head, and tying a pink ribbon around his neck. His plan to flee as soon as he was released was foiled when his person put a saucer filled with milk and several biscuits in front of him. The distraction of his person’s soothing voice, and the allure of human food was too much for him, and he settled down to briefly enjoy the tea party. His person had quite the time talking to her dolls, who were also sitting around the table. When his person spoke to him, he of course meowed out appropriate replies, but she never seemed to understand him.

“Are the cookies good, Georgie?” she asked.

“Yes, they are good, I plan to steal yours when I escape” he replied.

“I love you too, George.”

“That’s not my name, I am Hunter Stalks the Darkness, get it right.” He said for the hundredth time.

“I know, you’re such a good boy, Georgie.” She started to pet him in the wrong spots, and he decided that a wrestling match was in order. Before long, he managed to escape her grasp, spill one of the doll’s saucers of milk, and stole another biscuit on his way out. He scampered for the open kitchen window, and was safely outside in two twitches of his tail. He dropped the biscuit, and started contorting himself to escape the noxious pink frilliness that was tied to his head and neck. By the time he was done, the family dog came up to see what was going on, and noticed the unprotected biscuit. Too quickly for the distracted cat to stop, the hundred-pound dog had grabbed the biscuit, and was about to gobble it down. Quick as lightning, the now bonnet-free cat slashed at the dog’s nose, causing him to drop Hunter’s ill-gotten gains.

“That’s my stolen biscuit,” Hunter hissed.

“Ow, but those are the best kind,” Cooper the dog replied, gently rubbing his abused nose. The biscuit was now broken, and the dog had finished part of it in one gobble. The affronted cat picked up the remainder and tried to stalk off to enjoy it in peace. Cooper followed the offended cat, darting his huge oversized head in to worry at him, in hopes that he might get more biscuit.

Hunter hunkered down and made a show of finishing the biscuit, and scratched the dog on the nose again for his trouble. “Meow means meow,” the incensed cat said finally. There was not much daylight left, and no good hiding places to catch any that remained. The cat headed off to try vainly to finish napping before dark.