Lost and Found

Marcie put on her headphones and turned the music up. Tonight she didn’t want to think about anything, or to hear the regular, everyday noises her family would be making. Aunt Emma was arriving tomorrow from some foreign port, and Marcie knew she would not feel like listening to exotic stories of a journalism career, not now, when her own life felt like such a mess.

Out of the corner of her eye she saw someone flagging her down. She turned and pulled off the headphones.

“Mom, can’t you knock before you come in?”

“I did, honey, but your ears were too busy to hear.”

She couldn’t smile. “So, what do you want then?”

“I just wanted to see if everything was all right. You’ve been so quiet lately.”

“Of course everything’s all right. Why wouldn’t it be?”

“No reason.” Mom shrugged and then looked up as a new poster on the wall caught her eye. “Is that some new singer?”

“That’s Gwen Stephani, Mom. She’s been around awhile.”

“Oh. I guess I don’t keep up with these things.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“Well, if you feel like talking about anything, I’m here.”

“Yeah sure.” She turned away and replace her headphones, letting the music wash over her, pull her away. But it didn’t stop the tears that began to fall. What’s wrong with me? I don’t mean to be like that. I never used to be that way. I hate to talk like that to Mom. She’s just trying to help. She knows something’s wrong. But she’d never understand. No one could.

She wiped the tears away and took off her headphones. Then she went to her jewelry box and took from it a gold filigree antique necklace – the one her Dad had given her for her sixteenth birthday. She fingered it gently, feeling the intricate pattern, and then took it with her out into the hall where she picked up the phone and dialed her best friend’s number.

“Hi Lisa. What’s up?”

“Not much Marce. Do you want to come over for awhile?”

“No, not tonight. I’ve got a lot of stuff to do. But I have something for you. I’ll give it to you at school tomorrow.”

“What is it?”

“It’s a surprise. Don’t spoil it. It’s just because we’ve been good friends and everything. fI hope you’ll like it and always remember me when you wear it.”

“Remember you?”

“You know, think of me.”

There was a silence on Lisa’s end of the line. Then, “Are you all right?”

“I wish people would quit asking me that. Can’t I give my best friend a present without there being something wrong?”

“It’s just that you’ve been acting kind of funny lately. Kind of, I don’t know, sad or hurting or something.”

Marcie was relieved that Lisa had noticed. But something inside stopped her from telling her how she felt. She felt so distant, so far from everything that used to be important to her. Even her best friend couldn’t possibly understand that. Probably nobody could. Marcie had never felt so alone.

“No Lisa, I’m all right. It’s just, you know, things.”

“Well, I think you took it harder than you let on when Dan broke up with you.”

“He didn’t break up with me. It was mutual.”

“Well sue, that’s what I meant. But it’s still a hard thing to go through.”

“Well never mind. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

As she passed her Mom’s bedroom, she caught sight of her popping some pills into her mouth and downing them with a glass of beer. Marcie shook her head in exasperation.

She nestled the necklace carefully in some cotton and placed it gently in a small box. Then she wrapped it and placed a yellow bow on the top. She held it up to admire it, but something wasn’t right and she ripped the wrapping off angrily.

She was still thinking about the last thing Lisa had said. Sure it was hard when she and Dan broke up. Of course it was mutual. Just because he was captain of the football team didn’t mean she had to go out with him forever. She was getting kind of tired of him and had thought maybe it was time to move on. And there was a basketball player she sort of had her eye on. Of course, he didn’t know she was alive yet. But he would. There was time…

But in her heart, Marcie felt that there was no time. Lisa had been right. Even though she’d been questioning her relationship with Dan, she had felt dumped and rejected when he broke up with her, just the same way she had felt when her Dad left. Yes, she admitted it, he had broken up with her. She stood in front of her full-length mirror and looked at herself.

Disgusting, she thought. I am really disgusting. I’m getting to be as fat as a pig. And my face is always covered with zits and I wear glasses. Face it, I’m ugly. No wonder no one wants to be with me.

She couldn’t stop the tears, as happened more and more often lately. She threw herself down on her bed and tried to muffle the sobs with her pillow. Things were just no good anymore. When she was younger, everything had been fine, but ever since she’d started high school, and especially ever since the divorce, things had started going downhill and hadn’t stopped. She had thought high school would be wonderful – boyfriends, dating, parties, football games. But it hadn’t been like that at all, although she had kept up the pretenses. Now she felt she’d been living a lie. I’m not popular. I had Dan for awhile but now that’s gone. That basketball player will never notice such an ugly blimp is even alive. And nobody seems to understand me any more. Suddenly I’m a freak. I can’t even understand myself. Somebody please help me. I can’t go on like this anymore. I don’t know what to do.

The next day finally arrived after what seemed a very long and sleepless night. Friday morning at last.

Marcie got ready for school and rewrapped the package for Lisa four times before she finally got it right. She smiled at her family, she smiled at her friends, but she knew she was only going through the motions. She was empty inside and nobody but her could tell. She felt like she was trapped in a science fiction movie where everything around her looked like her world, but really wasn’t. She was an alien set down in a lookalike world, and she was just playacting, because none of this was real. It was all just a bad dream and she would wake up soon and everything would be back to normal again. Whatever “normal” was. She couldn’t remember anymore, and then she wondered if she’d ever really known.

