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I abandoned a Wife and Newborn, and Why it was the Right thing to do

My story of how it happened, not how I wish it did.

By Alan VillarrealPublished 3 years ago 10 min read
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Why I write about myself.

I can hear it now, how on earth? I was getting up there in age past 30, realized I'd never accomplished anything.

I remember it painfully, I have a mild for of schizophrenia an I was falling apart emotionally. My sister drove me to the house my wife an I purchased mostly with her income. My sister talked to her an she agreed I could get my clothes. It was raining with thunder an a sad day I left my wife I'd known for at least ten

years. I ran up the stairs the baby on the bed crying his eyes out to the sound of thunder an raindrops on our energy efficient metal roof.

I was doing everything everyone was telling me to do. My mother suggested I not tell anyone I liked men, because you can't undo that one. An my sister an her advocated for marriage counseling and joint custody. I just went with it I didn't even protest. All I knew was I didn't want to be there anymore.

It was a sad day. I'd already told her several times I was into men an on multiple occasions she blocked or deflected men I took interest in for at least five years prior. Oddly the whole reason I thought I could even be around her was she said I could sleep with men on the side just no women.

I don't know why, I don't know how, but for some reason I was still in the closet. An I'd never told anyone.

Looking back on my life I can only recall not answering the question, everytime that curious soul decided to ask me if I was gay, I never replied. I never realized thst I'd never made a connection with anyone I felt comfortable enough to talk about my life with. I got a little closer the last few years but still another not really. These days I'm grateful to be myself on pen if anything.

So coldly I grab my clothes, ignore the baby, an go to my sisters car. I didn't realize it at the moment but this was something I had to get used to. I had a job interview with a really good opportunity, it was so good I cried in the bathroom at Starbucks for I have no idea how long. I'd worked my whole life not even making supervisor or manager, at this point in my life I'd be happy supervising a lemonade stand, life sure likes to give me lemons.

I had imagined that I would get this job an help raise the kiddo. I don't know why but life has ways of getting in the way. I can't revisit this part of my life but my behavioral health becomes unstable an I can't stand my wife, an my mother is hitting me telling me ever since I started on this thing about being gay I've been acting weird. I stayed at motels, an had just no ideas. So I decide to leave.

The coming days before leaving would be difficult because I tried to make everything work. An for a while people thought I had all the answers. I said on Facebook of all places, after I made it clear in marriage counseling that I was gay in a comment of a photo of me holding the baby. First reactions were supportive an my mother got a flurry of calls from the family. As many people as there are in the family thst I knew of I'd be the only gay one.

But people were supportive. I can't say who just that people said they'd never told their family but at least were gonna tell me. I wasn't shocked an I knew my family was going to be disappointed, they'd secretly always wanted me to have a kid. Can I blame them? Children are everything in a family, what else is there? My sister would often take photos of me assuming a dad role though she never explained them the implication was understood because my wife said it looked more like my niece was our daughter looking at the photos.

It really didn't take long to learn I wasn't supposed to say I was gay at the dinner table, an my mom would've preferred I not say anything. But after they gave my niece the talk I went to get the baby.

Why was my life so miserable, I did everything everyone especially my mother told me to. I was a devout Catholic, have a Catholic University education, married the person I lost my virginity to, if you skip my 9 year old oral as a scout, and I worked full time an went to school. Most years I made the Thanksgiving turkey, my sisters went out, and the kid was all part of the life is good packet they give you when you do things to find acceptance.

Forget being happy, how about not killing yourself. I was an alcoholic an I know everybody said I was the one with a problem not them, but I drove my car 130 mph viscously drunk because I was so miserable. I never did that again but there just kept being new problems an my mental health was becoming an issue. So I left. I had a couple hundred, an couldn't afford getting it wrong I went to California.

It's hard to say but I had to not look back an I really don't want to write this entry but I have to one day, so why not today? I drove 26 hours an arrived in The Bay without sleep, just a bunch of sugar free RedBull.

