Know When to Shut Up

You’ll get to the hospital, probably hungry and sweaty. But you won’t know what's going on. Nobody will. But don’t ask. Don’t ask much of anything. Until you’re in your own house again. And even then, tread lightly. Its about her. There is a gender political vortex in play here. I thought as a dad who showed up, and a dad who had made it clear I wanted to learn something, I would be appreciated. I was wrong.

I had my sister-in-law there. She’s had three kids. I’ve had none. I created one but at this point in the story he was still to be confirmed. But there were moments where I had to shut up and let her talk. She knew more than me. But emotionally she knew I had a use that she didn’t. It was the best we’d ever coexisted and hasn't been beaten since.

It's going to be a long day. For you too. But don’t complain. It's harder for her—so shut up, you may get bored and start wishing it would be over. No matter how much you want to go to bed, get a hold of yourself. You may outlast the birthing centre and have to go down to an operating theatre. Remain calm. Iron man. She needs you to believe. It's man up time. You may have to put scrubs on, resist the urge to take a selfie. It will be a drastic misreading of the energy in the room if you do. Once again, remain calm.

They’ll ask you to step outside. Stay present. Stay calm. When it's your turn, do your part. Motivate her. Believe in her, or be prepared to pretend you do.

Don’t worry about the head shape when it comes out first. Or the colour. Do not suffer simultaneous joy and tear-inducing heart break over the birth of your first born and the fact the child may have a cone shaped head for their whole life. It will return to normal and when it does you’ll feel awful.

Don't take your shirt off in the delivery room. Even if your newborn won't fit down the scrubs top. People will yell.

Do not expect a royal welcome into the post-natal ward. Do sign the release form. Do not expect:

• A bed
• A reclining chair
• A basic level of comfort you could expect in a prison cell
• The welcome from the staff to get any better

Do go looking for staff to assist you if you’re sleep deprived and can’t get your baby to settle. Violate the rules of your release form if you have to in order to get help. Do not expect to win these people over with charm.

Do buy your own coffee and make your own measures. Its gonna be a long day. Eat. Ignore your diet. You may be so preoccupied with tending to your newborn child you forget to check in with the girl in the hospital bed who can’t feel her legd. Let her know how things are going with the tests. Make sure she gets her painkillers.

Remember a phone charger.

If he needs an x-ray, trust the medical professionals, let them get on with it. But let them feel it, that your baby's safety and their safety will be intrinsically connected.

If you’re lucky, you may get to take your baby home. Bring the instruction manual for the car seat. When you did this the first time you were a lot less exhausted.

If things in your house move on their own don’t be alarmed. Its just your deceased relatives coming to see your baby. No big deal.

Life as you know it has now changed forever, young man. Enjoy.