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Listen to Your Grandmother and Mother?

Get knocked up but not married

By Dee Mae ElvaPublished 3 years ago 5 min read
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My grandma and I at great party

The women in my family are fiercely independent. The type of women who owned their own homes back when women didn’t own anything. They chopped their own wood, hauled the wood and started the fire. They were the women who protected their families during home invasions without a second thought to their own safety and left the would-be invaders running away from the 5’3” woman waving an axe, screaming “run, she’s insane”. The women who walked through 4 feet of snow to look for a straw for a dying relative who had cancer who couldn’t swallow in 1970 when straws weren’t found littering everything. These fiercely independent women who would protect their families yet be the most loving women when necessary.

I was brought up with the thought of “don’t get married, it’s not worth the hassle”. Being in a matriarchal family I didn’t really see the problem; I didn’t see the female/male interactions. I didn’t get the “hassle” or anything else of the interaction of matrimony. I was told “If you want a child go ahead and get knocked up and we will help you raise the child, you don’t need to get married”. I listened, I wanted a child, but in the confines of a marriage and only if I was married.

I dated, looking for the right man to fall in love with and eventually get married. I finally found “the one” and got married. I loved him, I thought he loved me, and I guess in his own way he did at the time. We did things in the “proper order” got married, bought a house, then I got pregnant. THen, two years later I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl.

I raised her and she was healthy and beautiful and doing everything as she should as she was growing. Notice the part I said “I” raised her. My husband though I was still married was never around, he didn’t have a job, but was never here. I was too absorbed with a beautiful newborn baby to really care. I was lucky enough to have a long maternity leave from work and was able to stay with my baby. The day I went back to work I cried so hard as I had to drop her off at daycare. My husband went back to college. Finally, he was doing something. I still was doing everything for my beautiful baby, but it was okay because at least I knew she was being taken care of correctly.

I should have listened I should have skipped the marriage part-now I have a lifetime of grief and pain with an ex-husband and must share my beautiful daughter. I had done everything for my daughter I raised her I did everything for 12 years and now he is getting all the credit for everything I did. I have debt because he spent too much money as I paid for him to go back to school as he did not work while we were married and just spent and spent and spent. My house was pretty much destroyed as he was “fixing things”, almost everything electronic or power was broken because he could not be gentle and broke everything. I was literally left with a mess. I had 5 weeks in a row 50-foot line of trash piled 6 foot high in addition to every trash can a neighbor would let me use filled. He literally trashed our marriage.

I am to blame no one in a divorce is blameless. When I met him I didn’t say “oh he’s so nice” or “he’s so smart”. I said, “he’s a healthy specimen”. Who says that!! I guess I was really looking for someone to breed with subconsciously. I don’t remember saying anything else to my mom after I met him except describing as a “healthy specimen”.

Consciously I thought I was looking for a partner a best friend a monogamous partner—he wasn’t.

So, in the end I ended up with my mom helping me raise my child. My grandma had passed away while I was pregnant. Thank goodness she went quickly, she would not fared well as being sickly. My now ex-husband was just as much help with my daughter as when we were married which was fine, I didn’t need his influence on my 6 year old daughter. My mom retired from work and moved in with us to help so I could go to work and not have to worry about daycare. My daughter loved having grandma here and bothering her all the time. Life was wonderful like this for a long time.

Then my ex got remarried his new wife couldn’t have children and never had children so to make “their” family complete he suddenly started picking up my daughter often instead of the once a month or several months that was usual. His wife also needed a playmate even though she’s almost 50 he will literally pick up his daughter because his wife is “bored”. His sudden interest has nothing to do with his love for his daughter but unfortunately, she thinks it is. So, it just adds to the hassle I would have avoided if I had listened to grandma and mom.

If I had just listened to the advice of grandma and mom and gotten pregnant with my “healthy specimen” and raised my baby by myself (which I did) by not getting married and allowed my mom to help me my life would have been so much simpler, I would have a lot more money and a lot less stress. Even so I am not so sure I would go back given the chance to change things. With the negatives I know who in my life I can depend on and even though life is difficult for me and my daughter right now doesn’t see things for what they really are, she will (I will not tell her, she will figure it out on her own and she will be hurt and we -my mom and I will be here to help her like the women in the family have always been) and we will both be stronger because of life events.

divorced
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About the Creator

Dee Mae Elva

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