The funny stuff a kid with Autism says.
Some of the most brilliant people have Autism. This kid is not less than a genius. He's socially awkward and has trouble with social reciprocity. He does not understand vague or abstract concepts. He's 18 now and over the years I have kept up with the funniest things he's said. They have been dubbed "Masonisms". I hope you enjoy this (mostly) funny little bit of my life with Mason.
Malaria becomes dog becomes cat becomes we are all alone!
"Mason: Mom, make sure you never get malaria.
Me: Thanks for the advice son.
Ma: Do you know why dogs dig holes?
Me: Not sure, why do you think they dig holes?
Ma: Obviously to hide the bodies. Mom?
Ma: This cat always keeps its claws unsheathed.
Ma: Never get rid of a cat. They need us to survive.
Me: You're very insightful tonight.
Ma: Hey, mom, where'd everyone go?
Just Google It:
I asked Mason what Yol (his cat) was doing.
Me: What the heck does that mean?
Ma: Oh, come on mom, you're kidding, right?
Me: No, what is it?
Mason: Look it up mom. Google it.
Then he laughed at me for a long time in an evil laugh.
When he's smarter than an "unnamed adult":
M: “Unnamed adult” just went “I forgot” is not an excuse, grown people should know not to forget things.
M: Well, first of all, I’m not a grown up, and does she not understand how the concept of forgetting works?
Preventing Blood Clots:
M: Mom, do you know what I'm drinking?
M: 100% Cherry juice. It's good for preventing blood clots. I don't have any clots, though. I'm being proactive.
Me: Hmm that's a good thing. If you had blood clots...
(he cut me off)
M: Like the ones that get lose and go straight to your brain.
Me: An aneurysm.
M: Yeah, how'd you know that? Do you have one? Oh, by the way mom, HOW was YOUR day?
Me: All of a sudden it feels odd.
M: Drink the juice mom. Clots.
I got an email from Mason’s teacher about his library book. It was in my truck for 2 weeks. Mason mentioned that he needed to find it.
Ma: I need to be more responsible, mom.
Me: True and I can help him with that.
This morning he put the book in his backpack.
Ma: Day one, more responsible. I'm not sure how day two will go.
Back up Batteries and People
Me: Mason, are you glad that it's quiet now?
Ma: Yes, and I need batteries.
Me: I just gave you new batteries.
Ma: Yes, but those will go dead. I need backup batteries. And tell all of these "people" that if they see unopened batteries in my room that they are backup batteries and not to open them.
Me: Okay, but ~
Ma: But nothing. Backup, mom, backup.
Me: Yes, son.
Mason: (points to his eyes and then to me) I'm watching you, mom, I'm watching you.
Me: thinking I should be afraid...
He'd Save Me!
Ma: I'm not a physician or a scientist, but I wish I were. I'd invent one drop that would cure neuropathy, diabetes, and Crohn's.
Me: why only one drop? A lot of people need it.
Ma: because I only care about you getting better.
Dang, son. Break your momma down.
Is Kinko's a strip club?
Me: We gotta go to Kinko's so I can print something.
Ma: What? Isn't that like a strip club?
Dunkin' Donuts is a trick.
Ma: it's a good thing they brought Dunkin' Donuts to Tyler.
Ma: have you tried the "chunk of diabetes"?
Me: um, no?
Ma: it's a donut stuffed with cheesecake and oreos. Don't do it, mom. It's a trick.
Ma: there is a funnier dialogue option for this situation, but I'll save it for later. I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Me: did he just say he'd make fun of me later??
I'm still confused.
Ma: So, how did your doctor appointment go?
Me: ah, well, it went. They told me about some things to do to make me feel better, some things I can and can't eat.
Ma: scientists have come up with a theory that red light can cure some skin conditions. Like that rosacea I had. Bet it would have helped. Do you remember that mom? You know I have to get a bunch of shots this next year. I hate shots. They are never fun. Do you remember when a nurse jabbed James (his brother) with a needle. (Laughed a little). That had to suck.
Ma: oh, yeah, mom, also do you know that there is something called "sleeping beauty syndrome"? People sleep for days or months without waking up. Thank God I don't have that. They say people sleep through birthdays and wake up without knowing their age. Wonder what they do for nutrients? Probably give them an i.v. that would be horrible. Wake up, ask what day it is. Tuesday. Dang, I'm late for work. Then find out it has been 2 years. Then, to only realize that you're probably fired. Yeah, that would be horrible. OK, talk to you later mom, I'm going to play Fable 3.
