in my world of ghosts

When I was born I was different. All babies cry, but I cried all the time. My mother loves to tell the story of how she was the only one that could hold me and if anyone tried to help me I would scream like someone was killing me. Perhaps that explains the distance between us. I made her life difficult and these days I can't blame her completely. What name could they give to a child like me? When I got older I was terrified of the world. I remember starting nursery school and sitting in the corner in the shadows terrified of everyone and everything. Somedays I was so difficult and cried so much my father had to come and get me. I don't think there was ever a time that I interacted with anyone.. except when it was time for the parade. It was this parade-type thing where we marched around with musical instruments. Music was my only way of expression even at that young age. The music spoke for me. So when it was time for that parade I opened up and smiled and even spoke to a few children and played my instrument with all my heart and when the parade was done, I went back to my corner and cried. How I hated the ending of things.

I always had this void in me. This nervous feeling.. like at any moment the ground would give way beneath my feet. As I got older I did not have many friends. Maybe one or two that sort of forced their way behind my giant walls. Boys never liked me and they terrified me. I was extra sensitive. It did not take long for my heart to bleed. My feelings were always hurt so easily. When I was older and I thought I found love... I gave it everything. When I realized that when people say they love you, that does not mean anything.. something shattered in me. They say the heart heals itself, but not for me. I just kept breaking more and more until everything broke in me. I think because I had spent so much time alone. I lived in the books I would read. I think I thought love was supposed to be like a story by Edgar Allen Poe.. perhaps like his poem of Anabel Lee. I never did live inside reality. I had the heart of a child no matter how old I got and life just kind of slowly killed me.

There were a few years between teenager and adulthood when I can remember being totally out of control. Running away from home, cutting myself with razor blades.. sometimes drinking, and whatever helped me to escape the pain. At eighteen I combined my gift of poetry and writing with music and gave birth to my dream. I fronted an electronic project called bow ever down and that became my life for 15 years of my life. In a way it saved me. At least in the beginning. It gave me focus and it stopped me from hurting myself. Problem is it sort of brought out a monster in me. I became what people wanted to see and I lost my whole identity. It was wonderful when things were at their peak. Playing all those shows in many different states, the feeling of being on that stage, of people wearing our shirts and buying our cds. When we made it into a famous electro magazine in Germany I thought that was heaven to me. But in this life, nothing remains. I wanted more and more and more as anyone does when they live for dreams and this Dunya. It was never enough and in the end when I should have had everything I was left empty.

So really I was plunged into the deepest depths of despair and darkness. The sort of kind of place where people either kill themselves or wake up. I sort of think thats the purpose of pain these days. It's there to wake us up.. to see more clearly and to appreciate everything. I just remember losing all my dreams, never having the love that I needed to complete me.. no one understanding me. I just spoke out loud .... something please come and save me.

It was shortly after that when a man found me. I thought he was filled with magic and I was so intrigued. He claimed to be a Muslim. I don't want to go too much into that man.... the whole story is on my bio page. He was a horrible man that did temporary marriage on me... and many other haram things.... but the important thing is it inspired me to learn about Islam on my own and when I started learning something changed in me. I saw very quickly the evil of this man and ran far away but I know that was what was sent to me to change me. I just needed someone to make me see islam. Even if they were not good Muslims..... just something to open my eyes to what I needed to see. I spent many months alone and all I did was study. My brain never retains anything... but I took three months and learned the salat.. it meant that much to me. The more I learned the more I grew the more I changed. There was a light in me. All I can say is that for the first time in my life I was free.

I am still that quiet scared little girl with a fragile heart... but I have faith that protects me. That can get me through anything. I left that world of ghosts and shattered dreams. I realize now that everything must come to an end... there are no eternal magical instruments while marching in parades.... life is scary.. life is dark... life is tragic.. and life will fade away. But I now realize that it's a test..... and that makes sense to me. The harder the test.. the stronger the soul... the stronger the soul.... the higher iman. I will pass these tests with newfound patience and strength in shaa Allah... so paradise will take me... a place where that parade never ends.... a safer place for a fragile loving quiet soul like me.