It Breathes

No one ever comes here anymore. I don't know why though. There's always such a calm that this place brings. No matter what I'm going through, I can find peace here. For some reason, I just can't stay away from our old barn, Barn Del Fleur.

The outer walls have darkened with age and weathering many rain and snow storms. Tornadoes couldn't even knock this old girl down. Grandpa Jenkins build her back in the late 1950's and named her Barn Del Fleur after beautiful flowering vines started creeping up her walls all the way up to the roof. Every week I would pluck off a few vines and braid them into flower crowns for me and my mom. She used to love them. I miss her.

Today I'm going out to visit the barn again. I rub my hand across the wall all the way to the door, feeling every bump, vine and crevasse along the way. Some of them fall away and break. And I can't count how many times I've gotten splinters from doing that. Mom was always there to get them out and kiss the pain away and cuddled me while we sat on the hay platform inside.

Its been a while since I've been inside. I open the door and I'm greeted by long, dusty spiderwebs trying to catch themselves onto my hair. I breath in the musty, damp smell of age and my eyes begin to water. Not because the smell is so strong, but because so many happy memories flood my mind. Early morning sunlight drips through the tattered roof, so I find a warm spot to rest and I push together some hay into a pile. I grab the blanket that me and mom used to lay on and put it on the hay pile.

A wind starts to blow into the many cracks and holes throughout the barn making the rope pulley sway, squeak and creak in the breeze. As I lay down, I let out a deep sigh and close my eyes..... and it happens again. Did the barn just sigh too?

I pop my eyes back open and sit up so fast that I make myself dizzy. After the dizziness fades, I look around the barn. All is still except for the wind chime me and mom had dad put up just before... just....... before... it... happened. Tears begin to fall as I think about what grandpa told me: "Sometimes when a person 'leaves' suddenly they can't fully 'go' if they still have a strong bond with someone or something to tell them. Finding out what it is may help them 'rest'."

Grandpa's words rang in my ears like a broken record player. I've never listened to him in that area before. But now that mom is.... is.... she's.... gone, I don't know. Could this be real? How could I even do that without a picture of her or anything? It's so hard for me to envision her sometimes.

He always said that if I needed to "see", I had to think of the most happy and loving memory I could think of. At first it was really hard to do, but another breeze swished through the barn causing the wind chime to sing once again. I stood up and walked to the middle of the barn, standing directly under it. I close my eyes and take in a deep breath, letting it out slowly. The memory started to fill my mind, warming my heart and making me smile.

"Come on mom! Daddy said he was gonna help us with it today!"

A little girl excitedly squealed as she burst open the doors and ran into the barn, holding a woman's hand and dragging her along.

"Slow down, my little Fleur! We can't start until he gets here so there's no need to rush!"

The woman said as she laughed and knelt down to the little girl. Her voice and laughter was like silk caressing your skin to heal your wounds. I know that voice!

"Mom?" I said in a whisper. But there was no response.

"MOM?!" I yelled and still no reaction. She can't hear me.

My face felt warm all of a sudden and I reached my hand up to my cheek and realized that tears had started pouring from my eyes. My mom was in front of me but she didn't know I existed.

The little girl jumped into my mom's arms and squeezed her little arms around her neck. My mom squeezed back. Jealousy began to build up in my core until I got a good look at the little girl.

"Is that... is that... ME?!" I said aloud.

It was then that I realized what memory I pulled myself into: the day we put up the wind chime. I can't think of a day that I was happier. (I was only about ten years old at the time, judging by my ponytails and overalls I loved to wear back then. I was the spitting image of my mom). But it also made me sad because this was the last day that mom and dad were together. The last day that I saw mom. And I still blame myself.

I climbed up onto the hay platform and then up to the higher rafters in the farm so I could get the best view of this memory. I wanted the happiness to last for as long as possible and take in every bit of it.

My mom was so beautiful. She had the smoothest caramel skin, eyes that sparkled like black diamonds, and a smile that could melt the coldest heart. Her hair was like the softest cloud and she usually wore it in an afro pushed back by a strip of material she made into a headband. She was only about five feet, but her personality made her larger than life. And she had the biggest heart, making people gravitate to her and want to be around her. She was very much loved. And is truly and deeply missed.

My admiration of my mom was interrupted by a strong but gentle voice that huffed at the barn's entrance,

"You know, you two could help me bring this stuff in there."

My dad pushed the barn doors open with his backside, walking in backwards, arms full of different sized tubes clanging together making a racket. He dropped what looked like a plate with rings in holes around the edge and a big hook on top.

He's a burly, strong man of about six and a half feet tall with jet black curly hair and a scruffy beard. Both had a few greys peaking out here and there. He usually had a straight or what people would call "mean" face, but he's really just a big ol' teddy bear, especially when it came to me and mom.

He walked into the barn and raised one of his perfectly curved eyebrows and narrowed his eyes at me and my mom in silence and we stared back at him. All of a sudden we all burst out in laughter and he dropped the wind chime stuff then picked up both me and mom and hugged us. I laid on his chest and breathed in his cologne. I loved that scent.

"OK now. Let's get to work!" Dad said.

Me and mom nodded as dad put us down and we picked up the parts of the wind chime and laid them out. Then dad went and got the ladder to put it in place. Mom already chose a spot to hang up the wind chime. Like an assembly line, when dad asked for a part, I handed it to mom and she handed it to dad.

In no time we were done and as if to celebrate, a breeze came through the barn, filling the air with the sweet song of the wind chime. Dad hugged mom from behind and mom reached up behind her and hugged him with one arm around his neck. I was so happy that I was jumping around, flailing my arms and squealing.

I was so distracted that I didn't notice that my hand caught my mom's necklace with a locket on it, popping the thin chain and sending the locket flying. I only stopped when dad held both my arms to my sides and called my name,

"Little Fleur, STOP!" he boomed

I froze, not knowing what happened and then saw mom frantically flinging hay, blankets and feed every which way in the barn, almost shouting,

"Where is it? Where is it? Did you see where it went?!"

I was still oblivious until I looked over at mom once dad let me go and went to console mom. Her locket was gone. Tears welled up in the eyes of my little self and big self as I remember that day. Mom looked up towards the rafter I was perched on and our eyes met each others gaze. And with sadness in her eyes, she tilted her head up ever so slightly, as if she was nodding to something, but then she started to fade. Can she see me now?! I felt so bad and I thought that was the reason why mom... why she.... she....died.

Not knowing then that she was already sick and how sick she was ate me up everyday. She passed before we could find the locket. That's why I came back everyday. I wanted to find it.

Everything faded back into the present and I realized I was kneeling on the rafter instead of sitting like I was originally. I let my body relax and I sat down, leaning back on the wall. I shifted a little and felt something poking me under the hay. I pushed aside the hay and stuck in the wooden plank was something I never thought I would see again, mom's locket!

As I opened it and looked at the picture of my mom and dad, I felt the barn "breath" its biggest sigh for the last time and it had been silent ever since. Finding this locket brought peace to me and my father and that loving memory of my mom lead me to it. I'm so grateful to have it now and I wear it everyday in her memory.