Know you more

Dear Mom,

It's been almost a year since you left. I miss you everyday. The last time I saw you I didn't even speak to you but now I got alot to say. I'm sorry I turned my back on you mom but I felt at the time you turned your back on me 17 years before when you threw our relationship out the door, and for what? Happiness you thought would be waiting for you at the bottom of that pill bottle? In truth it was just a 17 year long battle. I spent all those years selfishly thinking you were fighting me and dad when in reality you were only fighting yourself. I spent all those years only thinking about me and not realizing you were fighting a war I couldn't see. You told me more than once about the hell that you went through but it's like my mind never fathomed what all was done to you. They didn't just tear your wings, they ripped them from your back. How could anyone be okay after that? Yet I expected you to just stop your self-treatment, and I became bitter and full of resentment. I should have been more compassionate and understanding, instead I was aggravating and demanding. I'm sorry mom, sorry I wasn't there for you, loving you, lifting you, and understanding you when I really needed to. The day you died I dropped to my knees and forgave you and I can only hope you forgive me too. I want you to know, mom, now I know you more. Now I understand what it was all for. You didn't choose addiction, addiction chose you. It saw the perfect victim, trauma, a clear path to get to you. It wasn't your fault, mom. It wasn't anything you did. Trauma just chased you ever since you were a kid. I wish I could take it all back mom and instead of walking out the door, I would hug you and pick you up off the floor.

I don't even know why I'm writing this letter, It's not like you'll ever get to read it. You'll never see that I'm sorry but maybe the world will see it. I guess it just feels good to get these things off my chest, I sleep all the time but I never feel like I rest. My babies are growing up without their Mimi and I can only hope they'll see a little of you when they look at me. I can only hope to become half the mom you used to be. The Mom you were for the first 13 years of my life before the pills showed up with all their damn strife. It's just not fair. I feel like you should be here with me and the kids and not there. You should see you granddaughter, she's growing so fast.

Life feels more precious than ever so I try to make the precious moments last. One day I'll tell them about your life and how you fought hard with all the strength you had. I'll tell them about both the good times and the bad because what's a warrior without their war story?

Anyways I'm gonna end this letter now, Mom. I got alot of stuff to do. I gotta go be the wife and mom you always wanted me to. Even though you're no longer here, I still wanna make you proud of me. I gotta keep moving even though some days it's hard to breathe. But I promise you mom, your death will not be in vain. There will be many that will know your story and your name and all that you went through. And i'm gonna keep raising awareness and trying to save people just like you.

I miss you, Mom. Give Dad a hug for me and my grandparents too. Life is short, so I guess I'll see you soon.

Love, Your daughter, Kasey.

NOTE:

It's more important than ever to stop the stigma surrounding addiction. The stigma can lead to guilt and shame, causing people to hide their addiction and prevent them from getting the help and treatment they need. Please visit sudstigma (Stop the stigma podcast) on Facebook for education, awareness, lifesaving information, and learn how you can be the difference in the drug epidemic.