The first year was very difficult. I didn't want to speak to my family not my wife, not my former clients, and not my biological or immediate family. I got a job as a contractor at the State Department making passports. It was the most money I'd ever made in my entire life. People told me I should've stayed because the cost of living was cheaper an I was like yeah an aside from reasons that are not economic we had a progressive state income tax, phone bills are the same so are most bills, an food was cheap, I thought things were better. I started going to counseling an I sort of put things into a remission.

I tried applying to Law school, but not having any recommendations, an average LSAT score, an a unpopular federal government there were going to be too many applications that year. It was tough I had friends that were sure I'd gotten in, again I cried like it was the end of the world.

After a while you just stop feeling each rejection and you sort of just accept things. I would never of been a good lawyer in my mid thirties because it takes years to perfect in a profession an while the school rejected me from a second chance program, my Catholic GPA was a 2.7.

I started because I was healthy finally, blaming my past. I didn't get along at school because the business program was too conservative, or we banned a LGBTQ group the year I was there. Stop making excuses a lot of people love that school, an it's what you make out of the experience that counts.

Well I made up my mind, I didn't believe in God anymore, and I wasn't going to be in the closet anymore. Funny just being in San Francisco felt like I was just living underground an all the things I was afraid would happen didn't exist. Worse I felt like every state had a travel board that erased my story as most states were very progressive since always, case closed because people always asked I thought they'd changed a lot.

So my only accomplishment ended up being that I could be myself. It wasn't until the rejection from law school that I even considered writing. It was the only thing that felt even remotely cathartic. If anything maybe one day someone would read it an it can help them.

So that's why I write because I'm giving myself catharsis an maybe someone can find it relatable.

Because in many cases children are put up for adoption, an the parents do not say they feel so bad they surrender all their income an assets. Why did I get such a strong Reaction? Lot of Marriages don't work out for a number of reasons, Why did I get the feeling everyone wanted me to stay with her or raise the baby. It was sad I know but I can't just offer to be everyone else's dad while I was at it, an quit my job go to a foreign country an build schools while I'm at it. I wasn't going to solve anything an I didn't know how, I was 33 learning how to kiss. I know a lot of people ask but yes I had sex with a girl an there were four times she could've gotten pregnant. I also can have sex with really nice bathroom tiles if I try enough I'm sure in ten years I can learn how.

I feel like I have nothing to offer. Not many people had the option I had of leaving, or maybe their kids are older an it's not the same they're used to seeing them everyday. Worse I was realizing the stress would play out later in the surfacing of years of unannounced mental illness. I mean it was obvious but not to my family. I felt like I had nobody an maybe it was true, no one was going to know what I was going through. Because most people would never wait that long, or take it to the grave.

But my story is relatable because being superficial is. Why does a baby have to have a father figure, Why can't they have two mommies or two daddies, or just one? Maybe parents that love each, or can be honest with them. What do you tell a kid? I'm scared an I have to lie for you? Some say yes. But not every family fits that perfection an it's not even a big deal. Because making your own choices in life may seem overwhelming but it's true families run people not everyone has a good experience. Sometimes you need time to heal wounds.

People ask what about meeting the baby one day, an I discourage it strongly as I will never and never plan to make up for years of parenting someone else did, by all means I am not the father, and I never will be. Because I wasn't going to tell a child, you can't be who you are because it makes people unhappy, because kids know they figure things out.

I feel like this is a lot to take in an what advice can I offer anyone in my situation. Well time away from your family can help you get a better understanding of which relationships are running your world. Some people even me, make new families, or the family you choose. One of the first lessons I learned was that impact of rejection was felt strongly. Think about it your replacing the feeling of ten plus people with one or two, an each insult or argument is like being rejected times ten.

It's hard not to get emotional but if you are in a similar situation you may be used to it. For me I was just relieved to say how I felt.

Now I'm working through setbacks. I don't have the good luck of fortune like I used to but I try. Being myself is a gift that I take for granted.

One peace of advice I can offer is to write yourself a letter. When you make whatever stand you make write yourself a letter saying what you believe. Because if your alone in the world you might forget why you left in the first place. On those days read that letter, because that's why.

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About the Creator

Alan Villarreal

Author of, ‘Catholicism, from a Moral, Imperfect, Atheist,’ San Franciscan, and affordable housing activist. Published manuscript an HBO series, one day.

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