Lala Bird

I no longer look forward to your calls or text messages and can listen to our old song. I can drive by your mom’s place and our house, and for the first time since I lost you, I was able to go to our spot without breaking down. You were right, the way the old pond looked when it’s frozen over with a cap of snow. It's a perfect winter picture. The sunlight, glistening off the ice onto the flakes of snow, reminds me of the way your blue eyes would glisten when you were happy. Like the day we found out that you were pregnant with our son, your eyes were filled with so much joy, excitement, and terror. Still to this day one of the most beautiful sights I have ever seen.

Today I was out driving around and heard one of your favorite songs and had to come to this pond to talk to you. I know you aren’t here, it just feels like the only connection that I have left to you. As I sat on this bank, the memories of you and I came rushing back like a massive flood of mixed emotions. The one that stands out the most was when I taught you how to fish and instead, we got caught in a crazy thunderstorm, the firebird got stuck in the mud so we had to sleep in the car. The whole night we just talked and laughed and even killed the battery because we had the radio playing all night. That was the night that I knew I loved you with all of my heart. Another one that plays in my head over and over is the first time I took you for a ride on my bike. You were so scared at first that you were even shaking, but by the end of the ride you couldn’t wait to get a motorcycle of your own. We would ride to this pond every day that we could just to get away from the everyday stress and would sit under this tree holding each other.

It was here at this frozen pond that your mom pulled up on us, ranting and raving because I was “The Bad Boy”. In her mind, I was nothing but trouble, but you weren’t scared even though you knew who I really was, what I really did, and who my family was. You would tell me all the time that you could see straight through what I let everyone else see, and you loved the real me. Also, it was here under this tree where I proposed to you. I was so scared as I was at your mom’s house waiting for you to get ready, my hand was shaking in my pocket with the ring in it. I asked your mom for her blessing, she turned to me and just asked for me to protect you from the lifestyle that I lived. When I showed her the ring her eyes teared up just as yours did, she told me that she knew you were pregnant. Then you came running down the stairs and we almost dropped the ring down the heating vent because we were in such a hurry to hide it from you. You just laughed at us for acting weird, but once you and I pulled up to this tree and saw the picnic that our friends had laid out, you were full of questions. I was a stuttering mess that day and once I pulled out the ring you didn’t even give me a chance to say anything before you jumped in my arms screaming yes.

Here at this frozen pond, we would plan out our life together, where we were going to live, how many kids and the businesses we would start. We were even here when the doctors called and said you were pregnant. The both of us were floored with excitement and terrified because we had to tell our families, but mostly your mom and my grandpa. We knew both of them would lose their minds because we were nowhere near ready for a child. Then you looked at me and told me that we got this just as we got everything else because we are too damn foolish to let anyone tell us anything.

I also remember the night that we lost our son, it still cuts me deep and I still blame myself. You and everyone told me not to leave the house that night to make the sale, yet I was worried about the money and was in a rush to get as much as I could before he was born that I didn’t listen to your gut feeling. While I was gone, your deadbeat father came into our house and knocked you down the stairs while you were eight months along. You landed on your stomach and before my best friends, Zeus and Ray, could get to your father, he ran away. They rushed you to the hospital and I was speeding on my way back while on the phone with you. I got to the hospital and the doctor made me wait, the whole time I was a train wreck waiting for some kind of update. When the doctor came through the doors and asked for me, I jumped up, he said that you would be ok but they had to do an emergency C-section and our son did not have long to live. I was so blinded by anger and heartache that I couldn’t say anything. I rushed to be by your side, the sight of you holding our dying son still haunts me. You were crying nonstop, I tried to be strong for you, but when he died in my arms, I lost my mind. I foolishly jumped out of the hospital window to hunt for your father.

When I got to his house I didn’t realize Zeus was right behind and if it was for Zeus then your father would have met his fate that night. When the cops came, I couldn’t lift my arms and was covered in his blood. All I could hear was the sound of you crying, and the picture of you holding our son kept running through my mind. I was truly broken after that. I’m so sorry that I allowed it to drive us apart. My actions, my hate, my own demons drove away my Lisa, my Lala Bird.

For years, you were my best friend and we would talk almost daily. You were so happy when my daughters were born and made me promise to straighten my act up for them. I did just that, and I was over the moon when you told me that you were engaged and you were going to get married by the river in the following summer. It was great to hear the happiness in your voice again, even if I wasn’t the reason for it. Even though we were both happy with other people, still we would call each other to get past the rough times. Like when you called off your engagement and left that clown, or when Rose and I separated. You helped me get through it and even fell in love with Rose. Seeing the two of you happy was the greatest sight I had seen in a long time.

Then I got the call from your mom that your ex broke into your house and had abused you. I fell to my knees when she said that you were in the hospital with internal bleeding and a broken back. When I saw you, everything came rushing back, but you made Rose and I promise you to always remain friends and to keep each other safe for Bell and for you. Later that night you passed away in your sleep. Rose and I put your ashes here in this pond, just as we did our son’s ashes.

I’m married now to a great woman, I know you would love her, and I’m still great friends with Rose. But not a day goes by where we don’t think about you and miss you deeply. As I’m sitting here, I swear I can see the image of you holding our son, the sunlight on this frozen pond. I know I’ll forever have two angels watching over me. As I drive away from this frozen pond for the last time, please know that the both of you will live on forever in our hearts and our thoughts, fly high Lala Bird.