From a moment I thought we would be together forever. As I thought maybe in matrimony that from anybody being sick would survive anything. I mean when my mom was married to my father and she got cancer she survived. They both survived in fact. When he had that heart attack a few years ago she strengthened them back to health. They were still together even after I left college. I didnt realize that I , me, would be burying my best friend, my lover, my cherish tree ( because he was tall and can touch the tree ) Out of all people... why him? I suppose to be dead . Not him. I’m the one who had cancer and he got me my strength back and was working to the bone to keep us all in order. I dont understand nor I cannot fathom this situation.
Here I am sitting in this Luke warm building of remains of my husband and everyone shedding a tear, saying their goodbyes and giving me my condolences ,but I can’t sit here saying that I am okay with this. My son, my only son, who is my miracle baby got a chance to be around the greats and see his father the last time.
“ Mom how are you holding up?”
As I grab his hands , as if he’s still five , I reassure him that I was okay. My lil Eric . He came up from a business meeting . I feel terrible telling him about this . I didn’t want to bother him because he had his own life. I invaded his time on earth enough . More like when turned 18 I gave him his freedom ( well maybe 17 because I was and his father was preparing him once he moves to Chicago ) .
” Eric, I feel like I wasted your time .” I said with my head low
” Mom you didn’t . Nothing has changed for checking - in. I wanted to be here so that I know that you’re okay.”
I guess for him the phone wasn’t enough and he wanted to be here for me. I believe him ,but then again I’m a burden. Not because of me coming back healthy once more ,but also because I have to find why and what was the reason someone would murder a 60 old man , let him suffer through a heart attack and shoot him like as if he was a deer in suffering. Didn’t these people realise or man realize that this man that I love was more than an undercover cop ? That he would give you his last dollar ? That he’s not one of those cops that would step on your neck because of your race is different from his ? Where is the logic?
Not only I have to look forward of seeing a lawyer for what left for our family ... I also have to look forward to see officers in my house asking me more questions and try to comfort me from a death that I had no clue about .
I still remember til this day where Zack , my everything , came home upset wondering why the hell he got the worse from just asking someone if the person knew if he had enemies and now I know what and how that feels now. I can still hear that raspy voice of him growling ( with that truned up juicy top lip of his ) and whiny on why is that happening with him and all he did was ask. I can still remember the kisses I gave him to comfort him and to tell him that he has done a good job and look into his brown luxurious eyes and smile.
He still had those same eyes when I woke up with him , made him breakfast , activate his love language ( he had two... the touch and words of affirmation) and send him off. I still have that small hickey he left on me before he left with a smile and promise me that he will be back to finish what he started that morning while putting on his hat to leave.
Come to think of it someone said he still had a hickey mark on his neck even when they viewed his body. They said it never left and it’s been days.
“ Mom?” Eric said while looking for me
” I’m here where your father is . I was checking for my mark.”
” Your what ?”
” My love mark that I left on his neck.”
” This one on your neck. Ah maaa !!”
” What? This is how you got here ,sir .”
” Sigh I hope I do the same thing with my wife when I get as old as you.”
” Honestly you will just learn from each other and you will survive. Also read on how to make your marriage work so you don’t loose your spark.”
I see that it’s still there on him. As I left him we went to the law firm where his long time friend had his special remain for me. At first , when the lawyer said that it was only for me... I look really lost. That man was full of surprises especially when it came to my birthday. One time he surprised me with a calendar with his police officer suit on ,but in sexy . This man went through the fire just to see me on fire . If you get my drift.
“Mrs. Laos ..I’m serious he said for me to not open this. Just leave it for you.”
” Oh he put you with all this trouble just for this small black book?”
” Yes ma’am.” he said while handing it to me.
” He always said you should open it at home .”
I looked at that lawyer up and down and opened it right in front of him.
The first page I read said , “ I already know that your ass isn’t at home .”
This made me laugh ,but tear up. He wrote it and it said ,
In case if I am gone... i want you to live. I want you to live where you feel like you never lived before. I want you to live where you feel that , as a black woman, that it no longer exist for you because you are finally living , not just surviving. I want you to know that what I made during these years it wasn’t enough ,but I made this for you. This is my present to you because I knew from the start when I brought you back from the cancerous state you were in that you was going to make it. I knew . I knew it. I want you to know that you are going to be okay. Also you can finally do that thing that you loved. You can get that dream happening for yourself . We already made that dream happen for Eric,but for you.. I’m doing this for you. Also this 20,000 will get you started. You wanted to paint or do pottery ( hunny I forgot ,but I didn’t care I was saving up for you. ) I know that you saved almost to a million ,but I want to add on because that‘s what we do . We Laos make sure to take care of each other. Remember babe? I hope so. But remember this I always and forever love you. If you think I am never here ... read this again. Smile for me . Make your dream happen. I love you, Yami.
Sincerely and forever yours,
P.s. Empty pages are always filled as much as hugs and kisses. Don’t forget what I said.
That son of a bitch ! I clench that darn book as if he was still here physically. I hate when he does that. I literally do. But he was right . I never lived for my dream. I didn’t complain because I didn’t want to be that person. He was right. He was right. I got up from my seat and thank him for suffering through the years of holding this notebook for years. I took my time to get to that elevator and as the doors closed. That’s when I knew I was going to see the world ... no show the world through my eyes on what I see on a daily basis.
I’m going to do what he told me to do and that’s survive .
” So are you going to do it , mom?”
“ Yes . So he doesn’t come to haunt me because he always has this thing where if I don’t do it ...he will keep bothering me to do it.”
Eric nod and understood with the same smirk his dad used to do when he got his way. I swear they are like twins. It’s disturbing. As we walked right out the door, I got good news. They found the killer. He’s now in custody.
I think we are finally getting what we want in this universe finally.