Memories of My Father

"Sleep

Sleep tonight

And may your dreams

Be realized

If the thundercloud

Passes rain

So let it rain

Rain down on him" (from "MLK" by U2)

You know it’s coming, but nothing prepares you for the shock when a parent dies. This is someone who has known you since the moment you were conceived, someone who has been there your entire life. Your first friend, confidante, hero. And then the moment comes, and your mind goes back in time, randomly, to all the moments you shared with your father. The kinds of memories your mind brings up help sustain you through this surreal time.

"Could I have this dance for the rest of my life?

Would you be my partner every night?

When we're together it feels so right,

Could I have this dance for the rest of my life?" (From "Could I Have This Dance" by Anne Murray

He met the love of his life in high school, where they were sweethearts at Jefferson High School. Over the years, we heard the many stories of their courtship and how much they loved one another. They married in 1950, and then moved from Tampa to New York to start their working years. Throughout that time, their bond grew stronger, and their family bigger. He retired in 1973 to Florida, and they built a home together in the country to spend the rest of their lives. After 61 years of marriage, they knew each other better than the backs of their hands. All those petty arguments? They weren’t real - it was something to pass the time. Often, they didn’t even have to speak; they knew what was on the other’s mind.

"You're the end of the rainbow, my pot of gold,

You're daddy's little girl to have and hold.

A precious gem is what you are,

You're mommy's bright and shining star.

You're the spirit of Christmas, my star on the tree,

You're the Easter bunny to mommy and me.

You're sugar you're spice, you're everything nice,

And you're daddy's little girl.

You're the end of the rainbow, my pot of gold,

You're daddy's little girl to have and hold.

A precious gem is what you are,

You're mommy's bright and shining star.

You're the treasure I cherish so sparkling and bright,

You were touched by the holy and beautiful light.

Like angels that sing a heavenly thing,

And you're daddy's little girl." (from "Daddy's Little Girl" by the Mills Brothers)

In my parents’ home are oil paintings of kittens and puppies, all dated in the late summer of 1965. They painted these because Mom was on bed rest during her pregnancy with me. My brothers have always told me I am spoiled, but I think they are quite mistaken. They’re just jealous because I didn’t get in trouble in school and kept my grades up. But then again, I am the youngest AND the only daughter; I do deserve some perks, right? I figure that’s my due because they wore Dad out. I just learned about how Dad used to play the Wedding March (I was 3 at the time?) and I’d walk around the parlor wearing a sheet for a veil and holding plastic flowers. He never forgot Valentines’ Day; he would always have two heart-shaped boxes of chocolate, one for mom, and one for me; the loves of his life.

"Let us cling together as the years go by

Oh my love, my love

In the quiet of the night

Let our candle always burn

Let us never lose the lessons we have learned." (from Teo Torriatte" by Queen)

Some of the best memories are the times we had a lesson to learn. My dad taught me to ride a bike (after running into a rose bush) as well as how to drive. Well, I didn’t pick up the habits he had when he used to drive a taxi in NYC. He used to chase cars that went below the speed limit; I asked, “What are you going to do when you catch him?” Luckily, we never had to find out. We learned how to paint our houses and how important it is to take care of those brushes. We learned how important it is to keep a household calendar – everything’s listed on there. We also learned which topics to avoid when talking to him: politics and religion. Nothing got him going more than ranting about the nitwits in Washington. He had his opinions on many things, and was never afraid of tell you about them. He was right most of the time.

"Thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing

Thanks for all the joy they're bringing

Who can live without it, I ask in all honesty

What would life be?

Without a song or a dance what are we?

So I say thank you for the music

For giving it to me" (from "Thank You for the Music" by ABBA)

Dad’s the main reason that music is part of my life – and of my brothers’ lives as well. In addition to singing, we all play instruments such as guitar, flute, violin, harmonica, and bells. There was always music at my house, sometimes good, sometimes bad. He loved to play the organ, although his right hand played the melody, his left hand played only two chords. And when he made a mistake, he called it a “pa-CHANK” which indicated he was well aware that he’d made a mistake. Growing up, I remember the AM radio was always on playing those golden oldies, songs like “Moon River,” “More,” and “Never on a Sunday.” You could find him at all our concerts, performances, and even in church, just to hear us making music. Recently he’d discovered that you could play music on TV (thank you, FIOS). He loved to hear his kids sing and play music, and a few weeks before he passed away, he was dancing around the living room with a baby my sister-in-law was watching. Music has always been a part of our lives, and we have both mom and dad to thank for that.

"Is this the little girl I carried,

Is this the little boy at play?

I don't remember growing older,

When did they?

When did she get to be a beauty?

When did he grow to be so tall?

Wasn't it yesterday when they were small?

Sunrise, sunset; sunrise, sunset

Swiftly flow the days.

Seedlings turn overnight to sunflowers,

Blossoming even as we gaze." ("Sunrise, Sunset" from Fiddler on the Roof)

My dad and I sang this song together for the father-daughter dance at my wedding. When most people are just dancing together, there we were, singing at the tops of our lungs. Earlier at the wedding when my dad walked me down the aisle, my brother saw the expression on Dad’s face and told me, “That was the face of a broken man.” He felt that he was losing his little girl.

