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Journal of an Unsuccessful Surrogate

Selected Journal Entries June 2018 - June 2021

By C.D. HoylePublished 2 years ago 25 min read
7

My lovely friend, Kate, has always encouraged me to share our story and I have finally embraced the challenge. I attempt to do so with the love and respect we have for one another always at the forefront. Ours is just one experience in hundreds of thousands of stories of fertility challenges faced by hopeful intended parents each year, and to any of those IPs, please take any sliver of hope you find here to move forward with your dreams of a family. I firmly believe there is always a reason, known or unknown, as to why things happen, or in this case, do not. Having found out my reason, I’m ready to tell the story.

June 15, 2018

Yo.

Kate called. It’s been a long time since we had a catch-up and a multitude was on the table. She’d heard that the clinic had just launched a Woman’s and Pelvic health practice and was interested to see what our practitioners were up to. Heavily invested in the fertility world, Kate wanted to know if there was any overlap or alternatives to be considered. She’s been trying to conceive a baby for years now and has had many invasive procedures only to suffer the devastating miscarriage of her twins. She has been diagnosed with Asherman’s Syndrome, (Dr. Google tells me it’s scar tissue in the uterus which makes the walls stick together and reduces the size and function of the organ). They have booked a trip out to California to see one of the top specialists in the field and even then, the chance that Dr. March’s micro-scissoring technique will give her back enough function to carry a baby to term is slim. Next steps are being recommended. Undaunted in their quest for a biological child, they are considering a surrogate. Kate had thought the new expansion of my business might have fostered such connections. Unfortunately, no, I don’t know anyone in that world.

I’m hoping the best for their visit to California. Fingers crossed!

June 16, 2018

Me again.

Last night a seed planted itself in my mind. I don’t know why. I was lucky enough to have had a wonderful pregnancy with my little guy and, even as I write this, I’m in such a period of transition in my life: I’m packing to move out of my marital home and into my fresh start apartment for healing time. The realization that I’m not being true to myself within the confines of my marriage has finally, as you know, brought us to separation. I feel I need clarity. Counseling is already happening. Sobriety is probably a good idea. Being responsible for delivering such great joy, to my friend, to the world, would be amazing. Could I do this for them?

June 20, 2018

Hey,

So, I spoke with my counselor, Dr. Dan. He knows me well and doesn’t let me get away with the non-confrontation of my emotions. In Canada, surrogacy is an act of altruism. A surrogate can be supported by the intended parents in many ways, but there cannot be financial gain, so I wouldn’t be getting paid if I decided to volunteer. It is an element of our law that helps prevent human trafficking and the exploitation of women, something I fully support. I’m not sure I believe in altruism. Or even like it, for that matter. I know deep down my desire to insert some good back into the world through helping my friend build her family is a direct response to the feeling I have taken some love out of the world with the end of my marriage. Once Dr. Dan and I labeled it something other than altruism, he asked me point blank – So what? – you’re either willing do this momentous thing for someone or you are not. The whys and the labels don’t matter if your intentions are pure. Hmm...it really never leaves my mind. I am anxious for news from Kate re: California.

July 3, 2018

Developing circumstances…

Kate is home. Unfortunately, the doctor was not able to give her back enough function to confidently say her uterus would provide a hospitable environment to carry a pregnancy. In fact, it is now being recommended for their mental as well as physical health that they not try to conceive. They could, theoretically, have a chemical pregnancy, but it wouldn’t last. My heart shattered on the other end of the phone as she described how her husband was working overtime trying to keep her spirits up and hold on to the dream. I was doing my usual laps around the kitchen while talking on the phone and I stopped, compelled to glance at my happy kid playing in the living room. I volunteered before I could think – I can do this. After assuring her I have thought of little else for the last few weeks, she took in my offer. The change in her voice was immediate – incredulous, nervous, and overwhelmed. She is going to talk to her husband, and we will all meet up for lunch this week.

