Life after life

I've read once, that by reading books, you can live many lives. If you don't, you only live one. I can see a point to this statement, but if you're brave enough to change your life, you can have many lives yourself.

Whenever something big enough happens, we have a choice, to stay the same or to do something different. As creatures of habits, we tend to be afraid of the change. We complain about our stagnant, unhappy life, but deep down are content with it. The patterns are similar, we complain, but unwilling to make a change, even if we agree with someone, who shows us a different way. Sticking with what we know wins almost every time. That's why people stay unhappy in toxic relationships or jobs. Something big needs to happen to shake things up.

With me it was a break of my family. It was the toughest experience up to date. At first, I was concentrating on separation from my partner. I thought he was my soulmate, the one I would spend the rest of my life with. Within 10 years, I'd notice attractive men, maybe flirt a little, but was never tempted to cheat. I've always only had eyes on him. He was my everything, my best friend, partner, he was part of my world and I'm not letting people in easily.

I've always thought he was like me, fiercely loyal and would never betray me, our love. Yet he did. The realization was the hardest and my world broke into million pieces. I was a mess, not able to function, work. Caring for my kids was set on an autopilot. I was so consumed with my own pain, I was useless to help them with theirs. I've tried to shelter them from it, taking on trips, walks, but it was impossible to keep a brave face at all times at home. I'd cry for hours and when I didn't, I was sad. They've noticed.

At this point, even though hurting, I knew it's time to change. I didn't want to stay with him, I couldn't. There was nothing that could be done, to save the relationship. If I'd stay, I wouldn't be true to myself. In my world, there is no turning back from some actions. So I left.. Not on my terms, but left, as I knew staying would be unbearable.

Some time passed and things got better, I'm not angry about it. I'm not looking at him the same way, not with hate, as no feelings left. It's like I was looking at a stranger. I used to think about him all the time, wishing he would notice how much I loved him, he never did, so I've lost the love I thought I've had.

Weirdly I've started to notice I'm doing so much better on my own, financially and in life. I've started to see my true self, the woman I was before I've met him and altered myself up to his tastes.

This is why I think you can live many lives, when you change yourself to fit someone else's expectations. You do it willingly, in the name of love. However, deep down you despise yourself and them for it.

The truth is I was unhappy from the beginning, not fully myself. I've moulded to fit into society's expectations, trying to be a perfect female, wife, mother. It took me some time to realize you don't have to and you can reshape your life at any point. No brutal wake up call needed. The power is within us and we can fulfill our dreams anytime. This is something I wish to everyone on this planet.