Little Black Note Book

I couldn’t believe it. I mean does anyone who is a pre-teen really understand that their parents are going to get divorced? Unless maybe there is possible major abuse, which in my family there was none. It was just, Dad, Mom and 11 year old clueless, me. I was just going along in life thinking everything was fine and then, bam, Mom said we are moving out. Moving out? What does that even mean? Moving out of the only house I’ve ever known. My childhood home. Away from my neighborhood, away from my school, away from my friends. Who does this!?!

So here we are on the “other side of town”. Whatever that means. To me, it meant leaving my beautiful, comfortable home, into a beat up old house. My home had light, this house had darkness; my home had space, this house had, well, ok, it had space, but weird space. Like tunnels and attics and crawl spaces. My home had happiness, didn’t it? I was happy. I thought I was happy, I thought Mom was happy. Dang, what did I even know?

So Mom and I moved our stuff into this crazy house. The move was tough. Saying goodbye to Dad was tough.. “It’s ok, kid, I’ll see you every Wednesday for dinner, and every other weekend.” “Yeah, sounds great, Dad.” (Sniff)

Mom was more upbeat. “You’re going to LOVE this new place, we are going to decorate it and renovate it by hand, just you and me, Love” “Yeah, sounds great, Mom” (sniff).

We started to settle in. It was the beginning of the summer. I decided to let her do most of the decorating and renovating, because, seriously, I’m 11. I explored the outside and when it was rainy, I explored the inside. Maybe this crazy old house wasn’t so weird. There were actual tunnels that led from room to room and weird little attic spaces that you could sit under and hear the rain beat on the roof. That was pretty cool. Then I found it. The little mysterious, black notebook. I should never have opened it.

It was old, really old. You could tell right away. It was small and dusty and looked almost fragile. At first I was afraid to even open it. Like it was magical. I don’t even know how to explain the feeling I got. It was summer but I got this strange chill once I touched it. I actually thought about putting it back right under the eave where I found it and never going to look for it again. But there was a pull, a magnetic pull that made me curious. What’s that saying ? Curiosity, killed the cat. I get that now.

So dumb me opens the book. It’s small but it has so many pages. An unbelievable amount of pages, now that I think about it. Too many to actually fit into the book, but somehow they all fit in there. The first page stated very carefully “In your hands, you possess power”. That’s it. Nothing else. Then I opened the first pages, I could barely read them, they seemed to all be written in a language from long, long ago. But they seemed like wishes or prayers. Each handwritten, each on a different page. When I got to the later part I noticed the language was more current but again wishes, and prayers. Please, let there be rain. Please, save baby Elizabeth. Please, help me find my favorite marble. All the same. Mostly boring things, until the last entry. Please, stop Daddy from touching me forever.

Well that one was weird but that was the last entry. To be honest, I thought it was kind of a cool little antique note book but nothing else but I also thought it didn’t belong getting dusty under some eaves in the attic. So I grabbed it and put it in my night table.

Summer continued. Mom renovated and decorated: Dad and I had dinner Wednesdays and I spent every other weekend there, which was weird, going back to my old room, but kids adapt. It was a pretty cool summer. I even made some new friends that would be going to my new school so I wasn’t as nervous about the first day.

About the last week of August, right before school started, we had a terrible hot spell. The days were bearable for me because I could swim and be outside but the nights were brutal. My mom couldn’t do any work around the house and was irritable and miserable. It was one of those scorching, unending heat cycles. One night as I was laying in bed and I couldn’t fall asleep I decided to read. I went into my nightstand to find a new book and I came across my little black note book. Just for fun I decided to write on a page. Please, let it cool down.

I must have immediately fallen asleep because the next thing I knew it was morning and 20 degrees cooler. I could smell pancakes cooking and my mom singing in the kitchen, it was like a whole new world. I briefly thought of what I had written in the little black note book the night before, but I passed it off as a coincident. Plus, I was having pancakes and my mom was happy! The rest of the summer was perfect.

School started up and I met new friends and decided my new house was pretty cool. I pretty much liked all my classes and my teachers. I wasn’t exactly popular which bothered me because in my last school, I was friends with everyone and was one of the most popular girls there. But at my new school, there was a girl named, Lisa, whom everyone adored. I really wanted to be part of her group but she basically had friends that she had known forever. I tried everything I could to get her to notice me, I wore the coolest clothes, styled my hair just right, even bribed the class with homemade cupcakes. Nothing worked. So one night, sitting at home I remembered my little black note book and decided to give it another try. Hey maybe it will work, like the weather. If not, what have I got to lose?

So, I write, Please, let me be in Lisa’s group.

The next day, Lisa came up to me and asked if I wanted to come to her birthday sleep over which was that weekend. Just like that. I was in and my little black note book was now my secret weapon.

Over the course of the year things progressed. Things were pretty good. Mom was happy. I was popular. My little black note book got me “A’s” when I didn’t study and a cute guy to give me a kiss.

Then my Dad found a girlfriend, Diana. Diana was only 10 years older than me. I couldn’t believe it. She made my mom sad even though my mom tried to hide it. I was now having dinner with my dad and Diana on Wednesdays and weekends with them. She wanted to do my hair and nails and have tea parties. She wanted to be my bestie.

Toward the end of the year, I went to my Dad and Diana’s for the weekend and noticed that my room was being changed into a nursery. They were going to have a baby they announced. I’m going to be a big sister. Isn’t that exciting? I can share the room with the baby. We can go baby shopping. Baby, baby, baby. Mom was crying without letting me know, but I could tell. My happy family really was over. I was so sad and mad. I didn’t want to be a big sister. I wanted my home and my life as it was. So I did what I will always regret: I wrote in my little black note book. Please, make the baby go away.

And Diana miscarried. I couldn’t believe it. Dad and she were devastated. I did that! I will never forgive myself. I put the little black note book away under the eaves forever. I became a big sister when I was 14 and I have never loved that little baby more than anything else in the whole world. And I hope no one ever finds that little black note book again.