July 9, 2018

Hey,

Lunch with the I.P.s went well! My only worry is financial: self-employment has no safety net – I’ll need support if I have to be laid up, and in those last weeks in particular – but it’s all still an incredibly positive feeling. Kate’s an expert in the world of fertility treatments and was able to guide me on how everything would work. The next step is lawyers – I’ll be needing life insurance and to make sure my family is taken care of if anything terrible should happen to me during pregnancy or childbirth. I must have a psychological assessment. Kate is having an egg retrieval procedure soon and then we will know how many viable embryos there are to work with. The monitoring of my cycle will begin, followed by IVF instructions. Kate remains realistic and says with all the steps between now and the potential baby, so much could happen. It could take months before we get underway with cycle monitoring, then nine months after successful I.V.F. so this is a huge time commitment on top of all the physical and emotional commitments. If it doesn't work out, they are still so grateful – Kate thanked me with tears in her eyes. She said I’ve restored her hope and that’s already a valuable gift.

Aug 23, 2018

Long time…

It’s been a while since I’ve had any news to update you with. Things moved very slow for me for a while. I’ve been speaking with the doctors involved, they reviewed my charts, assessed my previous pregnancy and showed some concern that I had been borderline diabetic. I volunteered that I currently both drink and smoke pot. Why not? I was summarily tisk-tisked. The IPs were in the know and I was signed off with a stern caution about total abstinence when the treatments begin. I couldn’t help but picture an old and vivid scene of ripping bong hits and drinking shots with my friend. Ah, yeah – Kate? She knows. The session with the counselor went well. She was very nice. Asked me why I wanted to do this extraordinary thing. I gave a simple answer: I couldn’t unimagine being the one to hand my friend her long-awaited baby and seeing what that will mean in her eyes. That is enough for me, and, evidently, enough for me to transcend the psych eval. Now the ball has started rolling. Legal contract signed. Cycle monitoring begins next day 1 of my cycle – which Kate must have been monitoring herself already because she told me it’s coming up next week!

Sept 15, 2018

Hey Hey,

Today I had two scans. One was the special kind of ultrasound where the technician asks you if you're allergic to latex as they roll a condom onto a wand. Just a little uncomfortable (and the most action I’ve seen in far too long! Ha!) – but nothing compared to the sonohysterogram, a procedure they prepare you for with a couple of advil extra-strengths a half-hour in advance. Then they use a saline solution to inflate the uterus. For some reason, they went the extra mile and checked my fallopian tubes too – the pain was blinding. I could feel the blackness closing in. Take two Advil indeed. I won’t even be needing those tubes for I.V.F. so someone didn’t get the memo. At least it’s over and I have the rest of the day off work so I’m going to leave it here with you, cuddle with my dog and watch some trash T.V.

Oct 8, 2018

Hey there,

The Doctor was impressed with whatever map of my uterus they made. “Nice fluffy lining,” I remember him saying. That’s what they want for the I.V.F. They watch for the lining to compact before putting the embryo in. He also motioned that if I still want kids of my own after this is all said and done, that fluffiness is beneficial for that too. Since I’m single and in line, at best, for a geriatric pregnancy if that longshot were to occur, the chances are slim to almost none...but, you never know. So now I have to start taking this robust platter of meds to trigger all the right responses and trick myself into pregnancy mode before they insert the embryo. The laundry list of meds is intimidating. So many pills and two types of injections. One is sub-cutaneous, and the other is intramuscular. Honestly, it sounds pretty awful – a shot in my butt each day. Kate is going to come with me for the injections training. Usually, people have a partner for this, but I will have to figure out how to inject my own ass each day starting two weeks before IVF and six weeks into pregnancy! Deep breaths.

Nov 10, 2018

Ugh,

Things fell apart right before they were to begin. I had to stop the meds regiment. We needed to update our public health records. When working with a fertility clinic you must have an up-to-date H.I.V. test on file. Unfortunately, because of how long everything takes in this world, both I.P.’s needed to update theirs as the last tests were more than 6 months ago. The results take 5 business days. It’s going to take this cycle out. Another month to delay the onset of injections, I guess...to have some drinks. We discussed potentially waiting till the new year now. It’s my busiest time of year at work and the holidays bring about more stress. Maybe it’s not the time to put the egg in the basket, so to speak. Jesus, that’s awful – but it’s true. I only know from a brief stint on hormonal birth control that I am affected. I can imagine the onslaught of hormones is going to give me personality changes or make it harder for me to function at the capacity I will be needing to.

