Interview With A Birth Mother

This is Part Two of a series. If you'd like to read Part One, see the link at the end of the article.

Adoption is a topic that’s often glossed over, talked around, or swept under the rug. In recent years, there has been a significant movement for more openness surrounding the topic, particularly when it comes to the people who gave birth and chose adoption. I sat down with a birth mother who gave me permission to ask anything I was curious about, and we talked about her experience.

SK: What shocked you the most about the adoption process?

Oh, wow. [pause] That’s a really good question. I’d say how much of the adoption itself is still in limbo, even after you’ve signed all the paperwork. In other words, the adoption paperwork is technically finalized, but there’s still so much information you don’t have. I remember signing the papers thinking I would never see my child again. That wasn’t the case, but I didn’t know that then. I assume my questions would have been answered if I’d asked, but first of all I wasn't in any state to ask them, and second I wouldn’t have had any idea what to ask. But looking back at adoption day, the fact that I had no idea what my actual adoption would look like, moving forward, is really shocking. We figured it out as we went, as I think most people do, but I really had no idea how much of it would be left up to us once the official stuff was complete.

SK: So there’s no official -- I hate to say contract -- no official agreement on what your relationship with the child and parents will be?

No, no -- at least not for mine. I can’t stress enough how different every adoption is, so there might be people out there with contracts -- agreements, wherever you want to call them. But not ours. A contract isn’t something I was offered or would have thought to ask for, honestly. I don’t personally know anyone who has one, but I’m sure they exist.

SK: Would you choose to have one now, looking back? If it had been offered?

No way. I don’t know what I would have done if I’d been offered it at that moment, obviously, feeling so uncertain and nervous about the whole thing. But looking back, no. I’m lucky, because I have a good relationship with my child’s parents. I think because of that, it would feel extremely invasive to have my relationship with them dictated by the number of times they had to see me per year, or how many months could pass without sharing pictures, or something. I’m glad I don’t have one, because now I know they hang out with me because we’ve actually built a relationship, not because of some paperwork. But I’d imagine if your relationship was uncomfortable or contentious, it might be a useful mediation tool.

SK: I have some questions about terminology. For instance, I’ve heard you use the term “birth parents” or “my child’s parents,” but I’ve also heard “natural parents” or “first parents.” Are those okay to use, or do they all mean different things? Are any of them offensive?

They all mean the same thing; they’re just different ways to refer to the person who gave birth to the child and/or their partner. They exist because in adoption you often need to differentiate which parent you’re talking about; the biological parent or the adoptive parent. “Biological parents” is the clearest one, I guess. This is one of those things that’s going to change depending on who you ask. Some people have really strong feelings about which term to use; I tend to use “birth parents” or “birth mother,” mostly because it’s the term my adoption agency used. I use “my child’s parents” because it feels more personal than “adoptive parents,” but they’re both fine. The only one of these I don’t personally like is “natural parents,” because I think it implies that adoptive parents are unnatural in some way. But as a general rule I’d say they’re okay to use; they’re basically interchangeable depending on your preference.

SK: Is there other terminology you remember learning when you joined the adoption community?

Oh man, I didn’t even know the term “birth mother!” [laughs] There was a lot to pick up, and fast.

I remember there were a bunch of terms I hated when it came to the actual adoption paperwork. Adoption includes a legal element, for obvious reasons, and the terms they used were painful. “Surrender” your parental rights, “sever” the legal relationship, “relinquish” the child, and so on. They’re just legal terms, but they feel cruel in such a vulnerable moment.

The other big one, just offhand, was “adoption triad.” I heard it quite a few times before I understood what it meant. The adoption triad is the three parties involved in an adoption: birth parents, adoptive parents, child.

SK: The big question: who do you tell about your adoption story? Does your family know? Do you mention it when adoption comes up?

I’ve told a mix; some friends, some family members. I tell people as I feel comfortable. As for bringing it up, no, not generally. People bringing up adoption is fairly rare, unless it’s a joke about giving their kid up for adoption or something. I usually keep it to myself unless I think I can really connect with someone over it. But usually my story feels too complicated and private to just throw it out there, I guess. That said, I do know birth mothers who tell everyone who will listen. It’s a personal choice, and there’s no wrong answer.

SK: You mentioned people making jokes about adoption. Are there any that are particularly hurtful? Are there any you actually think are funny?

Oh, yikes, it probably depends on my mood. If it’s an average day, they’re fine. It doesn’t usually bother me. But if it’s a day where I’m really missing my child, jokes about adoption do not amuse me. People saying, “Oh, my kid was throwing a tantrum, I’m going to give him up for adoption,” or “He’s so different from his siblings, he must be adopted,” stuff like that. I usually smile and let it go, but some days those suck to hear. It isn’t usually the jokes that get to me, though, it’s those random offhand comments people make that are the most hurtful.

SK: Like what, if you don’t mind me asking? What do people say?

Well, first there’s the things people say when adoption does come up, which can be anything from commenting on unplanned pregnancies being “irresponsible” to saying things like, “I could never give away my baby.” People say it so casually, like they have any idea what that experience or decision is like. Like we just handed off our children to whoever walked by. It’s such a complicated and emotional process, and it changes you for life. It’s not a transaction, you know? You don’t place your child with a family and then just move on like nothing happened.

And then there’s the innocent comments people make without thinking, like “you’ll understand when you have kids,” or asking if you have kids, all that. It’s uncomfortable for a birth mother, because we do have kids, but often no one knows about them. So what are we supposed to say when people ask? Yet another reason to stop asking people when or if they’re having kids!

SK: How could people do better with that? What would you say to them?

Well, just like anything else, it’s about thinking before you speak, and having empathy. You don’t know what people have been through. You don’t know their experiences. I guess I would say: try not to make comments or judgements about situations you haven’t experienced.

This is Part Two. Missed part One? CLICK HERE to read.

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