I’m a Doula and a Surrogate. This Is Why Doulas Make Great Surrogates.

As Told by Vanessa Stepan, ConceiveAbilities Surrogate

Vanessa Stepan is a military wife, mom of three, and a doula. She empowers people to have positive birth experiences through education and support with her company Birth Well Colorado Springs. She is also a first time surrogate in the homestretch of her surrogacy journey. Vanessa joined our surrogacy podcast All Things Conceivable to share her surrogacy story and why being a doula inspired her to become a surrogate.

Listen to the full podcast here:

NF: I am going to start our conversation with a bold statement. Doulas make great surrogates. Why do you think that is?

We’re so well versed and educated in pregnancy and birth that we’re passionate about it, and we’ve done it successfully. We’ve supported people. We’re made for this. We’re a unicorn in the birth world, and I just think doulas make amazing surrogates.

NF: For the uninitiated, please explain what a doula is to our listeners?

I’ve been a doula for almost 10 years. When I first started, people didn’t even know what a doula was. It’s been really cool to see the growth and awareness of having a doula and what it can do for your labor and birth. I am not a midwife. A doula is a nonmedical support person. That is people in pregnancy before, during, and after childbirth, as well as sometimes postpartum including breastfeeding. And they also can help support the family and kids within the family and provide physical and emotional support. There’s actually a lot of evidence that shows you can decrease your labor time, decrease your chance of a C-section, and also decrease your likelihood of needing an epidural or wanting an epidural. I think everyone should have a doula at birth, but that’s just my biased opinion. I’ve always had a doula as well. They definitely make a huge difference in the whole experience and make sure that it’s a positive one.

NF: We work with a lot of doulas at ConceiveAbilities who tend to be drawn to the idea of surrogacy. Every doula that I’ve ever met just absolutely has a vigorous passion for all things childbearing. They absolutely can’t imagine not embracing pregnancy, childbirth, and helping to support other women through that momentous milestone. Why did you become a doula?

When I got pregnant with my first son, I knew absolutely nothing about birth or pregnancy. And I’m the type of person that likes to gather all the information and know everything I can. I was so fortunate to have a military spouse friend who was a doula and she encouraged me to take a birth class to learn about pregnancy and birth. I just fell in love with learning everything that our bodies are designed to do. I had a wonderful natural birth experience with my first son and after that I knew I needed to be teaching these classes and supporting these women. I immediately got certified to teach childbirth education and part of the requirement to become certified to teach childbirth education is witnessing two births. At my first birth, I got to shadow a doula and I actually got to have some hands-on experience with her. That was the moment that I knew becoming a doula is what I was meant to do. It has been so fulfilling to be a part of those couples’ journeys into parenthood.

NF: Do you think that your experience of being a doula has helped you in your own surrogacy journey?

Absolutely. Because I am a doula, I’m able to advocate and ask the right questions. So I feel as a surrogate, I am in a good spot and I’ve got a good support team around me to have a good experience anywhere I deliver.

This surrogate pregnancy has been so much different than my own pregnancies, going through IVF and OB care, as I had a home birth with my last baby. I think my experience as a doula has really prepared me for that because I’ve had clients who have gone through IVF. I’ve had clients who have given birth at home, at hospitals, birth centers. It’s reassuring because I’ve been in all those situations. I’ve seen inductions and I’ve seen C-sections. I’ve seen all the things that can happen in birth and that background knowledge makes me feel comforted that I’m prepared for anything.

NF: Did you become familiar with the idea of surrogacy because you met other surrogates in your work as a doula?

I first learned about surrogacy from a military friend who was struggling to get pregnant. She found out that she was actually born without a uterus, and so she ended up adopting one child and then having one through surrogacy. And that was my first exposure to what a surrogate is. I really wasn’t familiar with it and didn’t know much about it. I just remember following her story and following her journey, and I was like, oh my gosh, that is something that I could do. I enjoy being pregnant. I have really smooth and easy deliveries and when I’m done with my family, I would love to be able to be that person who’s giving that gift.

NF: Why do doulas make great surrogates?

I would agree a hundred percent doulas make great surrogates. I think we just have a passion for pregnancy and birth and who better than someone who’s passionate about it to fulfill that dream for a family. I think it’s beautiful.

NF: You decided to be a surrogate and you went through the process that all other surrogates go through of getting educated and then going through screening, and then ultimatelyfinding the right surrogacy match. How did you find your match?

I had two criteria going into my matching process. I wanted to help someone who was in a similar situation to my friend. Someone who didn’t have a uterus because that has got to be the most devastating diagnosis, or if they had a hysterectomy or medical reason they couldn’t carry…that would be just devastating. It was also really important for me that it was their first child. I really wanted to be able to give that gift of someone’s first baby.

NF: What are some of the most memorable aspects of the journey in terms of the milestones that you achieved along the way?

The most challenging part that I was most fearful about, and then it turned out to be not that bad, was the progesterone shots. I’m not a needle person. My main motivation for not getting an epidural with any of my births is that I was terrified of needles. And through this surrogacy journey, I can happily say that I can give myself an injection and I’m not afraid of giving blood anymore. That has been a big point of growth for me during this journey.

One of the most special milestones was actually getting to meet my intended parents in person when we went for the embryo transfer. They also came to Colorado for the 20-week anatomy scan and met my family and my kids. That was really special. It can be difficult for kids to understand surrogacy and my kids are nine, six, and two. My two-year-old doesn’t know what’s going on. But the older two, it was really helpful for them to get to meet the mom and dad of the baby that I’m carrying. It has really brought it full circle for them. They love the intended parents and are so excited for them to have their first baby.

