Losing You

St.Lucia is a lovely island in the caribbean.I was brought up in St.Lucia and it was the best part of my life. I Built friendships, had trips to the seaside, ate delicious food, got married and had continuous love from my grandparents.

St.Lucia presently is the worst place I could ever think of.

Up until the 18th of May 2018, I had never experienced trauma.

I received a phone call that went like this, ‘Hello, Is this Carlene?’ I remember my reaction being so happy,I guessed it was probably a relative or person that wished to say hello. Sadly, I was mistaken.

The male voice on the other end of the phone said this -‘Hi, I’m just phoning to let you know that your grandma and grandad have been attacked with a machete in their home and are on their way to the hospital, the ambulance has just left.’

I stayed silent for a few moments. I was in a panic. I couldn’t move and my heart was thumping so rapidly. I don't have any recollection of how the conversation ended. As heartless as this sounds an I wish this on no one, but I just hoped this wasn’t about my grandparents.

I had to gather myself to contact my mum and uncle to inform them what has tragically happened to their parents. I wish i didnt have to be the bearer of bad news. I still remember my entire body feeling impassive. I had to find the strength within. The pain I felt in that moment ill never be able to express.

Immediately flights were booked from London to Saint Lucia. My mother, daughter an I prayed together that grandma and grandad will hold on and remain strong. The flight to Saint Lucia was taking a lifetime. Landing and getting through customs appeared to take even longer. I didn’t even care about my belongings, we just needed to get to the hospital. Everything seemed to move in slow motion. I just wanted to scream.

Reaching the hospital was sickening. There were family, friends and strangers wanting to know what has occurred and if my grandparents were doing well. I felt like telling these people to leave, who do we trust if the person who attacked them was still out there?

Finally I saw my grandma and grandad, the state they were in was heartbreaking. I wished at that moment to make all their misery and pain go away. I wanted to find whoever did this and ask them why? Why such a senseless act? Why did they have so much rage in them too do this to an elderly couple? They never harmed anyone, they always had love in their hearts but their society didn’t always recognise love.

This visit to the hospital was where my mind couldn’t handle any of what was to come. We sang to grandad, we reminded him that granny was ok and all will be well. He seemed to scratch my hand the more I spoke about granny. I find to this day, that was his way of asking me to bring her to see him.

I talked to grandad and he kept on scratching my hands, he wanted to express something but could not get the words out due to him being unable to talk. To see grandad someone who used to be such a talkative soul was now incapable of saying anything. All of this has become a haze of darkness. Visitation periods were over and the journey past our family home didn’t feel right. A crime scene is what I could observe.I no longer had this vision of me running around as a kid and my grandparents warning me to slow down or hearing them warning me that i may injure myself. All I could see was police tape and strangers surrounding our home.

I caught a glimpse of my grandparents together, in sickness and in health were the oaths I saw before me. 49 years of devotion and union. Granny soothed him and told him to be strong. He was so calm when she held his hand and i sensed the feeling of comfort in the room. Granny said to let him sleep and we to took her back to her ward. I glanced back and he was peacefully sleeping but not looking anything like the grandad I knew.

I remember clear as day,my mum came running to my grandma’s hospital room and I could see on her face something wasn’t at all right. We ran, only to hear the sound of the doctors attempting to save grandad’s life. Forty-one minutes of standing outside a door anxiously, hearing the sound of every machine. The doctor unlocked the door and I just knew from the expression on his face, grandad had succumbed. I couldn’t stand there to hear him tell me this. I wandered staring aimlessly at everyone becoming unsettled. A million emotions running through my head.

In this moment i knew life will never be the same. I, however, feel grandads presence every day and I know he will forever protect me but this hurts too much, I just want him to come back. Come back and make us all laugh again. Come back and cook us lovely dinner’s for granny to tell you there’s not enough salt in it, come back and give me advice.

It's heartbreaking to see a man who gave so much to this world had his life taken away. No one deserves to be murdered. One day I pray we will know who did this and justice will be served.

My hero is gone. I will never be able to get him back. Oh, grandad how we cherish you and miss you. I miss your dancing and your silly ways. Most greatly the way you protected your family and the love you exhibited. A businessman who was so gifted and giving to his community, I mean why you? I always knew that when loss came it would hurt but not like this, it was never supposed to be like this.

From now until forever, I love you grandad.