It Is Well

It has been 682 days without you. 682 days without your laughter, without your advice, without your love here physically in this house. The last 682 days have been the hardest 682 days of my life. No one ever teaches you about the hard lessons of life, like losing your mother. One day you are asking her how to get your contacts and about pink eye and the next she's gone. I think the one thing that these last 682 days have taught me is how to be strong, how to love fiercely without asking questions and how to live every day like it might be my last. I had 24 magnificent years with my mom, and a lifetime of memories. But there's a few things I wish I had known before that I learned along the way from God, including how to have enough faith in Him.

1. Trusting in God isn't just when things go bad, it's a 24/7, 365 days kind of deal.

I was raised as a Christian, grew up in church, and fully and wholeheartedly believe in God; don't get me wrong... But when my mom died, I had a lot of questions that I would never fully process or understand, and for that I had to trust in God and still do.

2. You are allowed to have bad days.

Everyone has bad days, but when you go through something traumatic, the bad days seem like they will never end. I have had a lot of bad days, but in the last 682 days they always seem like they are never going to end. I was once told "You are allowed to have bad days, you are allowed to feel these things." I always felt selfish for having bad days, because I was not the only one who lost their mom, and for that I felt bad. I still do sometimes, if I am being completely honest.

3. You will miss her every day, but she will forever be with you.

When I think about all I have done in 682 days, it baffles me how I have. I miss my mom every single day, every single second, but I know she is with me through it all, and somewhat proud of me.

4. Every day does NOT get easier.

People kept telling me it gets easier as time goes on, and I think that is just something people say to make someone feel better because as time has gone on, it hurts even more. Things get harder, I cry more, and my bad days seem to last longer.

Losing a parent is something you are not taught in grade school or by anyone. But by losing a parent, it teaches you a lot of things you thought you would never have to learn. Would I bring my mom back? No, and that is a hard question to answer. She is playing the piano up in heaven, loving on us from up above. Yes, I miss her and would love for her to be here. There are moments in my life that I wish she was here for physically, but I know she will be here through them all with me. I was once watching Teresa Caputo and I think in one episode or something she said when you get chills, that could be a sign of your loved one passing through you or giving you a hug... So here's to hoping my mom is proud of me, and for all the "heavenly" hugs I may get. I miss her more than words, but she is in a much better place. I love you to the moon and back. Go out and dance, go out and sing.

<3