Memories Never Walk Away.

Initially, my first thoughts were of submitting this to the recent 'Dad challenge,' however there were three niggles I had with doing so.

1. That it was not going to be read nor was it even going to stand a chance of even placing in the runners up part.
2. That the competition was all about the good memories that you were either, experiencing, or the positive memories that you could recall of the past you had with your Dad.
3. Whilst thinking back through my family history whilst growing up, it caused some unwanted, negative mental health impressions to run amok through my head which (at the time) I had not been at all ready to start walking down that back road again with.

If you would be interested in reading a little more about these events that created some heavyweight family trauma back then, I've embedded this article here for you.

Suddenly thinking about writing it felt as though someone had simply scraped a knife across my skin, it hurt mentally, just replaying events in my mind over and over - they wouldn't stop.

I was only at the tender age of 10 years old when I experienced what was to be such a traumatic grief experience at that point in history. I was in the last few months of junior school and, looking back, my earlier years I really don't have much recollection due to my earlier childhood years prior to that point, as they had been complicated and blurred by invasive surgical operations, radiotherapy and, years of recovery from Cancer.

So, the two good memories I have are these. They may not be fantastically life-changing moments to many, but to me, they mean so much more.

• The month or two before I was due to transition to secondary school, my Dad proudly showed me my new school uniform, what I remember so happily was how he smiled so proudly at me, when I tried it on after he gave it to me.
• What I since found out later, it was to be the first and last time I would ever have the chance to do this, was the night I kissed him 'goodnight' before I slowly walked upstairs to go to bed, and he smiled at me, saying that he loved me and told me 'that I must never forget that.'

I seemed to feel somewhat strangely uneasy that night whilst lying in bed.

I didn't understand why.

I just couldn't shake the uneasy sensation from within my mind.

That something was going to happen. It was not going to be good either.

That family life was about to change.

FOREVER...

Eventually I did manage to find the tranquility of sleep but, upon waking the morning was a very different scenario for everyone.

The morning had a slow, sad progression to it. Noone even really said much to me, just that Ididn't need to rush to get up today, as I was going to have a day off school - ordinarily a day off school meant fun and relaxation, a chance to enjoy reading my favourite sci-fi and fantasy books, a welcome break away from the mental bullying that I was forever subjected to when in school.

So today, no school. But I needed to know why.

Something was not right that day.

But what?

The day was tense and my older sisters and brother were not their usual jovial and chatty selves.

My mum spent most of the day in bed... why... I never even saw her to speak to.

Towards the late afternoon, early evening, one of our closest family friends came to our home.

I was in the garden at the time, but I knew he had come in too, he never said a word to me.

I spun around, held out to him. He put his arms around me and...

I cried softly.

I did not know what else there was left to say or do.

I had figured it all out at the tender age of just 10.

Writing this sends shivers down me as they had done that day.

My Dad had died earlier that same morning, after committing suicide on his way to work in his car...

You see, I have little good memories tucked inside my head even now. It wouldn't have won the competition, and as I said earlier, thinking about writing this was hard to do.

Nobody ever said that growing up was ever easy.

Parents are there for you to ease that pain through those troubled times that come along.

But one of them was not there for me.

My Dad.

My memories of you will never die for as long as I shall remain upon this fragile Earth of ours.

Time for me to stop here now as the tears are slowly falling...

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