Nov 11, 2018

Salutations,

We have decided to wait till the New Year to start up again. I’ll continue cycle monitoring and taking the folic acid Kate has ordered to arrive for me every 30 days (but they are 90 pill bottles?) and set my sights on having a great busy season at work and festive holidays with my family (read that as: drinking lots of wine, twisting a couple up here and there, a festive bowl if it transpires). Feels kind of good to be able to put this down for a bit. I’ll be honest – when I offered myself up for this, I thought getting through nine months of pregnancy would be the hard part. It’s all this pre-amble prep work that’s getting to me. Going downtown for blood work in the morning before work and dreading the injection portion of this adventure. I’m going to use this time to focus on my family, however part of me would like to start sniffing around for some fun. It feels like decades since I’ve even been kissed! If I don’t scratch this itch will it become unbearable when I add hormones? Maybe ‘tis the season for more than just mistletoe...

January 1 2019

Happy New Year!

I really put everything to do with the surrogacy down during this lapse in entries. My apologies. You’ll be interested to know I kissed a man. Yep. It happened. Someone who knows the whole situation and that I can’t really get into any kind of relationship at the moment. It was a good kiss despite that nicotine aftertaste. Still, I appreciated his taking initiative after I mentioned how long it had been since I’d had a good kiss. It made me feel young and alive. He reminded me I know where to find him if I want more...

Cycle monitoring and blood work starts up again soon.

Jan 16, 2019

Damn,

Injection training is no joke. The nurse got into my head when she mentioned the ‘boring tip’ of the needle, I immediately thought of a giant auger, like the ones used to make holes for ice-fishing. She drew circles on my hips over my glute med muscle where the alternating, daily injections will go. Apparently bruising will take the place of the sharpy marks so once they fade, I’ll still know where to stab. I’m to warm the progesterone-in-oil up once I’ve loaded it into the syringe – using the boring tip (that’s just to get the oil out of the vile, thankfully, then you switch to the injection tip). After the injection, I should use heat over the area to help disperse the hormones. I figure the treatment room at work is a good spot. We already have sharps bins for acupuncture needles and nice weighted heating pads. It’s easy for me to keep things sterile. So, I’m thinking, Mondays to Fridays I’ll head in early so I can do my injections and heat my rump, then on the weekends, I’ll need to do it at home. I started taking the other injection last week. The first time really gets in your head, but I talked to my friend who has diabetes and he told me I was being a wimp. He’s been doing the “Grab flab and stab” thing since he was 8 years old. Still, I had to have my bestie on the line to count me down. It’s more of a mental game because it doesn't really hurt. Still very nervous about the PIO injections.

Jan 29, 2019

Hi,

My girls, Kate and Tor, came over to help with the first injection of PIO. Tor has got a steady hand. It wasn’t that bad having someone else do it for me. Now it will just take practice for me to do it alone. We went out for a nice lunch and had a hot tub at my parents after. It’s been so nice spending more time with them through this journey so far. Two more weeks till I.V.F transfer day!

Feb 7, 2019

I feel awful.

I feel awful for many reasons but let me rank my top three:

1) I am rocking a 2-day hangover because of how much I drank on Friday night.

2) I think Kate is mad at me for how much I drank on Friday night.

3) Hormones and drinking might not go that well. Been having hot flashes and nausea. More than can be explained by this mega-hangover.

It was my “last night out” before the IVF next Friday. This corresponded with my brother-in-law's birthday party at a karaoke lounge downtown. He said it was fine by me if I invited a couple of friends to have a few last drinks with. Kate couldn’t come but she called the bar and offered to pick up my tab... I was already drunk (around a Graceland-level but not yet Living-on-a-Prayer drunk) when I found this out. So, naturally, there were some rounds of shots. I heavily depended on my stepbrother to get me home and bless him for walking me all the way to the apartment and making sure I locked my door after getting inside. In that state, it didn’t occur to me to check the balance and pay it down a little since I was being pretty liberal with Kate’s generous offer (a vague and haunting recollection of leading a chant of ‘shots, shots, shots.’)

She called wondering if the amount could be correct. It was. I mean that it corresponds to how I feel. I offered to give her money, which she declined, but I feel awful on awful, as mentioned. More reason to cheer for this embryo next week. A pregnancy will surely get me out of trouble!

Feb 15th, 2019

Transfer Day!

