Lessons in Strength

Everything we learn in one shape or form; we learn from our parents. The good, the bad and the ugly. Our parents shape us the moment they realize there is new life growing in the womb. They begin to commit to a shared structure of how to raise their children; from their own experiences growing up in life and the change they wanted to see in the world. I am the product of Martin Eugene and Bonita Fay; two teenagers who met working at a local A&W shop. One additional item you need to know about the family that built me. I am the middle child of Martin and Bonita; they were blessed with 3 girls (no boys, my pour Dad). My oldest sister is 2 years older and my youngest sister is 8 years younger. My parents chose to move from their hometowns in Michigan to a developing farm town in the Southwest corner. My growth and experience were not only molded by my parent’s direction, but also by the region I grew up in. There is something special about small towns. They are not only the foundation which built America, but they also allow you to focus and understand specific lessons on life verses the chaos of large populated cities.

Today I am here to honor Bonita Fay.

There is something special and nurturing of the love of a mother. Some people may have never had a mother growing up. Others may have had a rocky relationship. And some may have lost their mothers at a young age. I was lucky to have a great relationship with my Mother growing up and through my teenage years. Yes, there were times of disagreements. My older sister and my Mom butted heads a lot during my sister’s teenage years. In all honesty, we would not be who we are today without her guidance (both visible and unseen).

Bonita was not an athlete growing up. She took home-economics; she had horses; she made her own clothes (including her pageant gown in high school). She was and still is very reserved and not as “out-there” as my Dad or even her children. She loves her gardens, which is a trait she learned from her mother. She used to bowl while I was growing up and has taken up golf in her later life. Growing up, I remember her back rubs. When I was stressed, she would play with my hair to calm me down. She has taught me a lot in life and still, I think there is more she left out.

The month of May in a nutshell, belongs to Mothers who go above and beyond. I am my Mother's daughter no more then my sisters are direct replica's of all the lessons she has instilled onto us through-out the years. She has always been a Boss Mom, she has always been strong beyond comparison of knowing how to do it ourselves. She has guided us through many challenges and silently watched us grow and learn ourselves. That's a true Boss; letting us grow and make our own paths.

Lessons I was Never Taught

Here is to the lessons and strengths Bonita Fay didn’t teach me; these are the lessons she guided me to learn my self.

• How to Finance - I’m horrible with finances (the worst). I understand the notion of saving for tomorrow, but somehow like to spend for today. What I loved about growing up is I knew both my Dad and Mom worked 9-5 jobs. We always had food on the table, clothes on our backs and bountiful Christmas’. We took vacations almost every Summer to Florida. We always had what we needed, and sometimes, what we wanted. I’ve been blessed because many didn’t even have that. Bonita didn’t teach me how to save, because she learned herself. That does not make her any less of a Boss Mom. She supported all three of us girls in the same way. Sadly, up until I was 30, I still reached out for support when I needed to. I'm happy she always tried to help when she could, but I'm sorry it took me that long to figure it out.
• Women's Health - The one thing I hate to acknowledge and used to keep as a dirty secret is the fact I have never been to the gynecologist’s office. I never brought it up to my Mom as she never pressured me to start an annual checkup as a teenager. Truthfully, I am afraid of what existing condition I may have lived with in these past 25+ years. This is something I wish she would have urged for me to do. This is really the only thing I feel failed on.
• How to be Creative - Yes, Bonita is strong in her own creative rights. She did teach me how to sow some of my clothes in high school and taught me how to knit. Every Christmas, she encouraged us to help her bake cookies, pumpkin roles and cinnamon rolls. However, my younger Sister and I (artists of the family) did not get our full creative side from our Mom. But she was and always has been our number one fan and was always in awe of what our minds could make.
• Coping with Depression - Do me a favor, look back at the past 30 years and see how advanced we have come with understanding mental health. I am 100% indebted and in awe of my Mother, that I am so sorry she had to go through this with me. See, mental health wasn't talked about as much in the 80's and 90's as I grew up. My Mom couldn't help me because she didn't understand what was going on. In her mind, she failed me. This is the one lesson she could never be prepared for. See, my Mom never failed me; she didn't know how to fix me. Depression is the worse; add an adolescent trying to navigate around the pain of something they can not find broken, and that is where you would have found me. Bonita didn't try to fix me, but she guided me to grow and be strong; which is where I found my coping mechanism. My Mom never committed me because she didn't know what to do with depression; she stood by and watched closely giving me the strength I needed to survive. She breathed for us both in those days and taught me strength by letting me develop and heal myself. I would never be the person I am today if I didn't learn how to cope then. I'm eternally grateful and sorry we both lived through that.

The above lessons I survived life not knowing but learning. Those lessons didn't dictate who I am today or how I react to situations. Do not let them persuade you of my Mother not being strong. Bonita did the best with her strong-willed Leo child, who never liked being told 'no' or even listen about cleaning my room or the house. In addition, it didn't stop her from creating an unbreakable bond with her Aquarius eldest daughter who left home at the age of 25 and still calls her everyday. Even our Scorpio youngest sister, who is a beacon of light of pure love, my Mother was so happy to complete our bond.

The Lessons I learned from the Strongest Woman I know

• How to Dream - Never once did Bonita say, "you can't do that." I've wanted to be an archeologist (the next Indiana Jones); I wanted to be an architect; I wanted to be a writer, a poet, an artist, an animator and finally, a film editor. Not once did she say, "No"; "Are you crazy"; or "Maybe you should get into computers." Every wish and dream her children had, she fully supported. Every time we came up with the craziest ideas, Bonita always said, "I believe in you, of course you can do that." See, my Mom empowers our dreams and never holds back that support. She's never said "no, you can't," but always, "I can't wait to see how far you will go."
• How to become Brave - One of the strongest characteristics I have ever learned from Bonita was to be able to fight. Not fist fights (small town, not everyone fights to make a point), but she taught us to be strong. Even when you cry you can still rise from those ashes. I'm fully sure this is one of the things her Mother, Fay, taught her being a young, strong widow. Imagine that first moment you begin to understand and realize your Mother is a force to reckon with. Yes, the stern Mom who will easily hit you with a fly swatter (she never did) and also ground you at the first moment of retaliation. That was Bonita Fay.
• How to Challenge Ourselves - Once again, both Martin and Bonita never allowed us to say no. They pushed us to find our limits. "Well, if you are not good at that, what about this?" The never ending expansion of seeing where we could go was driven by my Mother. My Dad, basically said, "Well, if you fail, don't let it hurt you." They had the combined strength to drive us. And often they had to divide and conquer our emotions.
• How to Let Go - Bonita taught me how to carry everything and carry it well. I watched her as I grew up and she never gave up or allowed the knowledge of defeat. In a way, she taught us to never give up. She also taught us to feel it all and to not be ashamed to feel it all. My Mother was a Boss because she understood the pressures of generations and times changing. And in her defeat, she always smiled. That is signs of a bad-ass Boss.

All stories aside...Bonita Fay taught me to smile, to love, to grow and never give up. She's a Boss in her own right. She never asked for attention or is as loud as my Sisters and I. She has taught us grace, compassion and understanding. She has lived pass the loss of her own Mother and is grown in strength these past few years. I don't honor her enough because I don't want her to know how truly in awe I am of her. She's the reason I have been able to survive depression and I have learned to grow from the 'Unknowing' fear. She's one of the strongest women I know.

Above all, this is a letter of thank you to her for being one of the best Mom's who genuinely cared who my Sisters and I turned out to be.