Me: ok, son, thanks for asking...
Ma: (already out the door)
Me: (realized I only said one sentence in this brief yet informative conversation)
Shaking my head...
da Vinci da man!
After talking about da Vinci, Mason found a print of the Mona Lisa at a yard sale. Unlike him, he began telling her facts about da Vinci. He then said, "I'd like to own this painting." She told him she had more of the pictures by da Vinci. He told her he was going to get a job and buy them all. We left, with his prize and he said "wow, it feels great to own a nice piece of art." He's shown it to everyone. He's so proud. He said, "I can't wait to show this to James." Man, he's such a blessing.
His prized possession!
Oh. Em. Geeee. Boy genius is at it again. I changed my Google account password because I was getting YouTube updates on videos about cats. I love cats. Mason, however, is fairly addicted to cats and knows odd facts about specific cat breeds.
So, he figured out my password again (I still to this day cannot keep a password private, he figures them out) and I got some hilarious comments on a video of a cat playing on a frozen pond.
Someone said "I prefur dogs too cats."
Mason responded (under my Google acct, ugh) "most people that speak or type use proper grammar. It is a fact that there are more people that own cats. You can look that up if you'd like. Then the guy says, "cats spread diseases".
Mason, in all his smartness, replied "so do uneducated humans. " Oh my, I'm gonna get banned from YouTube.
Not one feeling was hurt.
We saw a memorial at an accident site. There were worn down teddy bears, dried up flowers, deflated helium balloons, etc.
Ma: That’s odd. Celebrating a crash? Memorializing a crash? Do they realize that’s also littering?
Me: Well, it’s for the family.
Ma: Isn’t that what the funeral is for?
Me: Well, ya got a point.
I know nothing.
Mason: Mom, you don't even understand the physics of cats.
Mason: I knew it. I knew it all along.
Serious Hippo Problems.
Mason: Mom, I have something to talk to you about. It's quite disturbing. You know that hippos eat people from time to time. Right?
Me: Yeah, I've heard of that.
Mason: Well, don't you see the problem with this?
Me: Well, the problem arises when humans try to befriend a hippo. So, my best advice is not to talk to hippos.
Mason: Be serious mom, this is a real issue. Here's a perfect example: why in the world would grown-ups make a little kid sing "I want a hippopotamus for Christmas". That's a bad ending. Then, the game hungry hippo. If That game were made more accurately, the little marbles would be little people. This is wrong on so many levels. They are just messing up their kids’ relationships with reality. Mom, I'm glad you tell me the way things are, and that you'd think it would probably be worse if the little marbles were poodles, because you love poodles more than you love some humans. That's why you're a pretty cool mom. Mostly.
Me: <too much info must sleep>
How was YOUR day?
Ma: Mom, how was YOUR day? (This is a standard question asked every time he gets into my car).
Me: I'm ok, just got a little headache.
Mason runs off. Runs back in.
M: Here, Mom. Drink the water. I put 4 cubes of ice in it, that should make it cold. Studies show that usually headaches are because you're dehydrated. Drink the water.
Then he ran off again. I turned over and it was almost a gallon of water, with 4 cubes of ice. Hope he doesn't come back before I can pour some out...
He really is a kind, thoughtful kid most of the time.
Facebook and Cancer
Ma: Mom, I thought about changing your Facebook settings. Where only you can see your posts, no one would like your posts and you'd wonder why everyone hated you. But that'd just anger you, So I thought better. You have cancer, I'm not tricking you anymore. Like changing your email passwords and stuff. I've decided to do better. I don't like many people, but you're one I do, so I'll just keep it that way. (I cried after that)
No mo' pillow pets!
Ma: Mom, you know I don't want that pillow pet. I didn't want it when you got it for me on valentine’s day. I think you should probably take it back.
Me: No, mason, we can't it has been to long they won't let you return something you've had for months.
Mason: Well that rule is about to change because I DO NOT WANT A PILLOW PET (yelling).
Me: We should just give it away. It's new. Somebody will love it.
Mason: No, mom. No! That's not acceptable for solving the problem. I will just keep it then. God, all these rules.
Me: Ok that works, too.
Mason: Just don't ever mention it again.
Five minutes later he's asleep on it.
Side note: Later that same month he asked for a pillow pet for his pillow pet.
There should be a mod for that!
