LIFE SUCKS

Life sucks.

Understatement of the century, I know…but some days, that’s all I can say. Anything happier would be a lie, and anything worse, well…anything worse just makes people really hate being around you.

Today was supposed to be the day. I’d called everyone I loved, sorted out all legal matters, and made sure I’d found the perfect spot; an icy pond, out in the middle of nowhere.

It was the beginning of November. Though my breath created a thick fog, I was almost over heating; I wore my thickest parka, and a pair of newly purchased snow pants that were meant for arctic conditions; my boots were winterized and steel toe. Even if the ice wasn’t so thin, it probably would have strained under me even once totally frozen over.

I didn’t want to wait and test it though. Today was the day.

From my pocket I revealed the bottle of pills. Unfortunately, I was never given enough at a time for them to do the trick on their own, but, they’d numb me enough so I wouldn’t feel the pain when the water seeped through my clothes.

I downed the bottle, and swallowed them dry. At that point, I didn’t really care about discomfort in my throat.

I had no cell phone; no way for anyone to contact me, and no connection with anyone who would want to try to change my mind. Not that anybody would try…they all thought I had just left for my vacation to a remote village in the amazon. Nobody would miss me; at least not for a few days.

For the first time in a long time, I felt at peace. It would all be over soon. No more fake smiles, no more pretending to be okay, no more ignoring the fact that every day I opened my eyes I didn’t want to exist; I didn’t have to stress about work, or my family, or heartache ever again. Never again would anyone I love have to deal with my constant complaining, sadness, or ungratefulness. Honestly? It was just better for everyone.

I could feel the numbness beginning to start from the pills, and slowly stood up, taking a good stretch. The air smelled amazing, and everything around me seemed so much…clearer. There was such beauty in the way the tree branches were all iced over. What a gorgeous place to rest.

My first step on the ice caused a creaking sound, but nothing more. Good start; I had hoped to make it to the deep part before breaking through.

My second step however, was interrupted by the loud screech of a bird. While not something that I normally would have given the time of day to, I froze at the sound. It was…familiar almost?

I looked over to the tree where the sound came from, and sure enough, there was a bright, red cardinal in it, screeching, at the top of his lungs.

He was completely alone, and facing me.

Any other bird, I wouldn’t have even thought twice; any other bird, I never would have even stopped to look.

Cardinals, however, just happen to be my mother’s favourite bird.

This pissed me off. Everything was perfect…of all animals to show up, it’s a fucking cardinal?

It gave another shriek, and this time, flapped it’s wings in accentuation. It was still alone, still facing me.

I’ve always been one to look for signs from the universe. That’s part of what brought me to where I was; everything had lined up so perfectly, I knew it was the perfect moment. Now though…honestly, what were the odds?

I took an experimental step back, bringing myself back to the safety of the shore. Nothing. I took another step forward, and the bird omitted another shriek.

Okay… now I was convinced this had to be a set up.

I looked around with narrowed eyes, searching for the camera; instead, I saw something that felt like a punch in my gut. Was there actually a buck staring at me from the trees? Were those antlers, like in the collection my father, an avid hunter, had hanging on his wall?

At that moment, in my delirium, I genuinely believed that perhaps someone was playing a prank on me; but there was no one. Just me, the pond, and two animals that may or may not have actually been there.

I sank back on the snow bank, put my head in my hands, and allowed the tears to freely fall. This wasn’t fair; why did I have to have people that loved me? Why could this not be easier? Why couldn’t I have parents that didn’t give a damn?

How long I sat there, I don’t know. But eventually, the tears stopped, and despite the numbing effect the pills had on me, another feeling started bubbling up that I was all too familiar with; shame.

Who in their right mind, could be ungrateful for having two loving parents? How dare I dismiss their love so easily, like it’s a burden, rather than a gift? What was wrong with me? They deserved so much better.

For some reason, while this thought had entered my head on MANY occasions before that moment, this time something different clicked in my brain. Maybe it was the pills - or, nearly dying, probably - whatever it was, in that moment, I experienced such an existential switch of perspective.

My parents did deserve better than this. They had dedicated their lives, their finances, their souls to me; and this is how I was going to thank them? No. I didn’t think so.

I wiped my snotty nose on one of my gloves, and stood back up, this time with no intention of returning to the ice. Though death still seemed like a welcome embrace, I now knew I could never do that to my folks. After all they had done…was I really going to thank them by becoming a missing daughter? My plan was for no one to ever find me, but was that really better? And if they did find me…how would my parents ever survive such a phone call? Why would I even want them to?

No; I couldn’t do that. No matter what pain I felt, no matter what agonizing thoughts might run through my head, none of it could possibly compare to the pain of them losing their child.

The cardinal and deer were both gone. I still don’t know if I ever really saw them, or if I was hallucinating from the drugs; maybe my guardian angel came around, or God Himself came down to stop me from doing it,

Or, maybe I’m just fucking crazy.

Whatever the reason, I’m thankful. I’m beyond thankful. Life sucks, but it’s also wonderful. It’s filled with just as much love as it is pain; and if I want to feel one completely, then I suppose I have to feel the other as well. I’ll deal with it… I’ll feel it all. I’ll make my parents proud of me, and every day I’ll show them just how much I love them.

They will never, get that phone call.