Loosing Yourself To Motherhood

One of the ultimate joys as a mother is getting to see the little people that you created and nurtured develop their own sense of self and independence. You give them everything of yourself in the hope they will grow up into well rounded, decent people. For me, it is an honour to have the chance to do this and I fully appreciate just how lucky I am that I have this opportunity.

But then you have the other side of the coin. The relentlessness. From the moment you bring that child home, you don't have time to take in the enormity of what is happening. You are thrown right into the sleepless nights, the dirty nappies, the crying and the figuring out what on earth this little person needs.

As you put more and more of yourself into your child you can slowly feel your sense of self slip away. The care free, fun loving woman you once were is replaced by an exhausted, emotional shell just trying to get through the day. Suddenly, instead of having your own identity you are someone’s mum.

Day after day you give that little bit more and sometimes you don’t even know where it’s coming from. You feel drained, touched out and constantly grumpy. This idea of motherhood isn’t how you thought it would be.

Then you get the guilt. Why do I feel like this? Why can’t I enjoy being a mother? Everyone tells you to cherish every minute, you won’t get this time back and it goes so quickly. The guilt sky rockets as you feel like you’re doing a bad job for not enjoying your child.

But how can you be expected to enjoy every little moment when you are so tired your eyes feel like you could close them for a week, your body aches from carrying around a little weight that is getting heavier by the day and your brain is constantly trying to figure out what your child needs. Not to mention the doubt of every little decision you make and that inner voice convincing you that you have got it all wrong.

It is beyond exhausting!

Those first few years are definitely a culture shock and that feeling that you have lost yourself is completely valid with all the different experiences you have had to go through.

I felt so lost in the process of motherhood that I worried that I wouldn’t come out the otherside. Along with everything else I had to think about I would question what would happen to me. Eventually, these little people would grow up and I wouldn’t be needed as much. What would be left of me?

Throw in a global pandemic and not being able to have outside connections and I felt at my lowest. In those first few years it is so important to have family and friends around you to remind you that you are more than a mother. You are important too. Your mental health is important. Your sense of self worth is important.

I am now five and a half years into my motherhood journey and I feel in a much better place. I found a way back to finding myself. Writing has been a pipe dream for a long time and it has allowed me to re-establish my sense of self worth. With the nights becoming a lot easier to handle and the needs of the children being more easily communicated I feel a little more like me again.

Feeling lost and alone can be a scary place to be. My best advice is to keep talking. Letting loved ones know that I was struggling lightened the load, finding people going through the same stage of life as me showed me that I wasn’t alone and making time for myself whenever I had the chance gave me that extra bit of energy to keep going.

Motherhood is one hell of a ride. You learn a lot about yourself over the years and it is worth the journey of self discovery. One day you will wake up and realise that you are so much more than a mother. You are strong. You are fearless. You are your own person. You are YOU.

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By Laura @a_life_more_understood

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Thank you for taking the time to have a read. Charlotte and Laura are extremely grateful for your continued support and hope that you are enjoying the content. Please do reach out on Instagram @mummabloommag