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Inside a Mom's Brain

by Christina DeFeo 2 months ago in humanity

WTF … Time to declutter

Part 1

I wrote this when I felt the most overwhelmed today. It is scattered, it is unedited, it is a raw piece of mom's brain during meltdowns, working from home, and trying to maintain my sanity...

All I do is argue with children and adults. Why can’t people be more considerate? Even the children, oh that’s right, I have to teach them how to be considerate while tolerating and stay calm during their inconsiderateness. Staying calm? Something a must do for all moms, at all times even while multitasking. Who else can do that? Multitasking? Moms are GRANDMASTERS.

The most used phrase in my house is use your words! I have a very whiny 2 year old who is an excellent listener, but refuses to listen consistently. Repetition, repetition, repetition.

I understand you’re frustrated, but I cannot help if you do not use your words.

Now, my 4 -month old is crying. Make a bottle and feed her.

The 2 year old decides to use words and scream “mommy help” but begins to scream cry because I cannot get there fast enough. He threw something. I stopped feeding the baby, and now she is crying. My 6 year old wants water. Job phone is ringing. Oh is that the baby pooping?

Answer the job phone and I instantly get yelled at for not answering quick enough and because they still have not received their paperwork. Last name please?

Sent.

Change the poop diaper.

My 2 year old needs help again, I think a car is stuck.

Job phone ringing.

I know someone is asking, “Where is the father? Where is her support?”

Working because you pressured him back. Remember, why is their Dad at home? Shouldn’t he be working? A stay at home dad? Scoffs. Now, where is your follow up to check on how we are doing now that he is back? Oh I shouldn’t have had children? I thought I was getting old, you don't want kids, grandkids, nieces, nephews, cousins, play dates, my clock is ticking, I am a woman that’s my job, I can’t be selfish, now juggle everything while I forget about you... Am I really forgotten? Or am I just overwhelmed?

And yet moms are belittled, downplayed, under estimated, taken advantage of because that is our job? The children have an excuse, it is my job to teach them, but adults? What is their excuse?

The pressure is always on by everyone else, but no one ever checks up on a mom after that. When are you going back to work? Your family needs money. Do you call when that mom goes back to work to check how she is handling things? When do you plan on having another one? This one needs a sibling and your clock is ticking. Do you check up on that mom after she does decide to have another to check how she is handling things or even offer help after all your pressures? Oh! Can’t handle it? Should not have had another one. But last year you said …

But why are you listening to what others say anyway? Think for yourself.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?!

Now, let’s add a dash of full time work in the mix because moms need to work too as being a stay at home mom is no work at all. Some older women talk and give advice like they did not go through the same exact same scenario we are in now. How could they forget such a tumultuous time in their lives?

Did I just see a bottle of Covid drop into our pot mix???? Just throw the whole world out …

How do you explain to a 4 month old that her mother’s maternity leave is over and she won’t be getting as much attention anymore? I just have to sit and listen to her cry for me while I take my work call from the other room? How do I explain to my 2 year old that mommy can’t take him to the park at 2pm anymore because I’m working again? How do I console that tantrum while the job phone rings, the 4 month old is hungry, and the 6 year old doesn’t want to do her math pages? From 98% of angles, a mom gets crying, frustration, tantrums, arguments, negativity, talk back, talk down, disrespect...where is the love, the support, the understanding, the help???

HOLY SHIT THIS CONNECTION!!! Don’t get me started on this Wi-Fi. I can’t write or work properly if I’m lagging and freezing every 10 seconds. Please hold …

Part 2

It is 10:05pm, all 3 kids are finally sleeping ::BIG SIGH:: now for some coherent thoughts...maybe

From young we are taught right from wrong, respect vs disrespect. We are taught not to tolerate disrespect and to give respect to others. Meanwhile, when we become parents, specifically mothers, we are expected to take all forms of disrespect while maintaining a smile, and a cool, calm, collected demeanor. How does a person stay sane when their life’s standards are being tested, pushed, and thrown out the window all day? Staying cool, calm, and collected while things are thrown at you, food is a toy, drinks are spilled, diapers are thrown, and they laugh in your face. I need to be the example for them so, in turn, they know how to act. Isn’t that borderline sociopathic because I am pretending to be cool, calm, and collected in order to teach them to be that in stressful situations? What if they pick up that mommy is lying? Am I indirectly teaching them to be liars or to push their feelings aside to deal with other people’s meltdowns?

Motherhood is HARD. Yea, I finally said it, but I’ve held back on saying it because the response is going to be, “Have more kids, why don’t ya”. Do you know what that does to a person? It makes them blame themselves, for everything. Everything goes wrong, feels wrong, so it must be wrong. I must be wrong. It’s hard not to feel guilty. Guilty about losing my cool, guilty about working and telling them mommy can’t right now when I used to be able to. Guilty that I am forced to teach my 6 year old independence because I’m overwhelmed. Does that mean if I wasn’t overwhelmed I would be one of those moms that cater to her every request resulting in a dependent adult?

Nope. Absolutely not. I am learning as a mother, the way my kids are learning as children. This is my first time being a mother, being a mother of multiples, and trying to run a household, keep my career, while maintaining a social and romantic life and can’t forget about myself and self care because that should be number 1. What upsets me the most is that I know and I understand. I know what needs to be done and how it should be done. I know I come first in order to care for my children properly, but it’s hard to delegate the time when there are so many other pressing issues. I make time for what needs to be done now, everything else can wait...and it always does. It keeps waiting until I get to it. I do so much and yet I feel I do not do enough because what I really want to get done, I push aside. I think so much about what I want to do that I’m too tired to actually do it when free time comes. Then I just continue to complain, it's a vicious cycle.

One thing is for sure, I will always find time to write. Is that because I truly want to? Or is it because it actually helps relax and calm me down?

Writing helps me figure out my problems. As I write, my brain declutters and begins to become nice again. I love myself again and tell myself how much I overreact and become anxious during stressful situations. I try to remind myself to remind myself during meltdowns that this is just temporary. It’s completely ok to feel overwhelmed, anxious, and stressed, but it’s not ok to put myself down about it. The right thing is usually the harder choice to make and it’s so easy to give in to negativity and harmful self behavior. This kind of advice is usually rejected because it is felt emotions and feelings are being invalidated, but feelings are never wrong, the way you respond to those feelings may.

Feeling overwhelmed, stressed, anxious, sad, guilty, lazy, or tired does not make you a bad mom. They say all that makes you a good mom, but why does a mother have to prove her worth by how crazy she goes?

Truth is, it doesn’t make you a good or bad mom, it makes you a human being like the rest of the world. Humans are very weird. We all go through the same experiences at different points in our lives and yet we are so judgmental and critical. We are stressed because of the pressures we put on ourselves as a result from the pressures from the world around us. I strive to be the least judgmental person I can be. I know what it feels like so I try not to make others feel that way. I will always push through and be better than I was yesterday because I know my children will recognize that. They will come to see that I was only doing my best at what I thought was best for them.

Part 3

After I have reread and edited the above

As I mentioned above at some point, writing declutters my brain allowing for ideas and solutions to find their way through. My day job is a big contributor to my stress. I was happier on my maternity leave being free from a 9-5 and even happier when I found Vocal and started writing for the world to read. Everything takes time and I know I am headed in the right direction as long as I keep writing.

Amen

humanity

Christina DeFeo

A mom looking to express and lose herself in some imagination.

Facebook: @TinaChrisTheBookkeeper

Instagram @TinaChris_thewriter

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