I Wonder if You Know

A few days after my baby boy died, I had experienced so many emotions, had so many questions, and wanted desperately to be able to just talk to him. This was the first poem I had written in years, I just had to get some of the questions OUT!!! So, I put them on paper. I wondered if he could, in some way, see me. Did he know how much I missed him. There was never a thought as to if he knew I loved him. He knew!! I was looking for ways to cope with his eternal absence! I still have days that I wonder some of the same things.

I have days when, in my mind, I talk to him. I can see his smile and hear him saying, “momma, I’m ok. Don’t worry.” I miss his caring way. He loved his family & his children were his life!! He had the biggest heart and the loudest laugh. If Jon was in the room, everybody was laughing. His absence left a chasm in our family. His huge presence is missed. There’s a whole in our lives where he used to be. Nope, it’s not easy. Memories seem to sneak up on me from out of nowhere and without warning, I’m sobbing and wishing so badly that I could bring him back!! I want my baby back! I’ve come to the conclusion, though, that he is at peace. And even if he COULD come back, it would be selfish to ask him to do so. I firmly believe that the peace where he is would not be something he would want to leave, to return to a world of chaos and trouble.

Being the mom who has actually gotten the phone call that a part of me is gone & then go through the mental and emotional trauma of making funeral arrangements for my child, marching into a church to say farewell, is a deep, gut wrenching, heart breaking type hurt, that never goes away. As time goes on you learn ways to get through each day, one minute at a time, taking the waves of grief as they come, and hoping with every one that you can just make it through THIS one. It’s a feeling of having a literal piece of you GONE! I wake up every morning with the feeling that something is terribly wrong & I can’t fix it. Then, I pull myself together and face the world with a smile and as much determination as I can muster up...until the next time. It’s a cycle, that repeats at its own pace.

For one space in time I wondered if I would ever be able to talk about him or even say his name without breaking down. Today I can. But I still have side effects. He was a drummer; I watch other drummers and think of him. He sang beautifully; I hear songs and think how good he would be able to sing them. He loved to eat, but his mama’s cooking was his favorite (his daddy’s cooking was his seconds favorite). When I cook, I remember his excitement and anticipation. I see his children and see him in each of their faces. For the past five Christmases, it has been agonizing to think of not buying gifts for him! Every holiday, no matter how insignificant (like Nat’l Sky Day), I’m reminded of his absence because he celebrated everything. It’s safe to say that he celebrated life in wonderful ways, every day.

Today I’ll be thankful that I’ve made it through some pretty tough days, nights, weeks, months and years. I count them. Not a day passes that he is not a part of. And at the end of every one, I still wonder if he knows. After 4.5 years, it’s still not easy.