Love or Survival
Dedicated to my Unborn Child
Love. That four-letter word; a word that makes you sometimes wonder what is the true definition of it. Everyone has their own interpretation of love. Some people want to spend their lives in happiness with their true love, others use their “love” to survive in this world, using their love to gain something from others, often that lead to betrayal, deceit, and lies.
You often get lost in the middle of loving someone, you begin to lose yourself in the process; for love is like a drug and we all need that fix to cure our addiction. As a young girl, I believe the love I would find would be just like the movies in Disney princess stories. I would be whisked away by a prince in a white horse and I would receive my happily ever after. Or so I thought.
It was the spring of 2009, and I was just an innocent flower when I met him; he was 5’9, well built, tall and lanky, he eighteen and I sixteen. A friend request was sent on my Myspace page. We begin to speak; he begins to tell me how beautiful I was and wanted us to meet. I didn't have any experience with the opposite sex. I never really was interested in boys due to my insecurities about myself but I was intrigued by his words and poetic letters as we direct message one another. It turns out we go to the same high school.
I was excited to meet someone new and so was my best friend, who felt as I should have a significant other due to my lack of relationship experience. I never knew what it was like for someone to love you, my daddy left my mother when I was very young so seeing her in different relationships puzzled me. She was often abused physically and mentally, by them mainly. I asked her why one day and she said "it was because they love her" but was love supposed to hurt?
Slowly I began to change, I would do things I never thought I see myself do, I began to cut school for my love and skipped tennis practice for him. I was sending provocative pictures and something I would never think I ever done was give myself to him, I was deflowered as I willingly gave myself to my love. My body of a temple to whom I thought I would spend the rest of my life with.
Sure enough, he let me in his world. He introduced me to drugs like crack and weed and hardcore alcohol. I went from honor roll student to a soon to be a dropout, I was kicked off the tennis team and chess team for not showing up but I couldn’t care less, if he wasn’t in it, then why should I?
One day, before school began I wasn’t feeling well, the seasons went by and before I knew it, it was January, I was heaving in the toilet as I was feeling unwell, I didn’t think anything of it as I gathered my things and went off to school. I'll never forget that day in gym class where everyone gathered for sports or socializing with friends; yes I cut class once again but just as I was going to greet my first love, in his arm was a whole new girl and they were all over each other.
I was crushed and heartbroken. It was like everything stopped, wasn't he just with me last week? I couldn't take the chemistry of them both. I sat on the corner and cried my little heart out, I didn’t understand it, I was so confused. Was it something I did, we always hanged out outside of school, he claimed he wanted us to be kept secret, so why is he with this chick out in the open? I didn't understand it.
My best friend who had witnessed the whole fiasco yelled and cursed him out which cause a great scene, unlike her, I was reserved and meek, while she was vociferous and outgoing. I grabbed her arm before it got much worse for I was already humiliated and in tears.
I decided to give him a call and invite him over so we can speak, I apologized although I didn't know why I didn't do anything and surprisingly he agrees. Maybe this was a huge misunderstanding and we would be happy together once again.
In a little while, he arrived and the moment I opened the door, a giant “Whack” came at me in the face. I didn’t even see it coming. Another “Whack” was presented and then a punch and I fell slowly. I opened my eyes and there he was on top of me and continued beating me repeatedly.
I screamed and asked why, was this love? Did I do something wrong? He picked me up from my hair and dragged me to the living room. I looked up to him as he yelled, “You dumb bitch, why would you get your friend to humiliate me like that in front of everyone, you messed with the wrong person.”
He kicked and kicked and I felt like my insides couldn’t breathe. I was scared to death, my life was going to end at the hands of my love.
“You are good for nothing,” he screamed viciously.
“I didn’t do anything, I’m sorry, please stop hurting me,” I whimpered. I was growing in and out of consciousness.
“Don’t ever get near me, do you hear me, STAY AWAY FROM ME!” He finally stopped and walked out the door.
I cried and cried as I was in a fetal position, I couldn't breathe, and I couldn't think, I felt alone, my true love beats me and now doesn't want anything to do with me. I felt like a rowboat drifted in the sea to nowhere and lost as I just drift away.
I’m not sure how long it took for me to get up and get myself together, I lay there until nightfall and then thought about what happened, maybe it was my fault, maybe he beat me because I embarrassed him in front of everyone, well my sister did but I told her what happened which caused that situation. Maybe I can make it up to him.
The next day, I went to school and have hidden my bruises, I went to see my love but he was nowhere in sight all day, my best friend then came to me and stated that she saw him and the same woman from yesterday leaving school early together. She also explained that they appeared to be going out together as well.
I couldn't believe it, I felt like I was going to faint, after all, we been through together, I gave him my virginity, I gave him ME. I did things I didn't want to do for him.
The next couple of weeks were much horrible. I didn't want to accept that he met someone new but it was the truth. Every time I asked him, he said I was naive and he has forgiven me for embarrassing him after I apologize for what happened. We began to see each other privately all the while flaunting the new girl publicly. My best friend told me I was a fool to keep seeing him and it turned out she was right. She said he was using me and I was too blind to see it, in private he would continue beating me, sometimes with due cause other times because he felt like it. I stayed because I believe it was my fault in our so-called "relationship" and it just got worse. The bruises have gotten me questioned multiple times by people and then the gossip ran around the hallways. I simply said I had a fight with some girls around my neighborhood and walked away as nothing happened.