Kate picked me up to take me downtown to the appointment. All seems forgiven around the bar tab incident. She gave me a gift basket filled with all kinds of goodies, a few pregnancy tests, and some very sweet and thoughtful notes from her family. Everyone is so excited but trying to mitigate expectations since it’s only about a 50/50 chance it will even work out. I got robes, socks, and an adorable surgical bonnet. Kate was able to come into the suite with me. The doctor introduced me to the nurse and gave me a brief rundown of what was going to unfold. He said the chosen embryo was retrieved from storage yesterday and began cellular division as soon as it was put in a development medium. They float the embryo in an air bubble to insert it via catheter into my uterus. Kate was nervously talking away and trying to distract me. Personally, it’s better if I just try and breathe through these things. I finally asked her to zip-it after she complimented my belly button. Now it makes me smile, but at that moment it was too much for me. Haha. When the Doctor was ready for placement he loudly asked, “Dudley are you ready?” at which point I asked Kate who Dudley was and if he could see my vagina. Dudley is the lab tech who releases the embryo into the catheter and no, she said, he worked on the other side of a window. Was she placating me? I don’t know, however, I feel as though he should have been introduced to me beforehand, so I wasn't left wondering. Spread-eagle in front of doctors and nurses is one thing, spread-eagle in front of a random lab tech is another.

I’ve been instructed to take it easy for the next few days. I’m hanging out and thinking sticky thoughts about this embryo. I could take a test as early as 10 days from now...I’m going to have to resist the urge and let the clinic confirm whether this was a success. With Ozzy, the first two pee-stick tests came back negative, and then my sister bought me a fancy digital one which finally came back positive so I have to remind Kate there might not be enough of the hormone yet.

Feb 20, 2019

From limbo,

Everyone keeps asking if I feel pregnant. And yes, I sure do, but I felt that way before the transfer because of the hormones. Sore breasts, hungry, lethargic, resisting the urge to deeply inhale the man smell of my male friends and colleagues. Damn, hormones are crazy powerful. I have been steadily putting on weight since the injections began. My pants are starting to feel tight already and I may not even be pregnant yet. I received a gift card for Harvey's right after I confessed that I’m having buffalo chicken poutine cravings...mmm......

Feb 26, 2019

Confession,

I took a test. My appointment is not till tomorrow, but I had them here in the gift basket, so I decided to pee on one. Negative. I didn’t tell Kate...there might not be enough if the hormone yet. You can only trust a positive result on one of these tests, false negatives happen all the time. I remain hopeful.

Feb 27, 2019

Went for blood work and an ultrasound today. The doctor should call later to let me know. I wonder if they tell the I.P.s first or if I will find out first...

The nurse just called. The transfer was unsuccessful. The embryo did not implant. I’m to stop the injections and expect to menstruate. She said she relayed the information to the I.P.s already. I’m going to give it a bit of time before I call Kate. Feeling like a failure and it’s hard not to get emotional with all these hormones controlling me.

March 3, 2019

Hey!

Kate wants to switch directions. We’ve been working with one doctor who has an air about him that neither of us much like. She told me she saw another doctor in the same clinic when she first got home from California who she likes much better and who has agreed to take her, and me, on. I’m feeling better now that I’ve had a bit of time away from all the meds and I wonder if they are all necessary. I asked Kate to find out if there are any alternatives to the method we tried, maybe one with a more natural approach, considering my cycle looked good last time. I also wondered if the fact that I’m not having sex right now might impact a potential pregnancy...could my body just be smart enough to flush out what it must register as alien debris? I’m hoping to have a candid conversation with the new doctor who sounds much more approachable than the other guy was.

April 11, 2019

Hi,

Kate is doing some more testing for the embryos. I asked if we could wait a bit for the next round anyway. Summer is coming and I want to get back to feeling myself. I’m back in the gym most mornings now and starting to shake off the extra pounds. I’m still feeling like a little romance might be nice...but dangerous as I’m the type that falls hard and fast and I can’t see getting into a relationship just to call it off or try to convince someone to stay with me while I carry a quick baby for someone else. I’ve made some jokes about it only to find out a lot of guys are really attracted to pregnant women. Maybe just this once I can go in search of fun over building an actual connection? Looks like it’ll be the summer of Cristen this year!

July 30, 2019

Hey,

I’ve had to keep a separate journal for my adventures with the men of Tinder because let me tell you – online dating is its own unique world. Three terrible Daves and a solid Russ later I’m ready to start the surrogacy adventure again. Blood work and monitoring starts next week and this time around we are working with almost half the meds. Should be a better experience for me.

