IS ADULTERY A PHASE IN A MARRIAGE?

As I write this piece, I'm still wondering about this issue of adultery and the idea of it being a phase in a marriage. It's such an important and big concept..too big for just a few minutes of contemplation or a few hours of conversation or even the longest blog post.

What does adultery being a phase even mean? I've been asking myself this for the past few hours and the same feeling of deflation and pity and disgust hasn't left me since I read the comments under a blog story of how a renown actor cheated on his wife and married his adultery partner. Many of the people expressed pity and gave unsolicited advice to the embattled first wife. I could feel and understand the genuine sympathy mostly expressed in form of advice but as I kept reading, it felt as though my heart sank with every comment. What struck me the most was the particular comment that adultery is just a phase in a marriage that will pass and as such the wife shouldn't leave. Some even went ahead to threaten the wife, who they don't even know personally, that if she leaves her now polygamous husband she will always regret it. Others emphatically stated that she shouldn't abandon all the years of labor for another woman to enjoy.

"Don't you dare leave your husband just because he married another wife! Only a foolish woman would leave her husband just because he became polygamous." A certain Onuoha stated. "It's not even as if he's beating you sef. Stay and fight in your marriage. That Jezebel will soon leave but if you go now, she will win." Another commented.

What I noticed is that many of these comments were coming from women.

There were several other comments along the lines of the ones above but let's dig into these ones and come to an understanding.

First, there is no guarantee that adultery is a phase that will pass away. What's the assurance that the adulterous man or woman will stop their nefarious activity..especially before they catch a sexually transmitted disease! What's the assurance that they won't marry again after you stayed with them, despite their marrying a second wife? Is the good wife expected to sit still and pretty-tempered, while waiting for the second wife to go? If her husband marries a third wife, is she still expected to hold on to a polygamous marriage she did not bargain for? How much is too much, dear society? How long is too long? I genuinely want to know. What if the adulterous man or his second wife cheats again and catches a sexually transmitted disease? Is the first wife still suppose to sit still and receive the STD? Are you about to argue that if she knows that her husband and the second wife are stepping out, then she should leave? Alright, what if she isn't aware? What if she is still believing that her husband only has sex with his two wives and then she gets the STD? What then will be said! More than that, how will she cope..especially if she gets HIV! Will society's applause cure her of the virus?

Second, what exactly will the first wife be winning if she stays? Wait, will she be competing with the second wife? So, is it advisable for a woman who signed up for a monogamous marriage to endure her husband marrying another woman in the name of waiting for the second wife to leave? What if she doesn't leave? Even if she does leave, what exactly will the first wife be winning! If her husband could marry a second one, without her approval, what's the assurance that he won't marry another one! So, if this is the kind of prize one has to endure an unhappy polygamous marriage to get, is it worth it?

Third, what of the woman's inner emotional health? She's a Christian and as such did not sign up for a polygamous home! Doesn't anyone care about how she would feel knowing that her husband of many years whom she has supported, been devoted to, embraced, accepted and sacrificed a lot for is finding passion and emotional commitment with another woman? Is being a wife slavery? Is it punishment? Should it only be filled with sacrificing and emotional turmoil and unhappiness? Is it wrong for a wife to experience joy, happiness, love, respect and commitment filled with care and affection with her husband? Some people said she should console herself with her children! Is that what God created marriage for? Ok, what will she console herself with when her children are all married? Who will she console herself with when her children all live away from her? Well, that's marriage for a woman, abi? But who says it has to be like that? In the beginning it was not so! And it shouldn't be so!

Think of it this way. Imagine a monogamous marriage as a business partnership. How would you feel if you entered a business with the agreement that both of you would be fair, honest and supportive towards each other, with no external partners being included in the partnership. And then, your business partner decides to start taking more of the profits and worse, he or she decides to sign off an amount of his or her shares to someone else without asking you first. How would you feel about this? Would you advise the person to keep contributing earnestly to that partnership? Or would you advice them to cut their losses and move forward in a positive direction.

Marriage is more than a business partnership. It is way more than just money or sex or vacations or children or in-laws or being couple goals. It is important to consider how situations in a marriage affect the children involved but it is also important to consider how the mother and father are affected.

You cannot give your best when you are not feeling your best. Like it or not, children CAN tell when their parents are unhappy and this can affect them in the long-run!

I acknowledge that some marriages can bounce back after adultery. But what I'm trying to make clear is that adultery shouldn't be seen as a phase in a marriage. A marriage does not and should not have to suffer adultery. Especially consistent adultery! And in the situation of consistent adultery, why should people stylishly force a woman to stay with the excuse that she should console herself with her children! What will she console herself with when she is sixty and stuck with a husband that she probably resents! In addition to the fact that a negative example of how a marriage should be would have been set and showcased to the innocent children. Which would affect them longer than a 'phase' is said to be.

May God help and strengthen us to make wise decisions before and during marriage.

Amen.