Ma: Mom, this lock has 260 possible combinations. I'll let you try to figure it out. Wait, wait, I'll do the first one. (Turns lock) Okay, you have 259 chances left. Oh, onto another subject. I wish Laci (his sister) was here. We could play <insert game title because I forgot what he said >. I've leveled up 70 times on two different <some type of character because again, I forgot>. She could use my help to level up. Also, I could get her mods. Wouldn't it be great if mods were real life? I mean, we could solve lots of problems. Need gas for the car? Oh, wait, I have a mod for that. Anyway, here. try this lock.
Million reasons why I love this kid.
Come on, Mom, I'm almost a man!
Mason is hilarious. We had a friend staying the night. He was in his room and heard a noise. He wasn't aware of what part of the house our visitor was in. He thought a stranger was in the house. He tiptoed out of his room, bravely, armed with a very small collectors’ sword. It is not worthy of cutting anything, but by golly he was protecting his family. I asked him if he was scared.. He said, "Come on, Mom, I'm almost a man." He was 8.
More on da Vinci!
Ma: I know about Leonardo da Vinci. I'm probably the only kid in my class that knows facts about him.
Me: Really, tell me about him.
Mason: He was pretty good at drawing, maybe better than you.
Me: I agree.
Mason: You're better at one thing.
Me: What's that?
Mason: Surviving. Because he's dead.
Me: (holding in laughter.. ) Well, if he were alive he'd be..
Mason: Like a thousand years old, but still dead.
Me: 😳. ?
Ma: Mom, someone played a horrible trick on me.
Me: What happened?
Ma: There are parental controls on my xbox, and some unknowns put a password on it.
Ma: Mom, you didn't really think that would work, did you?
Me: (hanging my head...)
Me: (walking away wondering if he figured out the pin to my debit card)
Ma: Mom, I always know passwords. Come on, you should know this.
I'm going to jail.
Ma: Mom, I accessed your Craigslist account and made a post. Just to let you know.
Ma: You heard me. I put an ad to sale a kid that annoys me. He breathes loud and makes me want to transfer schools.
Me: drops jaw..
I searched but can't find it.. I am sure it was flagged and I'm going to jail.
This is fitting.
Mason and I were driving home today. We had the windows down. We stopped at the light and this guy was singing loudly and horribly. Mason looked at me, looked right at him and rolled his window up. The guy turned up his music and sang louder. Mason said "That's the worst audition ever. He should definitely stay away from American Idol. Should I roll my window down and let him know?" Omg, no son! Use your filter...
Don't try to learn to swim in Lava.
Ma: Mom, don't worry about the lava mote in the front yard. It's a deterrent.
Me: To deter who?
Ma: Bad people, in general. But, advice, don't try to learn to swim now. I know. It's hard to be your age and afraid of water. But don't even try. Lava wouldn't be a good idea.
Me: Walking away in shame.
Mason wrote a paper for school, and at the end he wrote "fin".
Were her intentions true?
I found a letter that Mindi (his sister) wrote Mason on his first birthday. It was written in cursive which Mason can read but he says it makes him wobbly. So, I read it to him. (he also says that he sees everything like it's tinted red..) Anyway, I read him the letter. His response "Well, what do you know, Mindi can be a quite a competent and literate writer. She's either trying to trick us now or she got that from a book. So, either way I want to keep it. It's either really sweet or a bribery piece.
Ma: Mom, I got an award at school.
Me: Okay, great, I will put it in your memory box.
Ma: Sorry you can't, I fed it to a friend.
He's telling the truth and statistics will back it up.
Ma: After you get your doctorate there is a 40% chance that I will call you "Dr. Mom"
You've got a lot to learn.
Ma: Wow, living in Texas is so hot. We could dehydrate quickly if this car didn't have air conditioning.
Me: Yeah, we are lucky.
Ma: Very fortunate, mom. That's what you're supposed to say.
Me: Thanks for the lesson, son.
Mason: Anytime, mom. You've got a lot to learn.
Ma: Post my picture, Mom. This is when I used to be a cat.
Ma: I think Libbie (our dog) wants me to pet her.
Ma: Can you do it for me?
Wanna come out and play?
Someone knocked on the front door. I asked Mason to open it and see who it was. It was a kid that lived on our street. He asked Mason to come out to play. Mason shut the door in his face and walked to the kitchen and said, "Who does he think he is? I do not like to play with him, he should know that."
That was literally the first time the kid had tried to get Mason to play. Mason has a hard time making friends. We tried again and explained to him that he can't shut the door in his face. He said "Strangers, Mom."
I told Mason to greet a man that said hello to him as we were walking into a gas station.
Ma: Mom, I don't understand you at all.
Ma: You told me never to talk to strangers and now you want me to?