August 15, 2019

Day one of fun beings again! I’m very hopeful this round will be a success. I’ve been active and eating well and feeling in a more peaceful place. I’m ready for pregnancy - and if it is unsuccessful again, I’m ready to move towards the next chapter of my life. Kate understands if it doesn’t work why I’ll choose not to continue. The new doctor has been incredibly understanding as well and treats me very respectfully. I’ll begin the progesterone support in a few days and then if my fluffy lining impacts the way they want we will arrive at transfer day.

Aug 30,

Transfer Day!

The doctor almost called it off because my lining wasn't doing what they wanted. But at the last minute he decided to proceed and while I was in position, he said the lining did impact to the measurement they want, so transfer day was saved! Kate was quiet in her hopeful nervousness today. Ozzy is with his dad all weekend, so my plan is to lie back and insist this embryo do its implanting thing. Come on: stick, stick, stick!

Sept 20, 2019

Hello,

It’s taken me a while to fill in this entry. As you can guess, the transfer was unsuccessful. I’ve written an amazing pitch for Kate and Jeff to continue their journey in search of another surrogate. They are bummed, obviously, but as promised they have not lost hope. I have moments of an almost overwhelming urge to say let's try one last time, but since all is said and done, I’m excited to find out what is next for me. Counseling has been essential though even as I write that I feel my sessions with Dr. Dan might be wrapping up. I wonder if I graduate myself out of counseling or if it’s a mutual decision? I’ll think it out loud in one of our next sessions and see if he laughs. I’ll bring any future news about Kate’s journey right back here. Hopefully, this is just the beginning for her.

June 18, 2020

Surrogacy Journal!!

The things that have happened since my last entry here! Oi. Disasters in my dating life are nothing compared to a whole ass pandemic! I was out of work for a solid six months between the clinic being shut down and then my sweet Ozzy-bear needing care while trying to complete grade one through virtual classes. There is a whole separate journal for that...As promised I bring news of Kate’s journey! The girls all snuck out of town for a cottage weekend we all desperately needed since being in lockdown forever...anyways, Kate has been in talks with an amazing human from Edmonton who has just agreed to be their surrogate! Honestly, she sounds really cool, and I am only a tad bit jealous of the fast bond they have clearly formed. She meets all the criteria even though she is far away, so the ball is rolling now with the expected delays of this covid crap. I have, several times, been thankful not to be carrying a pregnancy during this pandemic. Hospitals are overrun and there is no room for me to have had proper support from Kate. Never mind the unexpected financial strain of not being able to work.

I did meet Pat though...things are going very well. I don’t know if I’ve ever been with anyone who thinks so similarly to me. Part of me is offended at not being as original a thinker as I thought before meeting him. We went on our first date right before the shit hit the fan. Our server waited till he went to the washroom to ask me what the deal was. When I told her “first date” her eyebrows raised, and she smiled. “It sounds like so much fun over here”. Yes, and it’s continued, he has been super amazing through this crazy pandemic. He is the kind of overtly loving and caring person I have wanted to be with. I can’t help but think the timing wouldn’t have worked out if I was successful in surrogacy. Maybe there is a reason for the way things happen, or don’t, after all?

I’ll keep you posted!

June 28, 2021,

Ahhh!!! Journal, I’m so excited and emotional. Kate’s surrogate is pregnant! She is due in December. I’m so incredibly happy for her that all my jealous feelings are gone. It helps that, in the last year, my life has developed into something that is truly worth living. None of this would have happened if I became pregnant during the surrogacy attempts. Pat and I have moved in together and he has bonded so well with Ozzy. We are living in Don Mills of all places! Full circle. And our amazing house has a beautiful little studio where I have started a flourishing private practice. Pat’s Dad, Grampa Len, is here with us and our two dogs and Natasha the snake. Pat has only ever pushed me to be my own best version. I am so in love and so well loved in return. Everything happens for a reason. Kate’s 40th birthday is next week and she plans on making the big announcement about the pregnancy then.

I hope everything goes well for her and her surrogate - and the baby because, good lord, it’s been 7 years of fertility struggles and heartaches. I will let you know!

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About the Creator

C.D. Hoyle

C.D. Hoyle is a writer who is also a manual therapist, business owner, mother, co-parent, and partner. You will find her writing sometimes gritty, most times poignant, and almost always a little funny. C.D. Hoyle lives in Toronto.

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