NF: How did you talk to your kids about surrogacy?

I had thought about becoming a surrogate since 2017. I’m very open and it’s always been something that I’ve talked about with them. I had a homebirth with my most recent baby and my two older ones were there and got to announce the gender. I always say they’re my best little doulas. They are really involved when I teach classes. They know all about birth and they know that I’m really passionate about it. I think it was kind of easy for them because they’ve just been exposed to it since they were born, essentially. Sometimes their friends have interesting questions. So it’s not your baby? How did it get there? They just have questions that kids have. My kids have done a really great job of taking it in stride and when someone asks, oh, is your mom having another baby? And they’re like, yeah, but it’s not ours. We also got surrogacy books. When we first decided we were moving forward we used the analogy of someone who needs to bake a cake and have all the ingredients but they don’t have an oven. Helping them understand in a kid-friendly way was really helpful too.

NF: On your absolutely wonderful Instagram, you have been sharing your surrogacy journey including how much your son loves your surrobabe bump. How has your decision to become a surrogate impacted your kids?

I think it’s such an amazing way to tangibly display selflessness to your kids. What is more selfless than helping someone have a baby? I think that’s a huge thing, and I think they really appreciate the fact that I’m doing it for this couple. They’ve seen the good, the bad, the ugly in every pregnancy. You have bad days and emotions and hormones, and they’ve just been my rocks honestly. They are so supportive and loving and they’re just the best.

NF: Your husband is in the military. We do have a lot of military spouses in our surrogacy program and it seems to be a common thread that we see quite a bit. Let’s talk a bit about your husband and how he came along with this idea of surrogacy.

He’s been really supportive through the journey. And his work has been super supportive too, because obviously I’m pregnant and I’m going to be going into labor. It affects his work schedule and they’re being really supportive. He’s been a trooper dealing with all the pregnancy hormones and all the things.

NF: Tell us about the relationship between the four of you as two couples.

We both went to Nashville for the transfer, and we stayed with the intended parents in their house and got to spend some quality time with them. They stayed with us in our house when they came to Colorado and now they’re camping out in an Airbnb here. So we have seen them almost every day and we have a group text message. We all have a really good working dynamic and good relationship together. So it’s been good. The dads have bonded over certain things and it’s been cute.

NF: It’s really special when you see these couples bond together over a very significant moment in each other’s lives. As it is getting close to the end here, tell us a little bit about your birth plan.

I’m a big planner. I like to have a birth plan, although I like to call them birth wishes because, as a doula, I know that births don’t always go as planned. It’s important to have some flexibility. I put together my birth wishes for the first, second, and third stage of labor. Depending on whether I go into labor spontaneously or if I have to be induced, I have different preferences in each scenario. The intended parents also shared their wishes. This is their first birth so they wanted me to share options for them to research. We came together and made a shared decision on the birth plan for both the labor and delivery and then also newborn care. Obviously the newborn care decisions were all made by the parents. With a surrogacy pregnancy, it really helps us all get on the same page so we know when the baby comes out, who’s the first to hold a baby and who’s going to cut the cord. Everything like that is laid out and decided beforehand.

NF: As a doula, you certainly empower others through their own birth. Being a surrogate, you are empowering the intended parents’ dream of having a family. Is being a surrogate empowering to you?

It’s so empowering to know that you can give such a life-changing gift to someone. Being a surrogate has always been something on my bucket list. I just felt called to do it. And now that I’m fulfilling that bucket list dream, I am just filled with so much joy and feel so blessed that I’m able to do that for someone. So, yes, I think it’s empowering. I think it’s also inspiring. I’ve inspired no less than three or four people in my close circles to pursue surrogacy as well. So I think that just goes to show that by sharing my journey and being open about, it has inspired other women to give the gift.

NF: You have shared that not only are you giving an amazing gift that’s incredibly fulfilling and empowering, but it’s also in turn a financial blessing. What do you want people to know about the compensation part of being a surrogate?

I didn’t become a surrogate thinking I can make money and help my family. I had more of an altruistic desire to help a family. The surrogate pay was just icing on the cake. Compensation is really important, however, because you are putting your body through so much and risking complications and all the things and going through IVF. So it is a lot. It is important to be well compensated. It’s been such a blessing to have that extra income for our family. We are saving most of it and taking a trip to Mexico. I’m really looking forward to getting away and making memories with my family and not worrying so much about budget because I have extra income. It has been a huge blessing, but I don’t think you could pay someone a million dollars if they didn’t have that heart for surrogacy in helping others.

NF: What advice do you have for other women, doula or otherwise, who are considering the idea of surrogacy?

Follow your heart. Talk to your family, make sure you have a good support system. Having a surrogate support system is a hundred percent essential. You will need the support of your surrogacy agency and having other surrogate friends is also important. I was so fortunate that one of my dear friends is two weeks behind me in her surrogacy journey. It has been so incredible to have a friend to talk to who knows exactly what I’m going through because it is such a unique experience.

NF: What is your biggest aha moment? Do you have an aha that you would want to share with women and what you’d want them to know about choosing to be a surrogate?

The biggest aha has just been the impact this whole journey has had on my kids and my family. I think it’s made us stronger, not because it’s been easy, but because of the ups and downs and challenges. It’s just made us grow so much closer as a family. It has also allowed me to display that selflessness to my kids. I really hope that’s something that they take with them the rest of their lives and that it inspires them to do something amazing. Maybe my daughter will be a surrogate one day.

Inspired by Vanessa’s gift of family? Learn more about becoming a surrogate.