Letter to My Daughter on Mother's Day

It is my first official Mother's Day. I had you make Mother's day cards for everyone but me. It feels so strange to ask and then watch you craft a card for me. But, I always make sure that everyone else gets one. Our story is long and complicated. We officially adopted you this year. So many things had to fall apart before that could be put together. I lost my best friend. My trust was betrayed and my heart was broken; more than once. You were terrified and too young to verbalize that. When you realized that my home would be your home permanently, everything changed. I almost stopped going to school. It was too difficult to be one of your moms and participate in student life. What the hell was student life when it meant that you were growing up without me? I missed you terribly. I questioned my position in your life every day for nearly five years. You were mine the day you were born. The first day I held you, I promised you that you and I would always be together. When things took a turn, I felt like my purpose in your world did too.

Legality is a funny thing. Adoption and Foster Care are funny things as well but that is a conversation for another day. Legally, my mother is your sole guardian. I was in school and no one knew exactly how I would be able to adopt you while I was taking classes... or if they would allow you to live in the dorm with me. From the outside looking in, it was her that they saw with you. I was slowly faded out of the story line and out of your story completely. I was constantly in battle with my mother over recognition and a seat at the table when it came to making decisions about you. Legally, I had no say. Many agreements had to be made (and many arguments had to be had) in order for me to be able to participate in those processes. I was there every moment. I crafted my schedule around you and what you needed. You were never away for long. I was keeping my promise.

And here we are. Our first Mother's day and I'm not quite sure where I fit. There are so many parts of motherhood that folks forget on Mother's day. The siblings that raised their younger siblings, mothers who died, who lost custody of their children but are still present in their lives... and those who aren't. And then there's me. Somewhere in between all of this being over and all of this just beginning. Getting used to calling you my daughter. For some reason, I never called you that before. I didn't feel like I deserved access to that word. Maybe... that I didn't deserve access to you. I'm still fighting with myself daily; trying to be the best me that I can be for YOU.

I made sure that you made your other mother a mother's day card. She's been working really hard to be in your life and I want her to know that I see her. Maybe next year, I'll get a card too.

My love for you will never change. You'll be my sunshine always. Thank you for being the first one to see me as mommy.