Me: Well, you're right, but if someone greets you, you should greet them back?
Ma: That doesn't make sense to me. Hi, total stranger. Hi back, total stranger. What's the point of "stranger danger" if you're going to expect me to greet everyone I pass?
Me: Well played little professor.
Amazon and braniac.
Ma: Mom, you might have an unrecognized charge on your card to Amazon. I have money but I don't have a card. Can I give you the money for the stuff I ordered?
I looked at my card activity. Amazon'd himself $749 worth of game skins and codes, power strips, duplicates, too. He had $11. He knew my password and literally ordered everything he could think to search for.
Amazon is now off limits, and he had to learn how cards work and making money works the hard way. He didn't get to keep it, but it's still hard to keep passwords private. He was 6.
Homeless and hungry.
Mason and I were parked by a pawn shop and frequent pit stop for homeless people in our neighborhood. A man walked up to my car, on Mason's side, and Mason slowly reached for the door lock. Click. The man tapped on the glass again. Mason looked at me and said, "Did he not hear the click?" I said I didn't know, but rolled the window halfway down and asked him if I could help him.
Immediately, Mason said, "Mom, why did you roll down the window? We don't know him." He was right, but I try to help others when I can. The man leaned in and said, "Do you have $6.48 and a cigarette? I haven't eaten in 11 days." Mason, before I could even respond said, "No, we do not have $6.48 or a cigarette, sorry." The man turned and walked away.
Mason looked at me and said "Mom, what are you thinking? If he has not eaten in 11 days, he'd be dead, and we don't supply cigarettes to anyone, ever., they cause cancer."
Everything is very literal to Mason. He tries to follow the rules that I have set for him, and then asks me to follow them, too. I guess I need to learn to practice what I preach.
Ma: Mom, I'm so glad you beat cancer. (He had googled the rates of recovery and treatments for the type of cancer I had). The statistics were not in your favor, bur somehow you did it. Now, finally, I can sleep at night. Don't get cancer again.
Me: Ok, I'll try not to.
Ma: I took care of you this time. You might be on your own the next time because I might be already grown up and moved away.
Me: Where are you going to move?
Ma: Where are we moving to and when?
Me: Nevermind. (laughing a little)
Ma: I never said I WAS moving. I said if you get cancer again, I might move.
Me: Got it!
You snooze, you lose.
Ma: Mom, I forgot to give you a kiss today.
Me: That's okay, give me a kiss now.
Ma: No, it's too late.
Ma: They didn't edit this one, so it looks more natural.
He was only 8 at the time:
Ma: Mom, we're about to have a mess on our hands. I'm serious.
Me: (thinking dang what now)
Ma: I'm about to enter my pre-teens. Literally. Do you think you can handle it?
Me: Oh, lord.
Ma: I know, right?
Mason.... gotta love him for thinking about my health.. He turned that in for his assignment. 💀 😆
Ma: Mom, where do I put this artery?
Me: What the heck?
Ma: Yeah, I downloaded virtual heart surgery. I need to know where this goes. I cut it, he's about to bleed out.
Me: Omg, Mason, that's creepy.
Ma: No, mom, it's not. I'm saving this poor old man.
Everyone knows about Gargoyle blood.
Ma: Mom, can i use your computer to find out where to get some blood to feed a gargoyle?
Me: Huh, you don't have a gargoyle.
Ma: MOM! Not a real gargoyle, they are made of stone, duh.
Me: Okay? What are you talking about?
Ma: G-A-M-E. Mom, I have to level up on my game. Ugh.
Me: How am I supposed to know that?
Mason walked off shaking his head.
Mason wrote this to describe himself.
Cunning, dreaming, caring
I’m the best me.
He is the best him!
I have not a word to say.
Ma: I'm guessing these are genetically engineered oranges.
Me: (don't know why but this kid leaves me speechless)
Masonisms evolved to a whole different level.
Mason, y’all! I had a zoom meeting today. I learned not to use someone else’s phone without checking things. My phone would not stay connected to wifi, so I borrowed Mason's phone.
So, in the zoom meeting, I chat “I’m here.”
A co-worker texts me: Midget with a bread roll?
Had to send this to my boss: I apologize I logged in with Mason’s phone and his screen name was "midget with a bread roll"... well, lesson learned, Mason and I had a long talk about this, and his screen name is now not something offensive!!
A random person texted Mason. The text was a group text about an upcoming family reunion. He replied to find out who it was. It was a black family.. Mason texts back “We’re white, but can we still come?”
I can't with this kid.