Like One of My Own

Like One of My Own

Blended families aren’t a new concept. For as long as we’ve settled with partners to bear children, we’ve had blended families. Really, it’s become the norm for most kids to have a step-sibling, half-sibling, or adopted siblings. It’s critical to look at the way step-parents cooperate with biological parents.

In the last decade, the American people experienced a 39% divorce rate. Nearly 28% of all marriages are re-marriages. According to Pew Social Trends, 57% of all divorced or widowed individuals in the US remarry.

Beyond divorce and remarrying, there are other ways to build a blended family. For example, my family is polyamorous. It’s becoming a more mainstream concept being accepted by many communities. When we take on the companionship of a new partner, we also take on the responsibility of caring for and nurturing their children.

The Other Mother

I grew up with both parents in one house. I was one of only a handful of my peers to experience a two biological parent household. Even my elder siblings were involved with their second spouses and stepchildren when I was in middle school.

During my childhood, I witnessed bitter arguments, physical fights, and parents using their children as pawns in games of blackmail and negotiations. I swore up and down that I wouldn’t be the type of person who would come between a person and their child unless the child was in danger. I decided a long time before I had kids that when (see the confidence) I divorced or split from my children’s father, I would be “another mother,” not the “other mother.”

Another Mother

The concept of “another mother” blows people’s minds sometimes. The very idea of peaceful co-parenting is shrouded in doubt and anger. Clearly, someone who is being civil has malicious intent. With the prevalence of “Baby Mama Drama” and toxic monogamy, the idea that I can be not only considerate but friendly with my partner’s ex-wife is scoffed at and frowned upon.

Being friendly with the other parental units in a child’s life brings consistency and security that many children don’t experience. Celebrations, in-depth learning, and even discipline can be carried evenly between the households the child spends time in. When my step-daughter misbehaves or earns something special, I can communicate it with her mom when she goes home, and that experience can continue gracefully. Holidays are more comfortable when the family can gather without animosity and jealousy.

Polywogs

When my husband of 10 years and I decided to open our relationship to the practice of polyamory, I knew that it came with more complication and responsibility than just balancing more than one person. As a 30 something woman entering the dating pool after nearly 11 years, I knew that there was a high likelihood I’d match with another parent. It was important to me that whoever chose to date me knew that I came as a package with those children with two of my children, and that was a non-negotiable part of the deal.

I discovered that in most polyam communities, children of your partners are considered “polywogs”. Two years after we started our Polyam adventure, my husband’s second partner became pregnant. He is the father, and I vowed to him and her that I would treat that child with the love and respect that I’d give my child. The dedication I’d pour into this child’s older brothers would not be lacking when the baby was born.

Approximately a year after that, I began dating a wonderful guy with his youngest daughter’s weekend visitation. Throughout the summer, I became friends with his current partner and his ex-wife. I spent time with his daughter as if she were my child. I continue to take my responsibility to co-parent effectively for the best benefit of all the children involved very seriously.

Like One of My Own

Since that summer, I’ve become a homeschool teacher, daycare provider, bandaid sticker, hairstylist, chauffeur, and more to this charming Chaos Mage of a little girl that is an integral part of my household. I’m Mama Echo to a little boy who looks and acts like his brothers, with an entire layer of new personality traits. When my other partners have their kids, I’ll love them just as much. All of our meta’s and partners care and nurture our kids as though they were their own.

No matter how much drama the world cultivates to throw against us, if we can band together and raise our village kids like ones of our own, our world will be a better place. I may not always agree with the other parents in the polycule, but I will always strive to do what’s best for all the polywogs; I am Another Mother they can depend on.