After not feeling well for a couple of weeks, I decided to take a pregnancy test. It turns out I was positive. Other girls might have been upset but I was elated. This baby was the key for us to be together. We would be happy again and he would get out of whatever spell the other woman placed in him. I met him at his house one day and told him the good news, we were finally going to be a family, we can be at peace together forever. But his face never smiled, he wasn't happy, he didn't grab me and spun me around and gave me a big smooch as I suspected but instead grabbed my hair and tossed me out into his front porch like an animal, and then slammed the door shut. I widened with shocked I couldn’t believe what happened. Before I could anything more he came out with a medal steel pole and proceed to hit me multiple times with it. This was unbelievable. I was scared for my like and my unborn child, how could you do something to the mother and her unborn.
I began to scream, I was scared to frighten, did I do something terrible, why on earth was he bashing me into existence. After the beating before I grow into unconsciousness, he uttered these words, “You’re going to abort this baby or I will kill your ass, I don’t want nothing to do with you,” he kicked me and stomped my stomach multiple times and finally said, "Get the hell off my porch." He closed the door and that was it.
I began to cry profusely, I cried like a baby having her toy taken away from her, I then felt blood flowing everywhere I lie on the street and grow into unconsciousness.
The next time I wake up, I’m lying in the hospital with an IV in my arm. A pedestrian has called 9-1-1 and alert the authorities. The doctor comes in sadly given me the news that my baby has died. I break down and sobbed horrendously. I wanted this all to be a nightmare. I wanted to wake up from this horror but this was real.
The next question was about my bruises, I simply said I got into a fight a couple of days prior, the doctors argued about the fresh new ones but I simply said I fell in the street. Of course, no one bought it and wanted me to file a police report but I said no. I was still in love with this man, after all, he's done.
Ashamed. Despondent. Crest-Fallen.
Depression became my new best friend. After I was sent home, I laid in my bed for the next coming days, I wasn't going to school because I was afraid, afraid of the love of my life, afraid of him flaunting the new woman. I wasn't eating anything, I’d just laid in my bed waiting for myself to die.
My best friend was worried about me, my mom wanted to know what was going on with me, but I just shrug simply saying I wasn’t feeling well. I was slowly withering away after the trauma I experience. Anybody can see I was gradually deteriorating.
For the next couple of months, I had to go through this trauma all by myself, I didn't speak to my mother or best friend, all the while seeing him all smug with the new girl. I went from a cheery, bright, happy go lucky student to a disconsolate, dispirited student. The months turned into a year where I remained mute by those around me, I felt as though everyone was an enemy, or maybe I was an enemy to them.
I no longer believed in love, I went from extrovert to introvert, I wouldn't speak to those around me unless I had too. Until that all change when I began to read.
A friend had given me a book to read one day, it was a story about a young man who had used people for his gain, he tricked them into loving him and then walked out their lives until tragedy struck for him. Double Dose by Melvin Robertson. I read it within two days, I was intrigued by the book so I read another one similar to it, then another, then another.
Soon enough during my year in high school, I read over 100 books, and within a year. Reading turned into writing; I began to write about my personal experiences, I wrote about my likes and dislikes and finally, here I am writing to you about my tale of trauma and slowly healing by writing.
After high school was over, I didn't hold any animosity over my 'love' or anyone for that matter, for I went to church to seek forgiveness for myself. I wrote a lot more and seek help, I had my best friend with me by my side, but she doesn't know about my unborn child who I greatly apologize to; in fact nobody knows. Today you would have been ten years old. If you hadn't passed, I would have given you the world. My mother would have been upset with me for having you so young but I would have love you either way. As I write to you with tears in my eyes, I apologize for not protecting you enough as a mother should. I should have told the police to lock the man away for hurting you so badly, so please forgive me but I was ashamed at myself.
The reason I am quiet today is that I have been hurt roughly and have dealt with it for the last couple of years, knowing pain doesn’t go away. After I have cut all ties with my ex, he continues to post threats and berate me to the point where I'm still afraid to speak. I am only beginning to as today; I am in a whole new relationship for the last three years, in a new college with good friends, and am still healing to this day.
So to my unborn child once again, don't ever think mommy doesn't love you because she does, she was a fool in love with the wrong person, it's funny how we lose ourselves in order to give our all to someone, just for the person to mishandle and toss us whenever we are no longer needed, but it's better to love yourself more each day. Where is your father now, how should I know? The last we talked he apologize for everything from years ago to now and has asked my best friend, who would have been your auntie, about my whereabouts. After that, he just disappeared.
Please don’t hold any malice on me, I‘m just now healing, I write every day, I think about you every night, I wish things would have been different. I am not sure if you can ever forgive me, if not this life, then maybe the next. I promise once we get together again, I’ll hug you and squeeze you and shower you with kisses.
Farewell, I love you, my unborn child.