I Want to Have a Baby, But...

I remember when I decided (with my partner) that I wanted to have a baby. It was a decision made so easy, almost as if one was deciding what to have for dinner that night. *LOL* What made this so interesting was that I never wanted to have children AT ALL. I guess some switch was flipped inside of me and “baby fever” was pulsing through my veins like a drug.

While being hyped up this addictive drug, I decided to contact my doctor for a checkup to make sure my body was ready for this daunting task. That was one of the worst doctor's appointments of my life; not only was I diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes and Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS), I was also told that I would NEVER have children. Remember, I never wanted to have a baby, so receiving this news from my physician was crushing…to say the least. At first, I thought that he was joking so I laughed it off…until he sat down beside me and with as much sympathy as he could muster stated, “Based on your medical history and previous surgeries, I doubt that you will ever be able to have children.”

What do you do when something that you want so bad is taken from you in the blink of an eye? In this case, I honestly didn’t have much time to react because I was immediately sent to Diabetes/Insulin Education class to earn how to use my new insulin pump. (Note: After my doctor told me that I would not be able to have children, he then indicated that I would need to be put on an insulin pump to get to my diabetes under control. WTF!!) So not only am I not going to be able to have my own little bundle of joy, I now have been diagnosed with diabetes AND must have an insulin pump connected to my body at all times. Is this a joke?

But it wasn’t a joke. This was my NEW reality.

It is in those quiet moments, usually when you are laying in bed trying to go to sleep when life comes knocking at your door. In my case it didn’t knock... it had a key. A few days later after the hustle and bustle of appointments, reality climbed into my bed. As I was laying there attempting to go to sleep I started crying. I remember thinking, “I have never wanted anything in my life as much as I want to be a mother…” I cried so hard that I cried myself to sleep. The next day, I felt like everything was moving slow. People were talking to me slow, cars were moving slow, my whole being was moving slow. For days I didn’t want to do anything but sit on my couch. I didn’t even want to watch my favorite movie (“Clue”), which ALWAYS makes me feel good. All I wanted to do was sleep. I wanted to sleep this nightmare to go away. I thought that maybe when I woke up, things would be different. But each day I kept waking up to the same shit…

…Until I spoke to a friend of mine who shared her journey into motherhood. She gave me the space to cry and gave me space to just be… She also suggested that I read You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay. I was in no mood to do anything, but at this point, I figured what did I have to lose… When I started the book, I remember thinking, “There is no way I am going to be able to heal myself and have a child, but I’ll read this book.” Once I read half of the book, my mindset began to change! Things began to move somewhat faster, but I still knew that things within my being were not “back to normal” until I read an article about a woman who had experienced the same thing that I was currently going through. This woman’s experience was so similar it felt like someone had written about me without my permission! However, there was one thing that set us apart: she stated that she combated her situation by going to the gym and working out. At this point, I figured “I’m reading Hay, which is helping… going to the gym can’t hurt… The doctors keep saying I need to be active to control my diabetes… why not?”

So… I started working out.

…And working out even more.

I began to feel great, my diabetes was beginning to get under control (I got off that damn pump, yay!!), and my body was getting in shape! I guess Hay and this woman was right!!

ONE YEAR LATER

I remember being SO tired at work for about a week that during my lunch, I would take naps on the floor in my office. One Saturday, after I wake up from another nap, I remember this voice in my head saying “Go get a pregnancy test…” I thought to myself, “WHAT?!” But of course, I end up in line at the store with two boxes of pregnancy tests in hand. I get home and take the first test…

Positive.

I remember saying to myself, “This is probably a false positive. That can happen. Let’s try it again.”

Test #2: positive.

I said to myself, “This still isn’t accurate…”

I took two more tests and they were both positive.

Am I pregnant?!

That Monday, I called my doctor and got an appointment to see him. I was nervous as a chihuahua in the snow. Thousands of thoughts were running through my head as he calmly stated, “let's take a look…” As he proceeded to perform a vaginal ultrasound, I closed my eyes preparing to hear whatever bomb he was about to drop on me, and then…

“Yup! You’re pregnant!”

The world stopped for about 20 seconds. When those 20 seconds were over, an enormous wave of emotions took over my body and I began to cry. Not those beautiful cries you see on TV when women find out they’re pregnant. I mean snot, can’t breathe, inaudible words, the whole nine yards. I couldn’t believe that I was going to be a mother! My doctor was also so overcome with emotion that he asked if he could give me a hug. It was one of the sweetest gestures I had received from a physician. After he hugged me, he stated something to me that has stayed with me since my baby has been on this Earth. He said, “I look forward to meeting your child in 10 months…”

In 8 months, my sweet baby was brought into this world and introduced to my physician.

Mom Thoughts

It has been almost 6 years since I have shared that story in its entirety. I am sharing it with you in the hopes that it will encourage you as those folks on the journey and the resources that they shared encouraged me. It was a long road to being called “Mom,” but I would do it all over again to hold my baby’s hand, hear my baby laugh, or even to have my baby get on my nerves. *LOL* I can’t tell you that my journey will be your journey, but I can offer you the same space of support and encouragement that was offered to me.

Hugs, love, and light.