In the beginning there was Me

I have wanted to write again for a long time but life kept getting in my way. Kept giving me new things to write about. I must say I have had a full life. Even though most of it has been hard to deal with. I handled it as well as one could.

Background, a little anyway. I grew up not knowing I was Black. Had no clue at all what that even meant for me. I didnt even once I found out it was a thing. It wasn't like it was something to discuss at dinner. Born in 1962, was a weird time to be alive. But being black it a weird time anytime. My mother and father were apart of the first blacks to go to white schools. Seems like that should have been so long before my time but it wasn't. Mother even picked cotton she was from the boot hills of Missouri,Portageville. My dad was from right here in Springfield Mo. We lived here off and on, while my Dad was off attending school or fighting in the war. He was a Marine Captain. We lived on base for the most part. I never really thought much about the fact that I was the only black child. I didn't even notice. I only noticed after moved her and I was at Woolworth and a man said, Nigger come one as I walked though the door. I had no idea even what that meant. But, the sound of his voice scared me. It made me think about the moment, I had a friend and she wanted to stay all night with me. My dad laughed and said, "Go see if you can stay all night with her!" I recall her asking her dad and he didn't seem to like the idea very much. But, I never knew why until that day. It was never explained to me that I was a black child who could not be friends in a normal way with white children. I did not understand why. I just had to learn from that day that I would always be treated different.

Growing up in Springfield Mo, is not like growing up black in a community of those for the most part look like you. I grew up where few look like you and those that do are related to you or related to someone related to you. We did not have bad life here. It was really rather nice, we had our own area we stayed and what great with that. Had a park we could go to and be safe. We could just go to any park. To make sure we had a park that gave a us a grave yard. Don't worry we think they took the bodies out. We not sure though, gets creepy and foggy at night.

Was not a ot to do. There was a lot of house parties and BBQs. I use to love how the family would all go to the drive inn on weekends. We were once really all very close but that too is over and done with. Child hood was not always very happy. There were fights, parents... sure the military stressed out my dad as well has my mom. The crap my dad had to live up to being a black officer in the 60's, also put pressure on my mom to be a certain way. Which also meant I had to be a certain was as well. Like, don't dare say Yeah... might loose teeth. And yes, it was pretty strick. I didn't really see my dad very much as a child nor as an adult. My parents divorced when I was 9. And all hell broke loose in my life. I was truly in a den of lions after that. Wasnt safe in the first place but now NOT AT ALL. Now, instead of being molested every so many years, It then became every weekend. Every weekend, I thought my out was got working. I later found just dropped off so her and whom ever could go have fun. I finally figured out that was wrongly done. Yet damaged had been done. Complexes had been set in place. My voice had already been silence. All I knew is this would not have happened under my dad's watch. Not because anything was wrong with my mother. Just I would not have been left in harms way, there been no need. I suffered in silence. We began to attend church, there was a discussion about family and molestation, I knew then this was what was happening to me. At 12 then I had already been confused by what had been happening, was afraid to stop him. He would be violent with me and it was only seen as he was protecting me. I thought that maybe someone would notice. But, as they do not now they did not notice my pain.

By time I hit 15, 20 days before 16 birthday on New Years Eve I was raped. Was my X boyfriend friend. I had been drinking A LOT, and went out for air. And passed out in the snow. He came along said, he wanted to help. But, that help turned into hell. But, is as the above stories to go deeper into in another chapter. Local, family here and family that I like. They would never have given a shit. My mother was in the islands somewhere tending to someone else child. She was then cleaning home and raising someone else child.

After reading the bible and being raped, I now saw myself as a POS that didn't any longer deserve to be on the planet. And that is how I was later seen after the next boyfriend and I fall asleep and I wake up to him on top of me. And lucky me gets to now be the town whore. Based on this one moment that I did not even feel. I couldn't even tell you if he was even really within. That's what he told and that how I let it happen. Besides, he later began eyeing his next girlfriend. I passively stepped aside, with out a voice again. I was never allowed to really be a little girl. I have always been being attacked. All my mothers dates tried to play. A couple I set them up with my mom to later grown so she would know who what after me at 9 and 10. Afew fathers came after me, but I never ever. These were friends of mine, their fathers but I would have gotten the blame. I never spoke on it to them.

I saw a boy when I was 12, he was like a movie. I was in pool, rising up out of the water. Removing the water from my eyes and seeing the most beautiful boy ever. That boy was the next to teach me how to stay silent. I would never be right again. Now, I have learned how to a cheater. I finally get a boyfriend and I can't shake this one. I get another one he still there. Only they are friends, but I am the one that is only one wrong. And I am the one not in control of situation let alone able to control myself.

We have what is known a Park Day here. Its the best time of the year here. Better than Christmas, until 1979 and again... I have to be raped. My girlfriends left me behind. I thought I was getting a ride from a older guy band member. But, I got far more than expected. I even lost a baby, I wasn't aware I would be having. This cost me more than I can explain right now. I ended up having to move in with my aunt. Who ended up kicking me out because her friend told her I was seeing a married man. NOT, a married man brought me home. And yes, did try at the door. But, never ever had I touched this man. I did try and tell her this about 20 years later, she basically wished death upon me. I guess she must have wanted this man or something, to have gotten so mad to be so ugly. I had so much respect for her I hated all that time she thought I had been with this man.

I felt so displaced in this place, I ran off and went into the military.

And that an entirely different yet the same story. Only now I was grown and a pist off....