"Did you ever know that you're my hero?

You're everything I wish I could be.

I could fly higher than an eagle,

'cause you are the wind beneath my wings." (from "Wind Beneath My Wings" by Bette Middler

Heroes are people who make a profound impact on your life, and dad certainly earned that title. He would come and rescue me whenever I was stranded on the road, and fixed things around the house as soon as they broken. He provided the foundation for everything I am; teacher, wife, mother (in my wedding video: “Please, give us grandchildren” he says). He encouraged me to go to college, although he always wanted me to go into “business.” I tried it, but it wasn’t for me. He encouraged all of us to find our own paths in life, and to be proud of our accomplishments. You could always depend on him when you needed help; he babysat, dog-sat, changed tires, gave free advice, whatever was asked of him.

"In the wind we hear their laughter

In the rain we see their tears

Hear their heartbeat

We hear their heartbeat" (from "Mothers of the Disappeared" by U2

He was fiercely proud of all his grandkids and great-grandkids. He was excited as they celebrated; he hurt when they hurt and would do anything he could for them. He loved when they came to visit and spoiled them with sweets or little toys and would talk about them to everyone he came in contact with. The folks at the bowling alley, grocery store, doctor’s office – they all knew about Greg’s grandchildren because family was the most important thing in his life.

"If we took a holiday

Took some time to celebrate

Just one day out of life

It would be, it would be so nice" (From "Celebration" by Madonna)

Dad absolutely loved family get-togethers and reunions. He loved the commotion of people laughing, music playing, and mom yelling for him to get out of the kitchen or else she wouldn’t prepare the food. Once we were all seated outside, he’d be the first to praise the food and the cook, and he’d make a fuss over how good everything was. Then the meal, conversation, and laughter would have to be followed by lemon meringue and coffee to be complete.

"Goodbye my friends, maybe forever

Goodbye my friends, the stars wait for me

Who knows where we shall meet again, if ever,

But time keeps flowing like a river (on and on) to the sea." (from "Time" by Alan Parsons' Project)

In addition to golf and bowling, he enjoyed fishing. I remember my first deep sea fishing trip with him on the Double Eagle. I don’t remember what we caught; I just remember the experience of going fishing with my dad. He went on fishing trips with my brothers, including the now-infamous trip to the Keys with my brother. Crabbing was another favorite of his; when I was dating my husband, I’d discovered HUGE blue crabs in the canal behind his apartment complex. So Dad and my brother came over, nets in hand, and walked along the canal scooping up these mutant crabs. Funny thing, though; he loved catching them, but wouldn’t eat them. He called it “fool’s food” because it was messy and took too long to get the meat out.

"My father's hair has turned to grey now. I never stopped to ask him why.

And all the things that he once treasured, I see them slowly drifting by. " ("Advance Guards" by Seals and Croft)

As he started getting older, we started to notice the changes in Dad. See, in our minds, our parents are the age we remember during the best times of our lives, which is usually when we’re growing up. Skin seems to change the most; liver spots, moles, and the Spanish affliction of skin tags. He found a solution to his thinning hair by wearing one of those baseball caps with fake hair on the top. He wore that thing everywhere, surely impressing and fooling all the ladies. Then he starting slowing down a bit, but not enough to stop him from doing the things he loved to do, like golfing, bowling, and yard work. The naps became more frequent; he’d sit down in his Archie Bunker recliner to “watch a little TV,” and then POOF he’d be out like a light. We knew it would only be a matter of time.

"If I could through myself

Set your spirit free

I'd lead your heart away

See you break, break away

Into the light

And to the day " (from "Bad" by U2)

A month earlier my brother had called me to tell me that Dad might have had a heart attack and was in the ER; my mind went blank and I felt numb. Is this it? I thought. When I got there, he was standing up beside the bed, signing his discharge papers. The ER doctors determined he was fine and released him. When he saw that all three of his kids showed up to the ER, he scolded us for wasting our time, but we could tell he was secretly pleased that we were all there. If Dad were going to go, we thought, he’d go when he was ready, on his own terms.

"I’m coming home

I’m coming home

tell the World I’m coming home

Let the rain wash away all the pain of yesterday

I know my kingdom awaits and they’ve forgiven my mistakes

I’m coming home, I’m coming home

tell the World I’m coming home." (from "I'm Coming Home" by J. Cole)

And now we’re left to pick up the shattered pieces of our hearts: we made sure that Mom was taken care of as he reminded us to do. His beloved little Shih-Tzu, Lady, was always looking out the window waiting for her master to come home. We sifted through the flotsam of his life, looking back through his history, trying to resolve whatever regrets we might still harbor. Did we call often enough? Did we remember to visit? Did we say “I love you” as much as we should have? I have learned a lesson throughout all of this, and it is this: Call more. Visit more. Say “I love you” more. Time is short, and we will never know how short it really is.

"When the years have done irreparable harm

I can see us walking slowly arm in arm,

Just like that couple on the corner do

‘Cause girl I will always be in love with you

When I look in your eyes, I still see that spark

Until the shadows fall, until the room grows dark

Then when I leave this earth I'll be with the angels standing

I'll be out there waiting for my true companion,

Just for my true companion." (from "True Companion" by Marc Cohn)