When she gave Lisa the brightly-colored box she said, “Don’t open it yet, okay? I don’t want you to open it until after…after…after the weekend.”

“Why?”

“Just because, that’s why. It’s just better that way.”

“Well okay, if that’s what you want.”

And Marcie had walked away, leaving Lisa watching after her, looking confused and a little scared.

Marcie felt as if something were about to happen to change everything. She wasn’t sure yet what it was, but she knew it would end all her pain and confusion, and she would be left peaceful and unafraid. And whatever it was, it was coming soon. She had a vague feeling about it that didn’t seem to focus on anything. The only thing she was really aware of thinking was, I hope while Aunt Emma’s here, we don’t have to do a lot of family stuff. I can’t handle family stuff right now. My mouth already aches too much from this stupid pasted-on smile.

In English Lit they were studying “Romeo and Juliet”. Marcie felt cynical of all the love and sacrifice. Nobody could ever feel that way about me. I’m not worth it.

The teacher’s voice began to fade into the distance as the idea nudged her at first and then pushed and shoved and finally caught hold. The death scene of Juliet. She was calm and peaceful and she knew everything would be all right. She was mourned and missed and grieved over. Everyone adored the fair Juliet. And suddenly Marcie focused on the vague feelings she had been having.

She could kill herself too. It would be so easy, even pleasant. How should she do it? She didn’t want anything messy or bloody. That would make her sick and she’d probably never have the nerve to do it. Then she knew – she would do what Juliet had done. Mom had millions of different pills in her room. In fact, it looked like a pharmacy in there. She would find something that would just gently, quietly, peacefully put her to sleep, and then it would be all over. No more pain, no more tears.

She moved through the rest of the school day in a dream, making plans to free herself from confusion. For the first time since she could remember, she felt happy and she had something to look forward to.

She came quietly into the house and heard voices coming from the kitchen. They sounded upset, even angry and Marcie stopped at the foot of the stairs to listen.

“Don’t you think it’s time to stop this running around the world and settle down?”

“If I felt it was, then that’s what I’d do.”

“You never did know what was best for you.”

There was a momentary silence and then Aunt Emma said quietly, evenly, “You know Ruthie, I’ve never had the nerve to say this to you before, and I think it’s about time I did. You’re my big sister and I’ve tried my whole life to win your approval. But I never seemed to be good enough.”

“What are you talking about? You were always better than good enough.”

“Well you sure pick some strange ways of showing that.”

“I’ve always been proud of you.”

Emma’s voice rose then. “When? When have you ever been proud of me? All you ever tell me is how I don’t measure up to your expectations.”

“I never said any such thing.”

“You just did Ruthie. You think it’s time for me to change my lifestyle. Doesn’t it ever matter to you what I want? Do you never stop tot hink that maybe I have the right to make the decisions in my life?”

“Of course I do.”

“And you’re very wrong about one thing. I generally always know what’s best for me. You always think you know what’s right for everybody. You never give people the respect that’s due them. Ruthie, you never listen.”

“I listen.”

“No. You talk. You don’t listen.”

“I listen to everybody.”

“Do you? How can you hear anything when you walk around like a zombie from all the pills and alcohol you eat?”

“I need those pills to relax me. Ever since the divorce, I’ve been a wreck.”

“You’ve been a wreck? What about your kids? What have you been doing for them?”

“What?”

“Yeah, your kids. Remember them? The ones who need you more than ever right now? Why don’t you flush all those pills down the toilet before they destroy you and your whole family? It’s time to quit being so selfish and get on with life.”

That was the last thing Marcie heard before she closed her bedroom door. She was happy to hear Aunt Emma tell Mom off that way, but she was scared too. Life was so shaken up lately, everything seemed upside down.

There was a knock at the door and she felt her heart sink. She didn’t feel like dealing with anyone right now.

But Aunt Emma was happy to see her. “It’s been longer than I realized. You’re almost a grown woman now.”

“Yeah, I guess it has been awhile.”

“So, how are things? I guess we have a lot of catching up to do.”

“Well, not much goes on in my life. It wouldn’t take long to catch you up.”

Aunt Emma was admiring the new poster. “You’re a Gwen fan, huh? I interviewed her once. What a fascinating woman.”

Marcie’s eyes opened wide. “You actually met her? What’s she like?”

“She’s the kind of person you’d want for a friend. She really cares about others.”

“That’s what I thought. I always figured she’d probably understand anything you had to tell her and she wouldn’t judge me or criticize, but she’d always know the right thing to do.”

“Yeah, I know what you mean. Everyone needs someone like that. When I was fourteen and the world and I didn’t understand each other, I used to look at my Beatles’ pictures plastered all over my walls and think, ‘Now there’s four guys who could make everything all right.’ And sometimes thinking that helped me through some tough days. But in other ways, I think it hurt me.”

“Why?”

“Because they weren’t real people. Not in my life anyway. There are real people who care and who want to listen. It’s just that sometimes they’re so hard to find, and other times they’re hard to recognize even when they’re standing right in front of you.”

“Sometimes I think no one could understand what I feel at all.”

“You’d be surprised what other people can understand if you give them a chance.”

“Maybe I’ve given too many people too many chances and it’s too late now.”

“It’s never too late ."