I Want My Mommy

It's been a solid year since I've seen my birth mother. If you've read my story Broken Promises, you would understand why. We've spoken over the phone, via text, all conversations lasting no more than one to five minutes. During the holidays, it was difficult, not knowing what to do. I've only just gotten to a place where I can speak to her as acquaintances and not have it affect me in a negative way all day.

During the holidays, I learnt that my birth mother's stomach cancer returned. I am not sure what stage or how bad it is, but I cannot overlook my feelings that have been built up my whole life, up to what I feel these days simply because she has cancer. While many people who don't understand my situation or the levels of the relationship I have had with my mother, it is easy for them to say, "But she's your mom," "You should talk to her, be with her," etc.

During the holidays, I struggled with that alone. That guilty conscience of what if she dies in a month? What if I regret that I spent my time with her being angry or not having a relationship with her anymore? But I can't force things. I can't speed up time. I can't pretend everything is okay merely because she's sick when everything simply isn't okay. I could never find myself in a grey area of a situation that can be very black and white. There is no middle ground with me; either I fuck with you or I don't. Either I'm doing something to the best of my ability or I'm not doing it at all. Knowing how manipulative my mother is—how much I love her—it would be easy for me to forgive her and pretend none of our history ever happened. I would love to be able to move forward in time and have a decent relationship with her, but after being lied to, used up, and threatened by my own flesh and blood when I have been vulnerable, loving, and trusting with her, it is a very hard pill to swallow.

So I didn't see her during the holidays, but we did text one another. For her birthday, February 5th, she called me and let me know how she was doing and I was happy to learn she wasn't home alone, struggling alone, and had the help that she has needed for a very long time. I can only wish her well, but I don't think I can find it in me to have a relationship with her again. I have accepted that I was simply not meant to have the greatest mother. But I can say I have had several parental figures in my life who have all taught me things through experiences, wisdom, love, and more, and that I am grateful for and will pass on to my future children when the day comes for me to become the wonderful mother I aspire to be.

Families can be complicated. I think what's difficult is that no matter how much we grow up, there will always be that inner child in us that desperately needs and wants their mother. We want to be mothered. We need love, guidance, and support. But if there is anything these last few months have taught me, is that I am just going to have to continue to mother myself and that I am not short of love. Love is all around me and within me. And with the love in my life, I feel supported enough.