Love Letters to Anne

I was nervous. My stomach felt like broken glass. I had sent the text. The first time there was no response. I had other numbers, so I went to the next one. I typed my text:

My name is Michael DeMarais. My name used to be Donald as an infant. It was changed when I was adopted. I was born in May of 1970. I believe we are related and that you are my mother. Please call or text me as I have health related questions. Thank you, I hope this finds you well.

I didn’t know what to expect, but I jumped anyway. This was everything. All in, for the win or loss, I was doing this and getting my answers one way or another. The longest night of my life. I tossed and turned and barely slept. What if she resents me for finding her? What if she didn’t want me and that’s why I was given away? What if I’m a child of rape? So many questions swirling around in a sandstorm in my head. A tornado in my stomach and a hurricane in my head. I was restless, but I sent it. This could be it…the beginning or the end.

My wife slept next to me soundly. How could I sleep? No one really knew what I was going through, no one in the family was aware that I was in such avid turmoil. I smoked a bowl of Kush and tried to relax. It just wasn’t happening.

I can’t explain the terror I felt. I would be destroyed if I wasn’t received well. I wasn’t looking to upend anyone’s life. I wasn’t looking to upend my life for that matter. But the questions drove me, and I was so close now. Like the night of the lottery drawing, that anticipation of the, “what if” factor was in play. I made a choice, and now that I had tipped the glass, it was going to spill because of my actions. I made a choice to jump. What if everything went right? What if they’ve been waiting for me? What if?

This was by far the longest night of my life. My wife at the time and I had discussed the possibilities. These all echoed in my head. All I wanted, all I needed were answers, surely, if I had the right number this time, she would give me the answers to my health questions. Just this, that’s all I hoped for. Answers to what I need to be aware of. Questions I could never answer in a doctor’s office. Maybe we could be in touch after awhile; maybe I had the wrong number again. Maybe the first text went to someone else, maybe it went to a landline maybe she got it and decided to ignore me…there was no telling. All these thoughts were swimming in my head. I have never had a blood family, and now, I was on the verge of completing my mission to find her, maybe find them all. I was on the verge of my answer to questions that had plagued me for my whole life.

I eventually fell into a disturbed sleep, tossing and turning, getting up to pace quietly in my room and stare into the comforting glow of my laptop. Looking up at the sky after I went outside to see the stars. What would she think of me, what would she say? These questions pounded in my head like a migraine gripping me and paralyzing me, but still I fought through all this fear, and terror. I jumped and was now in what felt like a freefall. A flat spin to crash into the Earth, obliterated by the impact of what would now happen in my life. It was too late, was I too impulsive? Should I have sent a letter? No, this was the best way, a non threatening text, with enough facts to verify who I was, who she would know me to be by the information I had provided. What have I done?

I was crashing into the life of a stranger, I was interrupting the life of someone who could potentially ruin me emotionally. What if I get rejected? What would that mean for me? I fell asleep again.

I was semi-awake, just laying there trying to get focused, the thoughts of the previous night on my mind, then the phone rings.

It was her. Now I was awake.