Life After Loss

Normally I don't do the whole "trigger warning" thing but... this article contains a link to the CDC website. The linked page contains facts on a birth defect that affected my family. the link image shows a depiction (not real) of what the birth defect looks like and can be upsetting.

Rainbow Baby

Historically a rainbow was a promise for better things to come, a promise that the Earth would never be flooded again.

Over the centuries the rainbow has taken different meanings for different cultures. For parents the rainbow is a symbol for hope, hope that is laced with fear.

My husband was telling a co worker about our gender reveal party and how we were incorporating a rainbow theme since this baby is our little rainbow. His co worker, having never heard the term rainbow baby before asked what that meant. My husband explained.

July 4th of 2021 my dad took me to the hospital. I had been sick all day so I checked my blood pressure using a borrowed machine, 185/110. After blood work, fluids and an EKG it was determined that I had severely low potassium. Low potassium, or electrolyte imbalance is not new to me. According to my doctor I have a nasty habit of drinking TOO much water and depleting my electrolytes.

I found this out after getting frequent leg cramps so bad that I physically could not move my leg and needed my husbands help to stretch out the cramp. Hearing this I was both relieved that it wasn’t serious and mad at myself for not staying accountable.

I was sent home with a prescription and after three days I felt good as new. My uncle (in law) and I went to pick up hay for my horses, I cooked dinner and wrote up a grocery list for the next day. The following day, July 10th, I woke up with stomach cramps at 6am. I took some Tylenol, drank some water and laid back down.

I woke up a few hours later feeling a little better and we headed out to the store. As we walked around the store the cramps came back with avengeance. The pain was getting more intense and more frequent and I knew something was very wrong. As I was telling my husband that I needed to go to the hospital my water broke.

He called an ambulance.

The room was full of nurses bustling back and forth. One setting up an IV, one hooking me up to the contraction monitor, trying to find a heart beat, one taking vitals, blood draws, trying to get my jeans off. I was overwhelmed and afraid. The doctor came in pulling on gloves and said he wanted to check me. Check me meaning see how dilated I was.

As soon as he got me in position to check my cervix he said the words that surprised everyone.

“Baby is crowning”.

Three minutes after the paramedic rolled me into the Obstetrics Emergency Department our second baby girl was born. She was silent. The nurses whisked her to the side wall and as the chaos around me continued I slowly realized I was going into shock. My blood pressure was nearing stroke level, my placenta was retained, the pain from the doctor trying to work out my placenta was literally breath taking and all the while a neonatologist turns and calmly states “the baby may not be viable”.

I was so in shock I couldn’t respond. Everything was happening so fast I couldn’t process one thing from another. The nurse came over and attempted to explain that she didn’t survive and that she had a severe birth defect called Gastroschisis.

Without getting too graphic…Gastroschisis is a defect in which a hole forms beside the belly button. Organs are able to slip through the hole making the birthing process dangerous for baby and parent. Most babies with this condition are delivered via c-section and taken immediately into surgery to correct the defect. Unfortunately the emergency delivery and rapid progression made that impossible.

If you would like to read more on this birth defect you can find all the info at the link bellow, including links to organizations that assist families that are affected by Gastroschesis

The doctor tried to explain that this kind of thing “just happens”. That there is no way to predict it or prevent it.

She was the size of a doll swaddled in enough receiving blankets to hide her defect. Her skin was pale white, her scalp dusted with perfect blonde curls and as I held her still expecting a sound, a look or a breath that would never come, all my emotions flooded in at once.

As I laid in the bed holding my still born child, alone, I cried.

My husband and I decided then that we could not bare the pain again. I would get sterilized over winter when it would be better for me to be “down” from a surgery. Over the next three months my hormones refused to regulate, my cycles were erratic and despite careful precautions I got pregnant in October.

We scheduled an appointment as quickly as possible and waited with bated breath as the ultrasound tech did the initial scan. We were relieved when the ultrasound showed a heartbeat of 152 and no defect. I’m now 25 weeks and planning a gender reveal party with a rainbow theme to both celebrate our rainbow baby and commemorate our angel baby. At a time when I should feel excited and overjoyed I’m consumed by anxiety and fear.

Little things, like the stomach virus my son and I had; every single cramp, though I knew they weren’t contraction, had me almost in tears from fear that I would lose this baby as well. Statistics say that one in four women will suffer the loss of a pregnancy. Some would think that that would ease the feeling of guilt.

Like my doctor said, it just happens, right?

It doesn’t.

Pregnancy loss grief is a different kind of grief. It's a feeling of guilt, self loathing, and failure. You over analyze every thing you did from the moment you found out you were pregnant. You end up mentally torturing yourself trying to find a rhyme or reason that doesn’t exist.

** * **

People say that time heals all wounds. I tend to agree, however anyone who has been physically cut deeply will tell you that, even though the wound is healed, a scar remains. From training horses, hiking and working on a farm I have plenty of physical scars. Some have faded, some are as clear as the day they finished forming, but the one I know will never go away is the loss of our little angel, Angela Hope. Like the people who get beautiful tattoos to cover the ugly scars they attained for what ever reason this pregnancy is my tattoo. It wont make the pain go away or replace the loss but like a rainbow it’s a reminder that the storm only lasts for a time. Without the storm we will eventually forget to appreciate all we have and begin to take for granted the peace and beauty of all we are blessed with.

I know that we could not have got through this trying time without the love and support of our family and friends and the amazing volunteers at Kennedy's Angel Gowns.

Kennedy's Angel Gowns in a non profit that provides services, free of charge, to families that have suffered pregnancy and infant loss.

Despite it all, I am thankful for the storms and even more so, the rainbows that follow.

Author’s Note: I didn’t go into a lot of detail about after we left the hospital or the support we had through everything. We are so thankful for all the people that were there for our family during this trying time. A special thanks to Kennedy’s Angel Gowns for their amazing support and the beautiful burial gown they sent us. If you would like to help raise money to keep their services free and show your support for those moms like me you can purchase a shirt at the link bellow.

While you are browsing check out my other shirts and coffee mugs available and purchase with the knowledge that ALL proceeds go to either a specified non profit or towards the transportation and care of mustangs and dogs that make our farm a stop on their road to Happily Ever After.