I UNDERSTAND

She was beautiful with her long, gently curled, brown hair hanging down softly just below her shoulders. Her rare smile was worn on her wedding day. Her eyes seemed to sparkle. Yes, I had seen the photos. Such a happy bride!

Her eyes took on a worried look when dad was sent overseas. Once home from the war, mom and dad welcomed their first child, a son. Mom glowed – for a few weeks.

Worry set in again. Would her child stay healthy? Would he be smart? What would be his future?

Their son wasn’t yet three when I bounced into the world. Another worry for mom. Yet, while she did her best to smile, her pale blue eyes always seemed to hold a hint of sadness and fatigue. For the longest time, I never noticed. In my own defense, I was not much more than a toddler. Then I began to grow up.

*

A few years before I became a teenager, I remember every now and then, when I would peek in her room and for whatever reason, I found her crying. Each time I asked what was wrong, she’d shrug and say that she was just a bit overwhelmed.

As a child, I never understood what she meant. I never understood why. Approaching my teen years, I was more focused on myself.

*

Her hair, cut a bit shorter, reached just below her delicate earlobes. She still wore no jewelry but for the wedding band she received from her husband, my father, so many years ago. As they approached their 20th wedding anniversary, I noticed that some of the sadness was gone, and her eyes seemed a bit more alive than in years past. While I noticed the slight change, I never thought to question it.

I was more focused on meeting and dating boys.

Mom was beginning to relax since we were no longer babies. As a teen, I never understood why her appearance changed, nor did I care. At that age, I was all about me!

*

She began wearing her hair in a shorter crop, now, just midway down her ears and it had begun to turn gray at the temples. Dye or not? She opted to let her hair be natural. Did I care? No. It was her hair, her choice. Don’t get me wrong, I loved my mom, but I was wrapped up in my own issues.

In addition to her wedding band, she now wore a small locket around her neck – another gift from her beloved husband for their 25th wedding anniversary.

At times she seemed happy but beneath that glimmer, if you looked closely, you saw the unmistakable hint of wear, worry and fatigue. Her eyes no longer held the glow I had seen so rarely. Looking closely, if you really looked closely, you would see the unmistakable hint of tears wanting to come. They never did – at least none that we ever saw.

I didn’t understand as I was a new wife and mother, I was too busy to notice; I had more problems now than ever. After being married for less than five years, I had one small son and another on the way. I also had learned that my husband was planning to leave. Yes, I was way too busy to notice the sadness in my mom’s eyes. I should have but didn't and even if I had, I probably would not have understood.

*

Her hair now had finally turned completely white and she wore it as short as possible. It was so much easier to take care of as mom aged.

Her pale blue eyes emitted more sadness than imaginable. If only I could have reached inside her heart to find out what was wrong. Mom was such a private person and rarely shared her sadness. She always had the attitude that her children should strive for happiness and yet, there she was. Most of her life looking lost and almost broken.

She seemed so sad. Such a faraway stare.

No longer able to see, but for the memories in her mind that her dementia would not allow her to share.

Her jewelry, throughout the years has never changed but with one exception, one new addition – a larger gold band that she wore on the middle finger of her left hand – right next to her own.

As an adult, I understood.

*

I finally understood!